A new blog site

Hey everyone, I'm moving my blog over to TypePad for a bit, since twitterfeed seems to have stopped working and TypePad has an integrated aggregator, so that's where my business is headed. if you want to keep following me just head over to lhocke.typepad.com updates will continue to be posted on twitter and facebook

what a whirlwind

Hey everyone, life's been pretty crazy recently and I'm going to have to change how I post. When I started blogging again I was trying to update at least once a week. As you can all see I've fallen far short of that mark, so now I'm just going to post occasionally. Of course the updates will still be posted on twitter and facebook.

I did mean to actually do a post over the Holidays, but I got caught up in the family trip, Christmas, and then I got sick on New Year's Day, and I'm still a bit sick. So I guess down to business for this post.

I started my break pretty stressed and a little depressed, looking forward to seeing my family, but dreading the inevitable drama of family gatherings. Really things went pretty well for the first few days, and the trip to Disneyland went pretty smoothly at first, we actually made it a full 48 hours without someone yelling or fighting. That changed pretty quickly when we went to go see a taping of Jay Leno and got there a few minutes later than we should have and didn't get in. Blame started flying and I put my battle tested plan of action into effect, I got the hell out of there and wandered around for about four or five hours, wondering when things would calm down enough for me to go back into the room, and if they had even noticed when I took off. I've learned that once the fight starts I'm pretty much invisible unless they want someone to take a side. When I got back to the room things had settled into an uneasy truce, but at least no one was yelling anymore. We finished the trip, with passive-aggresive attacks from both my parents, and I spent the next couple days just trying to keep as out of the way as possible. It went well right up until Christmas dinner, when things got a little weird again.

One things you need to understand about my family and family gatherings is that my family will tease about anything, so being able to judge the tension in a room is both useful and extraordinarily painful. This year the usual insults were thrown around, mostly with people laughing about them, and although I laughed dutifully at the ones thrown at me, I felt like each one was slowly cracking the mask I've carefully worn for the last twenty years around my extended family. It's part of the reason why I did what I did, something which, while justified, I feel guilty about. My cousin brought along her boyfriend, who seemed to be an average popular teen guy, convinced that he's the shit, and offended when someone doesn't do things his way. I get tired of people like this very, very, very, quickly so I was already into the this-guy-is-a-complete-douche-but-I--can-just-ignore-him-for-the-rest-of-the-day phase. At least I was right up until the point when my cousin said something, and he hit her for it. That's right the bastard actually hit her, in front of the family, on Christmas. Everything seemed to stop while we all took in what had just happened, I don't know what other people registered in that moment, but what I saw was the look on her face. Not surprise, but resignation, like she was used to this sort of treatment. Three things happened at once in the few short seconds after he hit her. One, her father and brothers stood up and started towards him. Two, plates, cups and food were all quickly pulled out of the way as everyone realized what exactly was about to happen. Three, my fist connected with his face and knocked him to the floor. As soon as that happened it seemed like everything snapped back to a normal speed and I stood there feeling a bit dazed, unable to really believe that I had just hit him. After that I pretty much just retreated while my dad set his nose and the rest of my family calmed her brothers down.

That pretty much fucked up my day right there. Most of my family kept congratulating me on taking action, but I still felt like shit for hitting him. Usually I would have just restrained him and thrown him out. Instead I just took out my frustrations for the past couple of days on him. I feel extremely shitty about hitting him, not because he didn't deserve it, but because I've worked so hard to keep myself under control, trying to get my emotions back into balance, and now I feel like I've let myself down. I tried to make up for it by hanging out with my cousins some more over the next few days, playing cards and board games. I even read a little bit of some old poetry I've written and never really had the guts to share with anyone. I even let my cousins kidnap me and watched twilight with them, and then listened to them discuss the books. A side note on my cousins, they don't worship the characters and actors the way that most fans seem to, they actually discuss the merits of the books, and the facets of characters. I'd probably have taken off but they actually got me curious enough to read the first novel. To my great surprise, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, I actually kinda enjoyed it. I know it's weird, but there's something about the way the book is written that just seems to keep it moving. I can't really describe it much more than that. Suspension of disbelief is pretty key when reading things or watching movies, and it's something that I often find other people can't seem to do. They get hung up on the details in fiction, rather than letting the story flow and introduce its own universe. But I've gotten a bit off track.

After hanging out with my cousins (which I will swear up and down that they kidnapped me and brainwashed me if you ask me in public, I gotta at least try and keep some of my credibility right?), I was feeling a bit better, I even managed to win a fair amount of money playing poker with my family. Things were starting to go pretty well, I got to hang out with Spencer, who I've known long enough I practically consider him family, even if I don't get to see him as often as I should, which is mostly my fault for having a mind that can't seem to keep track of time beyond what is happening directly in front of me. I also got a chance to see both Avatar and Sherlock Holmes, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed, and I don't really give a shit what others think about them, especially Avatar, I might make a whole post griping about the inability of some people to just enjoy the story. Everything was actually pretty good right up until New Year's Day, when I woke up, excited for 2010, and was hit with a sharp pain in my gut, vertigo, and nausea. I spent the next four days puking and curled up trying to get the pain to go away. Turns out I had a fever of over a hundred and two, and spent part of the time delirious while my family was out doing other things. A few of my cousins did come over to help me and I'm extremely grateful to them for doing so, even if we did watch twilight a few more times and my nails were painted, but I love them and they were trying to cheer me up so I forgive them. Of course standing was a bit of a problem for me sometimes I even had this bit of conversation with the floor.

Floor: Hey, dude. Uh, you're kinda heavy can you please get up?

Me: Whafuck? How the hell did I end up on the floor?

Floor: Oh hey, you're awake now please get off me, people are gonna think it's weird.

Me: Holy shit, did you just talk?

Floor: ...

Me: ... I don't think I'm gonna be going back to SLO today...

Yeah, that was Monday morning, and I still have no idea how I ended up face down on the floor.

So that pretty much catches everyone up to where I am right now, except for the events of the last few days. I got into SLO Thursday night and went to Farmer's, which was fun right up until I started to feel nauseated again. So I spent Friday unpacking a bit and trying to completely recover, and then went out Saturday to help judge a cooking competition for a couple of friends. The food was good, and my stomach had no problems with it, but more importantly to me was that got to meet some new people. One of whom I found I could talk with very easily and had a great time with. After the competition she joined a small group of my friends in going downtown to see Avatar again, and then we went back to her friend's place to watch Star Wars. I have to say, I was amazed at how much that just brightened my day. I felt awesome after meeting her, and I'd love to be friends with her, only I don't want to seem creepy and just knock on her door, so I'm kinda doing the little insecure head dance, but that's not really new. I went to bed last night feeling great, and slept without having a nightmare for the first time in months. Today was pretty good, I hung out with friends, and enjoyed having all my work done, right up until just a few hours ago when I suddenly felt my mood take a downward swing. I'm now filled with self-doubt. I just feel like I'm looking for a way out of a dark room where the walls keep retreating. Every now and then I'll meet someone who will provide me with a spot of illumination which will allow me to navigate sections without stumbling over the metaphorical furniture, but there are still gaps, huge areas of darkness that it seems like nothing can penetrate.

Back in SLO, feeling those SLO town blues

It's been a while since I updated this blog, something for which I apologize, I've just been a bit busy and confused lately. I guess a lot of it is just the fact that my life seems to just be coasting right now, stuck in limbo and I'm getting sick of it. Everything in my life seems to be at a distance, friends, family, school, relationships, all within reach but seeming to just slip beyond my fingers when I attempt to grasp them.

I'm glad to have the friends I do, but it sometimes seems like I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and I often feel like the outsider. Almost every time I go to visit someone, or to a party, I feel like everyone else is closer than I am. I don't know if there's any truth to it but it still upsets me.

My family is just as jumbled as ever, with my dad working odd hours so I rarely get to speak to him, and my mom who is constantly calling and trying to be supportive yet always ends up interrogating me when I don't have the exact answer she wants. Most recently is the argument over christmas gifts, no one in my family seems to know what they want which means everyone starts accusing the others of being difficult and not appreciating the gifts they get. Just once I'd like a Christmas to go down without a major fight over someone getting the wrong gift.

For anyone who's heard my history of dating should know that I'm not really the best at maintaing a relationship, or getting one when I want, it's starting to get to the point where relationships are fast becoming a thing of myth. I see other people pairing off or at least entering into their own arrangements while I've reached the point where I'll take just about anything if I can't seem to get the relationships I'd like. I know it sounds odd and and possibly a bit offensive, but I don't care anymore, I just can't bring myself to keep preparing to leap only to find that someone else is already there.

I guess it all piled up and led to this final bit, I can't get the classes I need. I've tried, I've struggled, I've been begging professors to let me into their sections, but unless something changes when I meet with my advisor tomorrow, I will be moving over to Cuesta so that I can get my required classes before trying to transfer back in. I've joked about wanting to graduate at some point but the truth is, I wasn't really joking, I've been worried about this for a while, and now it just looks like one more hurdle in my way. I know that I've tried to put on the smiling face and keep jumping through hoops, going over hurdles, and around obstacles to keep moving, but the truth is I'm tired of it all. I just want to be able to go to sleep content and unworried for once.

So that brings me to tonight, back in SLO, alone in my apartment with just the internet to keep me company. I was out with people earlier, but when they decided to go to the bars, I got left behind. Age is just one more obstacle that keeps me from connecting. It really sucks too, because I really needed to talk to someone tonight, just to get all this stuff off my chest, just to be able to tell someone and actually be listened to and get feedback. Instead I'm sitting here typing it all out. I feel pathetic right now, pathetic, alone, tired, and just longing for a true human connection. I love my friends, I truly do, but I don't know how to take risks anymore.

I've pulled back into my shell again for some reason, I want to just leap and tell people how I feel, hit on others, flirt, and be flirted with, but every time I do so, it's taken as a joke, a friendly gesture. Sometimes it is, but when I'm serious it hurts that I try to put myself out there and I get shot down off hand. Of course I then need to hide it so I laugh it off and put on a smile, maybe take a drink, and then proceed to be loud and boisterous, trying to look happy. The worst part of it all is that people buy into the act, and then forget. It's frustrating that people forget so easily, and that I can't reach out for help. I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid to tell people my problems, so many people don't understand, some dismiss them outright, and some look at me like I'm going to snap at any second. I find that the times at social events when I'm staring into space, trying to solve some of my problems, are increasing, and no one seems to notice. I guess I've become good at hiding, good at sneaking, good at making myself invisible, leaving parties, entering parties, moving throughout the social gatherings trying desperately to make a connection, and at the same time unable to drop the defenses which keep me separate.

I almost apologized for the depressed nature of this post, but I'm not sorry, not really, I'm sick of having to tell people I'm sorry for telling them something's wrong, so really I'm just depressed and a little angry and don't really care if you don't like the post. I would appreciate support, but I'm just so tired of carrying on alone.

Until Next Time, I just want to be held again.

twitterfeed testing

so apparently twitterfeed is now publishing to facebook, so here it goes, twitterfeed test one

Really, not even an apology?

So the justice refuses to apologise for his actions still. You can read the full story here, I'm still at a complete loss for words right now, I'm not really shocked by it, but I can't decide if that makes me more angry or if it's just another sad commentary on the state of the "New South"

Damn racism...

So this story was on CNN the other day, just thought I'd weigh in as a person of a multiethnic background.



I think the rationale for not performing the marriage ceremony was that interracial children are confused and mistreated. I really don't know what to say about it other than I am extremely pissed about this and if you see me in the next few days I may be in a state requiring lengthy rants about racism. Fair warning.

Until Next Time, Oh my god my body is so sore right now, I really really really shouldn't have gone running at 3:40 in the morning.... owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Time for something a little lighter

So I went browsing on youtube today and thought I'd share some of the music from one of my favorite artists, Sam Hart. So here's the embedded vid.



Oh and if you like the Mario Kart Love Song you can buy it on iTunes!!!!

A new book for my collection :)

I've been anticipating the arrival of Wil Wheaton's Memories of the future for the last few months, eagerly downloading each week's podcast and awaiting today. So when the book was released this afternoon I purchased it at Lulu.com and now await it sometime in the next week or so. I'm including a link to information about the book and podcast, and if you're like me you'll enjoy this book. As stated here is the link to much wonder and awesomeness!

Until Next Time, I'm in a scifi mood, so tonight I will watch SG-1 and eat takeout with anyone who wants to join in :)

Well let's see

Okay, so this day was going pretty well, things got done, weather wasn't horrible, felt pretty content, until I started listening to music and dancing around and started thinking about old friends and school dances, and all the old social events that I used to have. As we go into the fall and soon winter months the changing weather and colors just seem to remind me that I'm alone. As much as I can brush off the idea of being single and say that I enjoy not being too attached to a relationship, at night in the dark and cold I wish I had someone there with me. I just don't really feel hungry for anything, don't want to do much, just sit here and try to lose myself in something. I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I just disappeared, who would miss me? Who would notice? How long would anyone search for me? These questions really have no business being in my head most of the time but they still arise occasionally when I'm doing some mundane task, really I just want to curl up and cry when they come up, but I haven't cried in a while, I've tried but I just can't seem to do so.

I guess the point I was trying to make is that I want to speak my mind and my feelings out loud, but I'm just so scared of rejection and how it will change things. I'm a changer by nature, a catalyst in many situations, but I've always been afraid of change, the unknown is scary, but it's even worse when I can read a situation and still can't figure out a way to change it as it happens. I have answers for others but none for myself. I keep all the questions and can't seem to ever find satisfactory answers. I sometimes wonder if I even experience the same things that others do. I just want someone there with me, someone to hold, to trust, someone I can talk to and listen to, someone whose warmth I can share. I'm afraid of what change will happen if my feelings are not reciprocated, of the potential changes if they are and things fall apart. My relationship history isn't exactly spotless, some of them collapsing completely. I know I keep dancing around the issue, but really what else can I do? I'm almost always right on the edge of an issue and need a shove to get me into a situation. most conflicts between others I try and stay neutral until I have to choose a side, not because i want to be on the winning one, but because I like to know what all is going on with each party before choosing who I agree with. Once I've chosen a side I'll passionately defend it until proven wrong, but it's that initial bit that I hold onto for too long sometimes.

I know this post is a bit longer than usual but please bear with me for a little longer. I feel like this post is a little whiny, but I just need to get it out there, I can't keep doing things this way. I just feel like such a fraud whenever I avoid the issue, I have the opportunities right there in front of me an I always let them slip past, I can even feel them come and go, like waves. The advice I get is always the same. "Do what you feel is right." "Go for it." "Just tell them and let it fall as it may." " The worst that'll happen is they'll say no." It's just that worst is not the rejection, it's the awkwardness following it, the dancing on eggshells as each of you try and redefine your friendship, and if you can't the potential divide in friends, the fracturing of groups or voluntary exile. I feel like this situation is too familiar to me. I've watched it happen before, hell I've been in the middle of it, usually the guy who tries to keep people from getting out of hand and spreading the fight amongst everyone remotely connected to it. Really I guess the point I'm trying to make is I need a wingman here who has no vested interest in the other party, someone who I can be perfectly candid with before going in. I suppose I've already made up my mind, but I need someone there to support me if it doesn't go well, and that's where I fall down. Too many of our circles converge, and it causes more problems than I can adequately express in written word.

Until Next Time, it's times like this I wish telepathy existed so I could just show someone how I felt and adequately express my hopes and fears in their truest form.

editing html

So I got tired of my old layout and things getting so constricted, so here we are with a brand new edited html! enjoy it and hopefully this means that any vids I embed from now on won't get smooshed :) so once more enjoy the new series Stargate Universe!

Stargate Universe premiered last week, interesting enough, I'll probably continue to watch it, I'm embedding the video here for you to decide about it though :)

hmm...

So it's occurred to me since my last post that the problem of my nightmares could be solved if I just had someone with me. I'm not saying that I need someone to have sex with, though it would be nice... But rather that if I just had someone to sleep in close proximity to it might alleviate some of these problems. Partially because it just seems more secure with someone there. The comforting warmth of another body in the same bed fulfills the human need as social creatures for socialization and clan behavior. Humans are not meant to live in solitude, although it can provide a great deal of time for self-reflection and betterment, of course it's just my belief although there are anthropological, sociological, and psychological studies to back it up. Then again studies can be wrong. I apologize for the randomness of these posts, I just feel the need to type out what's on my mind right now and it's coming out a bit strangely at times. So yeah, my mind is a bit jumbled now and it's gonna be like this until I get a chance to fully collect my thoughts and stop feeling like I'm chasing them down a maze in the dark while blindfolded after being spun around.

Until Next Time, I've nothing witty to say, but I'm going to begin signing my posts, just seems appropriate.

-Lhocke

bad sleep and elvis

I didn't get the best night's sleep last night, seemed like my dreams were filled with all sorts of information that I couldn't really process. I just know that the over feeling I got from them was bad, mostly because I woke up shouting for the first time in a while. Since I can't remember what it was I guess I'll just forget about it for now, but it shook me up quite a bit. not really sure why I mention it, it seemed like it needed to be said when I started this post, but now it just seems like a moot point.

Anyway, onto the second part about Elvis, the supposed King. I recently watched cadillac records and I gotta say, I remembered why I don't really like Elvis. He stole practically everything he recorded and did. He ripped off Muddy Waters and Little Walter as well as several other great Blues musicians, and got credit for a new sound. Really I don't get the hype about him, he came and went just like any other musician, and left nothing behind but a lot of glitz and glamour, nothing original. You may disagree, but I just felt like I had to say it.

Until next time, waking up from a nightmare shouting is not fun in the least, anyone else ever experience it?

oh great, insomnia...

I neglected to mention one more side effect of these attacks, insomnia. most of you already know that i have it, but when these attacks happen it gets even worse, I haven't slept tonight, at all. Instead I've spent the night trying to sleep, tossing and turning. Sometimes I just wish I could stop thinking so much, I end up running loops in my head without any idea where it will end. And usually ends up with me worried about more things than I was when I started. I don't have much more to say than that right now, but I just had to.

panic attacks

I've had a few situations in the past where I have sudden panic attacks where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I have trouble breathing, I can't think, they usually go away if i can get out and just walk around for a while, or go for a drive where I can try and talk to someone until I calm down. Tonight I had one of the worst I've had in a while. I don't know what brought it on either, I was preparing to go out and suddenly couldn't stop shaking, and had trouble breathing. I tried to move but was almost completely paralyzed at first. I finally got myself moving and got into my car with the idea of going for a hike up Bishop Peak and trying to clear my mind, instead I ended up parked at the trail head sobbing and trying to figure out what to do. I've calmed down a bit now, but I'm still a little freaked out. I just don't know what to do. I want to write, but my hands are shaking so badly that I can't get it all out, and I can't think straight. I think that I may finally be buckling under the pressure, I may have burned out. I just want to leave, get on the road and leave everything behind, I know that my problems will follow, but I just need to be somewhere that isn't here. I need to be in the company of friends, I need to just talk to someone face to face, to hold someone. I just can't take this much longer, I feel like I'm drowning, reaching desperately for something to grab onto and stay afloat. Realistically I don't know what I'm doing anymore, or what i'll be able to do in the future. I'm just not as sure as I once was, things have gotten cloudy for me recently. I've misread people and situations recently that I wouldn't have in the past. I feel lost and unsure, and it's just one more thing that I used to have to help me that's begun to fail. My memory and my judgement have been clouded and without them I'm completely lost. I know that I keep saying I don't know and I feel lost, but I can't help it. In the most clear terms I don't have any idea of what the hell is going on or what to do about it.

Until next time, if you're nearby please I need some time and some help with what's going on. I just can't handle all this in my head

well that's interesting

Hmm... I've noticed that while I get a lot of page views I get very few comments here which makes me wonder a bit who's actually reading. I received a single email about my last post, one which I am very grateful for, but no comments on the actual page. I will continue to write up here, but I can't really say that the response has been particularly motivating. That's pretty much all I've got to say today, but I do wonder how many people have actually been reading...

Until Next Time, it's hotter than hell here now, seriously peaking at about 110-111 today? Ridiculous...

Holy shit...

So today I thought I'd go back and close out some of my old blogs considering that no one really reads them anymore, but before I did I figured I'd dig through all my old posts for fun and see my opinions on things and how they've changed. What I found wasn't anywhere near as fun as I thought it would be. I realized I don't remember high school. Not just the trivial things, I don't fucking remember writing the things I did, I don't remember faces, I can't recall the sequence of things. I do recall some very vague memories, some names, overall concepts of classes, where we ate lunch. But overall I have huge blank spots in my memory. I knew that I'd forgotten some things, a little more than I should have, but nowhere near this extent of things. It scared the shit out of me to be honest. I used to rely on my memory for everything, I could remember all the little things, I knew dates and times, places, names, faces, entire conversations, now I just recall random facts, things I have no idea where I picked them up, or how I learned them. I sit at a computer and start working on some random thing and suddenly I've solved the problem or a memory I know isn't mine pops up. I just don't know what the fuck is happening to me. I wish I could recall things better, I don't know how to do so though. I don't even know if I can blame this on the meds, I know I can blame some of it on the meds, but how much? And how long until I can't remember it at all? Will I be able to recall what little I do in a few years? If I forget it will I still be the same person? How can I make decisions if I don't know what's happened. Will the person currently known as me even exist outside a physical shell in the future?

I don't pretend to have all the answers, all I know is that I have a choice to make, let it all go, stop worrying about it and press forward on one path to discovering my true self or try and reclaim that which, up to this point, made me who I am. I know that seems a bit paradoxical, but what I mean is, do I keep moving forward and let the past go while working to calm the storm in my mind by gently moving the things that cause the problems aside, or do I look back and try to recover the things that will help me understand what is happening. Both have their merits, but I just can't decide, I feel like I'm approaching a point where I'll need to make this choice and it may involve a drastic lifestyle change. As always I'd love it if you guys weighed in on the subject either in a post or in an email to lhocke89@gmail.com.

Until Next Time, I feel like I'm walking towards the edge, I just don't know if it's time to run and throw myself off and see what's next, or if I should just stop and turn around. For now I'll just keep smiling, but the decision is going to be coming soon I fear

*EDIT* I forgot to say RIP Senator Ted Kennedy, your contributions to this world will be remembered and you will be missed.

Late night talks with good friends

So, last night/this morning, I received a pleasant surprise which has made the entirety of my recent misfortune ebb away. I received a message from a good friend I hadn't talked to in nearly a year, and amazingly we were able to carry on a rather lengthy conversation about our lives. In all we talked for almost eight hours, something that never happens with me, usually I run out of things to say within the first few minutes of a conversation, but for some reason we just connect when we talk. This happy occurrence has given me cause to talk about my friends and what I have to appreciate and be thankful for.

I want to thank all my friends who have been there for me in the past and put up with all my faults and problems. I know that I haven't always been the easiest person to work with, or live with, or even deal with at times, and I am trying to change that. Really I'm just glad that you have all stuck through it with me, especially those who have been there with me when I've stood at the edge and stared into the darkest parts of myself, contemplating the perceived futility of my actions. Those of you who weren't able to be there with me, I understand why, and I harbor no ill will towards you. I do understand that it has strained my relationships with people, and cost me some potential friends or loves, but I also hope that you understand that I spend each day fighting with two demons, each trying to destroy me in a different way. Living with Bipolar Disorder is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Some people think, and have told me, that it is nothing major and everyone has mood swings. While true that most people experience mood swings it is difficult to describe just how painful it is to go to sleep unable to tell if you'll wake up stable, manic, or too depressed to move.

The worst part of having this disease is not the lack of an actual cure, or the uncertainty of how you will react or behave, it's the ignorance of others that hurts the most. Every time I meet someone I can't tell them I'm Bipolar, and those that I do don't always accept it. I've had people cut off contact entirely, or watch me like I'm suddenly going to attack them, but the worst are the people who look at me as though I'm going to infect them with something. In today's supposedly enlightened world and society it seems that the disabled or ill are always relegated to a substandard view. Struggling with myself everyday to keep it together, it hurts more than most could imagine to hear someone say that I shouldn't be here. I have just as much right to be attending college as anyone else, and telling me that I'm not suited for it does nothing to help me. Sometimes I wonder just when I'm going to get my break, when are things going to ease up on me and let me get back on my feet.

My life has always seemed wonderful to people who only know me by reputation, or just know my parents, but beneath the carefully constructed facade and the masks that I wear I've been fighting my own demons for a long time.

My Trip and The Doctors

hey everyone, I'm back from LA, Pasadena, and Oakland, with a good deal of things that have happened, mostly they are good, but tonight I feel like I should just put up a couple of those that aren't so great, and we'll get to the good ones next time. Sorry if you were expecting an uplifting post, I just don't have it in me right now to do so. The trip itself was off to a bit of a rocky start when my train broke down before it left the station and we were relegated onto a bus into LA. The trip down wan't awful, I actually got a really nice view of teh clouds, but it's what happened once I hit Anaheim that started things off badly. I was changing my shirt when my dad noticed a spot on my side which had originally been a birthmark was now raised and irregularly shaped and colored. Of course he tells me I need to get it checked out ASAP, which was monday. I made the appointment, and prepared to spend the rest of the week enjoying myself. A couple days later I nearly collapsed with a massive headache and was unable to see anything in a way that made sense. I recovered and made it back to my hotel, but I was starting to get worried. On Monday I got to the doctor's and he basically looked at it, and said, "well I don't know, it's a tumor, but i'm not certain if it's malignant." Feeling a little better I asked what I should do, he basically just looked at me and said I need to consult with someone and he'd set up an appointment. The next doc then referred me to Dermatology to have it removed and analyzed. That third doctor looked at it, made a small hmm and then cut it off. She couldn't tell if it was cancerous, so now I'm waiting until next week to find out if it's good news or bad. The wait made me completely sick to my stomach yesterday, and although I'm feeling a little better today, the wound is healing slowly and hurts terribly. The one bright spot about all this is that it started to rearrange my priorities, I decided that I should stop being scared of telling people how I feel, and start working on some things that I'd set down and almost forgotten. Of course the universe loves to laugh at me and these plans were put once more on indefinite hold. So now I'm still in a holding pattern, once more circling and looking for a place to land, my port in the storm, or any other number of cliches that you may wish to throw at me. I suppose most of it right now is I just need some support now to get me through this, whether I'm sick or not. It's scared the hell out of me, and I feel like I'm staring again into a blackness that I thought I had locked away for a very long time. I have been getting back in touch with old friends though, so that's good, and I'm trying to be on AIM a bit more often than I have been in a while. So please, feel free to pick up the phone and call me, or email me, or text me, or IM me, I look forward to hearing from you

Until Next Time, I'm clinging to threads of my life and feeling it spiral again, I need someone to reach out a hand, and keep me from my fall.

Well after a few mishaps...

> Okay everyone, I've finally reached th final leg of my trip into
> anaheim after an aparent mechanical problem forced usbto take a bus
> from SLO to LA's Union Station. The ruse wasn't bad as far as bus
> trips go, but definitely not the best way to travel. I did have a
> very nice view of the clouds all the way down which was very nice.
> So I guess anquicm recap is in order, I spent the night on the couch
> of a friend so that I would actually be awake in time to catch my
> train, ended up falling asleep sometime after two this morning, and
> surprisingly slept pretty comfortably. I then woke up at 6 and ate a
> quick breakfast before being driven to the train station by Brian,
> so thanks very much for that! :) as I type this we are currently
> headed south, so I should arrive in Anaheim very soon, then it's
> time for Disneyland! I'll email in a few more updates probably,
> though they will definitely be short, not much I can type quickly in
> an email, my thumbs get tired :( also you cna follow menon Twitter
> where I will be posting regularly my screenname is @lhocke
>
> Until next time, enjoy this summer weather and those of you on the
> semester schedule enjoy these last few weeks of summer!
>
> P.s as always my phone is on so feel free to call, text or email me
> anytime! I'll get back to you as soon as I get some time :)

Ahhhhh, summer vacation

So, tomorrow morning I'm headed out to the train station at 6:30 AM for a 6:45 AM train to Anaheim where I will be going to Disneyland with my family, followed by a return to the Bay where, hopefully, I will be able to procure tickets to the soccer game in ATT Park on Saturday night, followed by Singin' in the Rain at Woodminster on Sunday. Then monday I'll be going to the dentist, the optometrist, and to transfer the title on my Grandmother's 2000 Toyota Camry to my name. I will be returning to SLO on the 11th, with the car. So basically the next week is going to be a littel hectic, but fun, so give me a call or text me if you want to hang out this weekend while I'm back, or if you want to come down to SLO anytime. That's pretty much it for right now, I'm crashing on a friend's couch tonight so he can drive me to the train station. I'll post again when I get back, not sure if I'll have a decent internet connection while in the hotel.

Until Next Time, I'm glad to see more people are jumping on the twitter bandwagon and I hope that more of you will consider joining in! follow me @Lhocke

HARRY POTTER!!!!

Hey everyone, been a little while, and I've been busy having fun and class. So the other day I took a break from it all and went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince, which was only the third Harry Potter movie that I've seen. The acting was great, the story phenomenal, the cinematography and effects were the best I've seen in any of the series, and while the script was a little iffy, it was still wonderful. I recently reread the books, and the movie definitely held true to the story. I was absolutely blown away by the cinematography, beautiful sweeping shots of the countryside, an amazing effect watching a cave go from darkness and lit to reveal a vast cavern, and some wonderful steadicam shots and great visual contrast. I find it hard to review the film without giving anything away, so as much as I'd love to talk about all the special effects for the spells, I just can't bring myself to spoil it! So instead, I'll move on to the acting, which was wonderful in this installment. A great deal of humour came from the continued awkwardness of Ginny and Harry, as well as Ron and Hermione. Rupert Grint, Daniel Radcliffe, Bonnie Wright, and Emma Watson are all fantastic in their roles, and all come off very naturally in their roles. One especially wonderful bit happens when Ron (Rupert Grint) eats laced chocolate intended for Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) and falls under the effects of the love potion and becomes infatuated with a girl he has never met, as well as the moon. I really loved teh movie so much that I'm going to see it again, probably this weekend and I hope on a bigger screen, so if anyone wants to join in please feel free to do so. I highly recommend this film to everyone, the characters are much more fully developed than they have been in the past, and the visual effects were simply amazing! My one regret about the film was that it wasn't longer. I wish that it there had been another hour, or maybe a split in this film to make it two parts. I really did love it that much. So again I highly recommend that you go see it!

Until next time, I'm done with summer school this afternoon so I'l be trying to update a bit more often than I have been, I'll also be online more often now that I should have some more free time.

p.s. This post was originally supposed to have gone up on the 15th so you can see just how backed up I am in my work :-/

Welp, I wasn't gonna do this but...

*sigh* It's early in the morning but I'm up and watching Viva Blackpool, and exchanging tweets with Jeff. So instead of getting some sleep, but considering it's the weekend it's okay I guess. Okay, so let's get right down to it shall we?

Last weekend I saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with Jeff, who is a pretty awesome guy, and an awesome friend to see it with. Pretty much the movie was okay, not great but not completely awful, as long as you look at it as an action movie. The action and the explosions were pretty awesome to start but by the end it was just boring, it basically became explosion, explosion, explosion, gunfire, gunfire, explosion, dialogue, more mayhem. Really that was the entire movie, lots of action and explosions, a decent idea for a plot, good CGI, a crappy script, mediocre acting, and Megan Fox's inexplicable ability to get through every disaster without a scrape, bruise, or even a speck of dirt sticking to her. Whilst joking around with some people the other day someone joked that she must be covered with the same coating as the cars, and if you see the movie you'll understand why it applies. She manages to go through the largest explosions completely untouched while Shia LaBeouf gets the shit beaten out of him constantly. Of course that's just one of the strange things about this film. The film is also nowhere near the family friendly film the first one was in both action and dialogue. The previously clean language of the characters is replaced with much more explicit language, the words bitch, asshole, and fuck tend to crop up at moments that seriously call into question the skills of the writer. While the first half of the film was decent, giving us some character development and tension between characters, of course the enjoyment wears of after the first 20 minutes or so, mostly because everything is so overdone and annoying. Anyone who was in a relationship at the end of high school and went to different college should recognise the awkwardness of the situation, but the movie milks it, using it as an excuse to set up the inevitable temptation of Sam, by a girl who is definitely attractive, but follows him rather like a stalker, sorry, not really my cup of tea, thank you very much. Anyway turns out that after pissing off his girlfriend by not showing up for their online date because he was at a frat party, he basically gets jumped by this girl, and surprise, she's a fembot. After that it goes downhill quickly, lots of explosions, but that's it. Nothing else of note really happens. And by now if you've read any other reviews you should know about what is probably the funniest part of the film, when Sam's mom unknowingly eats a pot brownie, resulting in some mild hilarity. Overall I say that if you really must see it, wait for the DVD release, then find someone with a big screen and a good sound system. Trust me you'll be happier and your wallet will thank you as well.

Until next time, Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans, and anyone else, have a great weekend. Next time I'll review Public Enemies and have tales of the week. Take care everyone!

testing out a new feed

Nothing really exciting tonight folks, I know I've promised reviews but right now I'm a bit tired so I'm just trying to get an RSS aggregator that'll work on Facebook, while trying something new with my current twitterfeed.

Until next time, have a wonderful fourth of July! Happy Independence to everyone here in the USA

just a quickie

Okay, just a quick little blog post, had an awesome weekend, wrote some, hung out with friends a lot, saw Transformers 2 (review up soon), impulsively went to Morro bay with Brian and Jen at 9 pm on saturday, followed by an 11 o'clock run to in 'n out until 1, watching reefer madness until 3:30 or 4, collapsing on my bed, getting up at 12 on sunday, getting lunch at Tim's, hanging out, Costco run (thanks Jen! =D), semi-impulsively going to Avila Beach with Brian, Jen, and Em, running into the ocean, swinging at the beach coming back to SLO and getting dinner at 8:30, returing to my place with most of the stuff from Costco, crashing again at 10. All in all a good weekend, I do wish I wasn't up so early, but meh, not so bad. I've checked the poll results and currently 4 votes for being both emotionally and physically close without a relationship, 1 for physical only, and 4 for emotional only. None of you who have voted thus far believe that these connections constitute a relationship (for the sake of disambiguation, relationship here means a romantic relationship, and though I might not have made it clear, when it says physically close, it means sex, just in case you didn't get that. Again, I ask that anyone who voted, if you wish, to comment on why you voted the way you did, or send an email to lhocke89@gmail.com

Until next time, me brain feels like it's on fire when I write, good? bad? not sure, but when I've got a couple hundred words of creativity down it feels pretty awesome =D

P.S. There's still almost a full day left to vote before the poll closes, a new one will go up the day after probably

ZOMBIES!!!!!!

OK so yesterday I promised a post about the zombie apocalypse, this morning I woke up with my mind bursting with a plot for said zombie apocalypse, so now I'm writing a story on that, call it a relief project. Thus far I have seven main characters, four of whom sadly must die, but three will definitely survive. Of course, following my normal incomplete process, I only have names for six of the seven characters... But that's beside the point unless any of you have a strong female name I can use?

But anyway, some of you have heard the theory i have jokingly proposed in conversations about zombies, where the first stop is a gun store, followed by a hardware warehouse, and then to Costco. Really it would be a pretty good way to live it out as long as you have a large enough group of people to grab all the guns and ammo, then send one group to secure Costco and another larger one to procure supplies from the hardware store to reinforce the doors and generators for more power. Of course, this is all well and good, but I'm not going to let my characters have it that easy at all }:-> I hate to put them in a mall, as it's really a seriously clichéd place to hide out, but that's where they may end up, school is out of the question, too many windows, not enough cover, and almost impossible to barricade, warehouse is good, but like I said too easy. So now it probably is a mall unless I have a sudden flash about somewhere better, military base maybe, that one'll let me have soldier zombies =D But anyway, I still need one more name, Kelly was suggested, but it doesn't quite feel right, not sure what will, but I'm still developing her backstory so maybe she'll give me her own name.

Until next time, hehe converting aspects of one's friends into archetypes is fun *sly smile*

*EDIT: Okay since first posting this people have also suggested Kait and Norah, I like both the names, but can't justify creating another female character. I have four guys, and three girls, which works out well in terms of pairing, as one guy must be the one desiring a girl who desires the emotionally unavailable guy. hmm, guess at this point I'm still working on a backstory for all of them, which likely no one but myself will ever see*

*EDIT #2: Alright I've started writing, currently I'm about 1300 words in, not as far as I had hoped to get this weekend, but the weather demanded friends and the beach, so who am I to deny such impulses? Anyway, at this point, they aren't zombies but people who I think I'll be calling The Infected. Also as much as I didn't want to put them in a mall, it's really the only thing that's gonna work out with my current plotline, but a decent chunk of the story is leading up to the mall scenes, so it's not a "Hey we're running from zombies, look we're in a mall, oh hey there's stuff to fight with, oh no they're getting in, oh damn we're fucked" kind of book. Hopefully it'll be pretty established what's happened by the time they're blocked off, other than that, y'all will have to wait a bit and see what is actually going to happen to each character ;) one last little tidbit though, when I finally get this done and sent out, getting attached to any one character may make you said }>:-) hehehe, I'm so mean to my characters sometimes...*

Well now that the internet is back a new post!

For anyone who doesn't know, my cable and internet went out yesterday afternoon, and I suddenly realized how empty my apartment is without the them. It was quite depressing, and I couldn't do anything about it because I had work to get done. So when the cable company agreed to send out a tech this morning I was pretty happy about it, until my time window passed and no one had shown up, so there went my morning. After three more calls to Charter they finally agreed to track down the tech and found out someone had said the problem was fixed. I spent about twenty minutes explaining that I still had no service, only to have them argue back that the computer said it was fixed... I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle someone. When the tech finally got here he checked the box, tried to call his supervisor and got put on hold. So finally he just went to the main junctions and found that yesterday someone else pulled the connection for my neighbors and included mine in the disconnect >:-(. but long story short he got me hooked up again and back to my vices, but now I really feel the need to be out there with people, so anyone who is in SLO please, please, please let me know when y'all are available so we can hang out, it gets boring downtown by myself.

until next time, hmm... I wonder what to do now about getting food, and anyonw who want to come by tonight is always welcome to

well, I'm posting for the sake of posting tonight

I just feel like rambling a bit tonight, so bare with me for a bit. It's summertime and the weather is good most of the time, sometimes a little overcast which sucks when bike and foot are your only methods of transportation. That should be solved sooner than later however as plans for my motorcycle license continue to move forward as I have now found another person interested in taking the course this summer. So once I've gotten that taken care of the next problem is actually getting my hands on a motorcycle to ride. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but getting my license would be pretty awesome. In other news, if you're here in SLO I'll be having a party on thursday night, and probably several others in the coming months, but if you're available and interested just give me a call and I'll get you the details. Other little pieces of what's going on here, it's pretty lax, not much going on here. I've applied for a few jobs, but haven't heard back on any of them yet, so it's pretty boring right now. I know I promised to have a bit of my writings available soon, but I've hit a snag and I'm trying to work around some creative issues, so as soon as I can get m mind back on track with the story it'll begin again. I've also discovered a wonderful new TV show from Showtime called Nurse Jackie. Awesome new hospital show, centered around a nurse whose life is falling apart and how she deals with her job, addiction, and family. The show is funny and thoughtful which is pretty awesome considering it's only a half hour long. I highly recommend that if you get Showtime that you watch it, if you don't hopefully you can pick it up when it's released on DVD. So a short post tonight, I'll have more coming of course, including an update of my review of the Hangover with a more in-depth description of the movie.

Until next time, anyone who wants to go paintballing this summer it's on!

Year One = Fail

Okay, usually I review films the day after I see them, unless it's completely awesome or it just fails horribly. Year One is a case of the latter. After seeing The Hangover last night, I was sorely disappointed in this film. I'm not certain where to begin in this review, but I guess I'll start with casting. I'm a fan of Jack Black, usually an underrated actor in my opinion, but in this film he's just awful, then of course there's Michael Cera, an actor who I think has a very very limited range of characters. He's only able to play the awkward, shy, guy who is unable to win the girl which, while endearing in films like Juno and Nick & Nora, just gets annoying. The whole film I wanted to scream at him to man up and do something, take a stance, punch the heinously disgusting high priest in the face instead of slathering him with oil. Which brings me to the writing, it just wasn't very memorable, I chuckled at parts, but no real laugh out loud, side-hurting laughter. The jokes were okay, but for the most part it was making fun of biblical figures and not much else. Probably one of the most confusing parts of the movie was the progression between the ages with only the passage of a few weeks. Really the plot was weak, two guys get kicked out of their home and on a journey to find and redeem themselves, big woop it's been used to many times, they find out the world is much bigger than they imagined and in their first encounter with the outside world, they see Cain murder Abel. Up to this point the movie is okay, not great but okay, some laughs and one horribly awful shit-eating moment. Then of course we meet Noah and Cain has an adolescent lashout over dinner when asked about Abel, despite the fact that he's got to be in his mid to late twenties, not cool. From there it just kind of slowly goes downhill, we meet Abraham as he's about to sacrifice Isaac, Jack Black claims to be an agent of God to save him, there's a few circumcision jokes, some Sodom/Las Vegas jokes, and then just a whole bunch of hey we're in Sodom, we have power, we're slaves again, hey we have power again, nope we don't, hey look at that Michael Cera got the girl, and then of course, wait what that's the end? Not a "I really wanted more" that's the end, but more of a "I'm not quite sure what the hell just happened in the last hour and a half. There's a lot of of comedy talent in this film, just not much of it actually makes it out, then of course there's two scenes I wanted to just puke, actually started gagging at one point, and a whole lot of hey we're in sodom so we have to make veiled gay jokes. I say if you really want to see this film, rent it, or better yet borrow it from someone else who rents it. It's just a bad film, it had potential, definitely had talented actors, but it fell flat. Biggest disappointment is Michael Cera, seriously the guy just needs to get some different roles and stop mumbling! Overall, if you skip this film, you aren't missing much of anything.

until next time, I wonder what would happen if you mixed chocolate, pineapple, graham crackers, oranges, strawberries and bananas, for some reason it sounds delicious...

"The Hangover!"

Okay, so I just got back from seeing the hangover and now must share it's awesomeness. First off let me say I had my reservations about this film, nothing against it really just I'm not a huge fan of comedy. I was expecting something that would make me laugh, but nothing really memorable, but I was pleasantly surprised. I laughed my ass off the entire time, so much so that I'm going to have to see it a second time to actually try and hear the lines. The casting was awesome, the script well written, although some of the jokes were placed to close together so the laughter covered them, and the plot was phenomenal. Is it Oscar material, probably not, but it is good quality entertainment that was pretty amazing. I don't like giving away too much in a review, but the easiest thing to say is that if you've seen the commercials you've got the idea of the movie. It's not really deep or inspiring, and it doesn't pretend to be, the whole movie is set up as a joke, and it succeeds completely. I give it two thumbs up, or some witty form of ranking that I'll come up with later, much too tired right now to do so. One little warning though, if you see this film, which I highly recommend you do, be warned that at the end of the film during the credits there are some pictures that may offend, disgust, or freak out some people. Just saying, you're warned. Anyway, The Hangover is playing now, and I definitely recommend you see it now and buy it on DVD when it comes out, easily tied with UP for my favorite film of the season.

Until next time, if you see the film and you party, you should empathize with Stu when he wakes up on the floor of the hotel room, the camera shot tells it all

a 2nd post today?!

Okay so some of you are going to know what I'm talking about, others aren't, but you'll probably know anyway before to long. I was going through a bunch of stuff today, and started thinking about changing my profile page on facebook, but for some reason I really couldn't do it, kinda like how I keep freezing whenever I try and tell my parents. goddamnmotherfuckingbastard. Any questions, comments, or just random bits welcome.

until next time, happy fluffy things are going to get some serious hurt tonight >:-(

why is there no bus service after 7?

Okay, so this has been bothering me for a bit, I've been going to shabbat services on Friday nights at the local reform congregation, but it's becoming a real pain to get back. Riding my bike there is pretty simple because it's mostly downhill, but riding uphill in a suit for a few miles just isn't fun. With this in mind I decided it would be a great idea to catch a bus home, of course in SLO that's not an option as the buses stop running after 7, so I can take the bus there, but once services start the bus stops running. I don't want to take a taxi home, because it's just annoying to have to pay for something so simple. Of course I could carpool, but I haven't met anyone who lives near me. So yes that's today's gripe, I want to get to temple and back easily, but I can't, stupid SLO city council.

Until next time, every day I feel the need to get my motorcycle license more... either that or get a car

I think my body is punishing me...

So I decided at the beginning of this month to lose weight, gain muscle and start training for a half-marathon or triathlon in the next two years, extremely ambitious, but hopefully attainable. I've been working out to try and do this, felt great until today when suddenly my body decided that working out for four hours a day, sometimes more, that I should begin to suffer. I woke up this morning almost completely unable to move and, to use a cliché, aching in places I didn't even know I had. So today I'm going to scrap the planned bike ride and jog, and instead maybe go for a leisurely ride and a walk. If I had the money I would love to go to the spa for a nice massage and relaxation day, but alas this is not so, and I'd feel weird alone. So yes two things in there, one if you'd like to join me for a day of relaxation this summer please do, and two if you'd like to help me train, please do :) Other than that I don't have much else to say right now, other than my tan is looking nicer, and hopefully I'll be in shape enough soon to get to the beach and help it along

until next time, I loves me my advil

It's back!!!

Well I'm overjoyed to once again have my laptop in my possession after the past 5 days it was being serviced. Yes I realize how geeky that sounds, and yes I really did feel like there was a hole in my life without it, so I though I'd take a moment to comment on the rather sad state of socializing in today's society. I did get out of my apartment and hang out with friends, even had a few down here yesterday from out of town, but at the same time I felt like I was missing connections that exist only in cyberspace, I have now doubt that my WoW guild is probably freaking out and will virtually yell at me when I sign on, i will undoubtedly be blamed for failed raids for lack of a healer or DPS (yes more nerd speak here, but please it's a nerd post, what did you expect?). At this point I don't even know if it's worth logging back on to WoW, I'm kind of enjoying life without it, but I know that it will inevitably suck me back in, it's like a bad drug you just can't stop using. OK so that's that little tidbit, other than that I just realised I don't have anything to really complain about other than no pandora, but that's not really a big deal, although i did have to resort to using vista *soul withers and dies a bit* really the worst part of that was i was trying to write something and the machine decided to update and reboot, so like an idiot I hadn't saved yet and spent the next two hours trying to put together what I'd just written so that sucked.

Speaking of writing I think I'll be comfortable sending out samples of my intro to the novel starting late next week, I was going to send them out tomorrow, but that was before the tech problems started and then I just got really insecure with it, so it's going back to self-edit and we'll see how it comes out.

Until next time, enjoy your summer! Also there are only 4 votes on the poll but I found those four interesting, so anyone who wants to comment anonymously about why they voted the way they did please do, or shoot me an email at lhocke89@gmail.com

p.s. some of you may note that I used the british spelling of realise, yes it is a correct spelling, just different, stupid webster helping make two dictionaries

a good night

It's been while since I've had as much fun as I did last night, which really was a lot of fun, even if I'm incredibly sore now. Basically it started when I went downtown and met some people, had a really great time out for a few hours just messing around, then we went back to their place and continued having fun, I arrived at the party with one guy, but saw a girl I was more interested in there so we socialized for a while, until her boyfriend showed up, were he not so huge I would've maybe chanced it, but he was like a huge wall, and I wasn't completely steady at that point. So instead I left after a little while more and went for a run. After that things get a little fuzzy, but I remember talking to Tim, and going over to someone else's place and eventually ending up at my place again, and falling asleep at around 5 this morning. So yes parts of last night are very fuzzy, but it was fun. I'm not sure I really want to do that again, but it's a good memory, especially since I tried to commit it all to memory last night by constantly reviewing what I'd done. Of course my head feels like it's about to explode, but now I have the Stanley Cup finals to watch =D at the time I'm posting this, we're 20 minutes in and there's no score, thanks to Fleury's awesomeness =D. GO PENGUINS !

Also let's celebrate the strat of summer! Anyone who wants to come visit over the next few months, please do. Just gimme a call and I'll give4 the particulars on how to get to my place in SLO =D

Damn it...

While u thoroughly enjoy my iPhone, I don't like that it's now my only
method of digital communication. Long story short my computer is in
fir service and my options are to use my phone, or use my PoC
*shudder* (btw those of you who understood the acronym, congrats, this
who didn't, think about it for a while, it'll come to you). Anyway
like I said, I've only got my phone for know, which makes me sad. The
whole story is much to long to attempt a post via email, but as soon
as i've got my laptop back I promise to tell you all about it. The
worst part is, I can't type up my new ideas for stories but thank god
for time machine.

hm, another early morning post?!

Well to be perfectly honest it's actually a late night post for me since I haven't gone to bed yet. I've been entertaining friends at my place until just a few minutes ago, and had a great time with it :-). To be perfectly honest, I couldn't care less if I get any sleep today, that's how good I feel right now. The evening started off without anyone else here, so I started the dinner slightly worried that no one would show, but most everyone showed up that I had hoped would come. We were missing Jeff, which does make me a bit sad, as it would have been really nice to see him out and about having fun. I was glad to spend time with my friends, albeit a little irked over some matters not completely pertaining to the party. We had a good time, eating, laughing, watching a movie, talking some, but eventually most of the people headed home a little after midnight, and to my pleasant surprise, a few people actually stayed behind for a while! We continued to hang out, this time spending nearly four hours talking and walking outside for a bit to get slurpees. Of course during this time I got confirmation on a few things that I had been wondering, and grew closer to two guys I had hoped to become friends with. We basically just talked about life and what was going on with each of us, I learned several surprising things about each of them, which frankly I was proud that they shared with me.

Truly, if only for a few hours, we were three sharing a mind, speaking about our pasts experiences and what we should do with our present. It's one of those things were a group of people can just connect and speak together, opening up and just letting the dialogue flow. Thinking about it I'm actually proud of myself for actually being able to open up like I did, granted I had a bit of help, but I'm happy that I at least talked about it with my friends. After actually talking with these guys I've realized just how much I've missed having people to just talk to completely relaxed and free of assumptions. Not that my other friends aren't there for me, or that I think I can't tell them things, it's just that sometimes I get the feeling that when I'm telling my story, it becomes something secondary to whomever is listening. Tonight I got the feeling that I was actually able to speak and be heard while listening to the others. It's been a while since I've had that kind of open exchange, something I wish I had in my family, but we're just not really touchy-feely people, or at least most of the family isn't. I don't mind the physical contact, I actually enjoy it, but my family is more the "let's-talk-about-it-and-then-we'll-go-from-there" kind of family. Anyway, I do wish that my family was closer, instead of just talking it out. It's gotten to the point where I've realized that talking it out with my family is just not going to happen, or rather talking it out truthfully while my mom and brother are there won't happen. I could probably talk candidly with my dad but he has proven in the past that what I tell him and ask him to keep secret won't stay that way for any extended period of time. It's a little beside the point, or maybe it is the point, either way what I'm saying is that I have problems trusting people, some of you know this already, some of you don't, but if you didn't now you do. I can't say for certain what it is that first started my lack of trust, but I suspect that the way my family operates is part of it. I can't change the past, and if I could I'm not sure that I necessarily would. I mean yeah I'd probably try and change a few things but nothing major, it's shaped to much of who I am now.

Last little segment of my post, I'm getting back into my writings, having scrapped, or at least shelved, the last manuscript I was working on, as it was just too painful to try and finish. As I write more I will try to post segments of it for all of you to view. I do feel that I must warn you about the potentially dark nature of what I'm writing. As a mainly stream-of-consciousness writer many of my own demons manifest themselves along the way, some of them may seem benign while others terrify me, I don't know how they come across to others as I haven't actually had anyone read of them, or really see what it is that flows through my mind in the darkest hours of day and night.

If you want to read a bit of the intro please leave a comment or email me about it and I'll send you the intro I have right now, extremely rough, but hopefully it can be refined. One condition to receiving the draft, you must send me your thoughts on what I send you. Really not a big deal, but I would appreciate your input to the process.

Well, thanks for reading and please, please, please, vote in the poll on the side of the blog

Late NIght!!!! (or Early Morning...)

I'm starting to write this post at 2:45 in the morning, an hour which has become strangely familiar to me despite all my efforts to sleep. I've increased my exercise, tried changing my diet, going to bed at a reasonable hour, none of it works. As a last resort I went to sleeping pills from my doctor, of course i stopped taking those recently because I started having trouble waking up. Anyway this is a pretty short post since I've pretty much forgotten what I was going to say, I'll update the post later I guess, but since I'm still writing I'll say this. Apparently I've replaced sleep with chores...

Feel better?

Well that's the question I've been asking myself today, do I feel better? I supposed the general answer is yes, I do feel better than I did last night especially since I had so many people around at bike night, I got my own endorphins going, and let my body pump me full of more from the mood of everyone around me. After a comment conversation with a friend on my last post, I realized something that I used to think and then kinda just forgot about. He mentioned that he feels like he sometimes feeds off the energy of others, and it felt suddenly like I was talking with someone who feels that connection. I do feed off of the emotions of others, usually I can tell when someone is upset, or worried before they say anything, just by looking at the way they carry themselves but also, I just feel it. Of course it's not 100% accurate, sometimes I don't feel anything, and other times I'm right about the feeling but not the degree to which the person is feeling it. Oftentimes I find myself wondering if others feel this way, like they can hear the secret meanings behind the words, or feel the problems before they come to light. It's just one of those weird things that I assumed were normal when I was a kid, and then started to wonder about as I saw more and more people acting with complete ignorance as to the effects of their actions. Anyway this is just a short post saying I'm feeling better than I did last night, but still wrapped up in a swarm of emotions, the one most absent that I wish I had is romantic love, or at least someone to hold.

I'll post again tomorrow, thanks for the comments on my last post they really did help. Also please vote on the side of my blog, just curious about how you all feel on the issue

I feel so alone again

*sigh* i guess I should be sleeping but after being around my friends and feeling pretty good it just suddenly hit me as I walked back to my apartment alone, I'm tired of coming back to an empty apartment and having only myself to be with. Without anyone close by to talk to or even just feel the presence of another human being, I'm left to stew in my own thoughts, and they always seem to turn darkest at three predictable times, Valentine's day, the beginning of summer, and Christmas. I know, kind of a weird list but all with their own reasons, first V-Day or Singles' Awareness Day (SAD) hurts because I never seem to find a date for it, usually I can't even get a group of single's together for a chance to just laugh together and take my mind off of it. Christmas I dread because it means an extended period of keeping secret's under the guise of holiday cheer, it also just feels false to smile at everyone who comes over and pretend that everything is alright, Sometimes I just want to scream at the world and let it all out, all the pain and pent up anger, frustration, secrets. It's toxic to hold onto, but letting it go is so hard, because there is just so much of it. When it comes to summer i guess it's just a little strange, sumer should be a time of happiness and fun, but to me summers are marred in much the same way as Christmas. I have extended periods of time in which I'm required to bottle up everything that I am and pull on a mask and costume of who I am to my parents and relatives. I remember family trips with a great hope at the beginning that always fades into frustration and regret. Summer also marks a time of sadness for me, every time the end of school approaches it's a reminder of my grandfather's death. It's hard to describe what else causes it, partially my weird brain, but it still just makes me want to lie down and give up sometimes.

Anyway the point of my writing this post was to try and put down what it is I'm feeling tonight. I love my friends and am so glad to have them around, I do wish that some of my older friends were in my life more but there is always so much getting in the way, I hold no grudges on that point, but my friends aren't always near me, and that's where part of the problem starts. I'm fine with other people around, but without them I have very little support for myself. I'm not saying that all I do on my own is sit and mope, I do get out, exercise, shop, hike by myself, and that's all well and good, but it's the knowledge that at the end of the day, I'm sleeping alone, there is no one I'll meet up with at my place and just hang with or cuddle with, no one who's place I'd really feel good about just crashing at. Maybe some of my friends wouldn't mind, but I'm not the kind to try and impose that on anyone. I guess really right now I just feel a bit like my personal relationships are spinning out of control all around me I see people who are looking at summer romances, beginning to consider who they want to pair off with. I'm happy for them all but it leaves me alone still. I often get phone calls, texts, and emails from people who are having all sorts of relationship drama, and I'm willing to help out, to listen to these problems and give any insights I might have, I can even laugh about them sometimes, but it just underscores something that I don't have. It seems like right now everyone I look at is either unwilling to enter a relationship, eyeing someone else, already taken, or not interested. (NOTE: This does not apply to the vast majority of you who may be reading this.) I just don't know what to do at this point I'm conflicted, happy for everyone who are entering relationships, or have that secret crush, but also tired of having only my crushes, or short relationships which are doomed from the beginning. I'm also holding so many secrets of others it feels like I'm going to explode sometimes. I've already stopped going to two therapists because all that happened was I felt guilty about my choices, one of them tried to tell me I could change who I was genetically coded to be (stopped seeing him as soon as I left his office that day). So now I'm left without a therapist, with pills that are slowly losing there usefulness, a deep sense of depression, and an empty space of time in which I'll take classes, try and see my friends and then return at night to this same cozy piece of my personal hell. I just really really need a hug and a shoulder to cry on right now

sleep, the elusive prey

Well once again I find myself awake with practically no sleep, I would say that I got none except that at 6 AM when I was planning on getting up I inexplicably passed out, really there's no better way to describe it, I awoke about 2 and a half hours later feeling groggy and worse than I did before, strange how that works isn't it? Anyway it got e thinking again about the last time I had a really good night's sleep, uninterrupted by bad dreams, or trouble actually falling asleep, and truth be told the last time that happened it was the middle of the day and I had been up for 2 days straight, the last time that happened at night, I can't really say, not because it was so long ago, but because it's such a rare occurrence that it's hard to nail down precisely when it happened. I could go back to sleeping pills, but they make me so groggy in the morning, and it means that I have to be asleep before 11 which, sorry, just isn't going to happen in the near future. It's a little ironic that all the advice I've been given from medical professionals about this problem is to exercise more, can't really do that as I push myself to the point of exhaustion every day while working out, I suppose I could work out twice a day but I feel like I'm tempting fate as it is. Anyway point is, none of it seems to work, I've just got a screwed up biological clock that just needs to sync with someone else's in order to work properly. Hm, time to pick up the search for a relationship again? Who knows the answer to that question, it's probably not even answerable, oh well.

Since it's just to plain to see

-Lhocke

The reviews! Finally!

Well I've seen 4 of the major movies of the summer thus far, X-Men, Star Trek, Terminator and UP! All good movie, especially Star Trek and UP. So thus far my rankings are:

1. UP!

2. Star Trek

3. Terminator

4. X-Men

So I'll review them for you in that order, shall we begin? "UP!" is a fun well developed story with some amazing animation, the lighting especially is breathtaking. It's hard to review "UP!" without giving away too much of the plot, which is almost fully laid out before the audience within the first 15 minutes of the film, allowing the audience to actually discover what the characters discover. It's a film that I believe all ages would enjoy, although I must warn there are parts of this film that can be unbelievably sad. Really that's about all I can say without giving anything away, I can't vouch for how the movie looks in 3D as I didn't see it in 3D format, but even without it the film is still visually stunning. If you don't get out to see it I'd say it's a most definite buy on DVD.

Now on to Star Trek, I know that my view is slightly biased as a trekker (one who follows all the star trek series) but I'll try to remain impartial. Star Trek is not a typical Star Trek film, at it's core it is an action film with a plot. Several of the elements that are considered laughable in most of Star Trek such as the long winded debates about what to do in an action situation, the dramatic pauses of Shatner, time travel paradoxes, etc. Best parts of this film were the constant action with a purpose, it had enough of a plot to carry the action so that it didn't become dull and repetitive. Also the visual effects were wonderful and if you're familiar with the series, quite a few inside jokes make a comeback. The casting was flawless, I applaud the acting of Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto (also known as Sylar from "Heroes"), Simon Pegg, Karl Urban (who also played Eomer in LOTR), John Cho (Harold of "Harold and Kumar"), and Zoe Saldana. I do have one gripe about the film, it was too short. Several of the plot points could have been explored with a little more depth, but over all it is great film and I highly recommend it to all.

Terminator I was a little disappointed with, the story was decent, the action was good, and the acting was actually quite good. The problem is they didn't really mesh very well. Alone each portion was good, the Story lays itself out pretty well with a few continuity issues and several plot points that are abandoned about 15 minutes after they are revealed, often without any explanation. The action sequences were well choreographed, some nice explosions thrown in here and there, cool new machines which still resembled the machines we were introduced to in T1 and T2, but somehow just fail to fit in with the story line that's being built up. Basically the resistance is not led by John Connor, it's led by a group of crabby old men in a submarine who give orders without any regard as to the cost, because hell, they're practically invisible (apparently Skynet doesn't use sonar). Connor and his team discover a new terminator type is being constructed with human tissue and organs, of course, that's not what command wants, instead they want some random radio signal that can apparently shut down the machines as long as it's broadcast, of course no one knows where the tip came from, or why they got the the terminal without seeing any guards hmmm. And then of course a nuke gets dropped on the facility after Connor gets out and tries to radio the nearest base, whoops, looks like he's the only one with this knowledge now. Anyway, we do get to listen to the tapes we see being recorded in the first movie, we see John meet Kyle Reese for the first time, although even after the mentions of his brother Derek in the films and tv show, he's mysteriously missing, as in nonexistent. With the emotional level that Christian Bale is at throughout the entire film it's not hard to see why he snapped at the crew when something went wrong, honestly as an audience member I was slightly scared of the dude. All in all it's an ok film, but not a terminator film. It's decent enough to warrant and in theatre viewing, but I wouldn't buy it when it comes out on DVD unless you have a giant screen and at least 5.1 surround sound.

Now on to the final film which, sadly, I was sorely disappointed with. Hugh Jackman is wonderful as Wolverine, and it's great to see his backstory, but after he's pumped full of adamantium and escapes, well let's just say it kinda slides downhill., yes we see gambit, which is great, but really he's pretty annoying and a two-dimensional character. My biggest gripe though are the claws. In the first 3 X-Men movies those claws were kick ass, now they remind me of teh singing sword in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" if you don't know what I'm talking about, they look like a cartoon. The shine when there isn't enough light on them to warrant shining, the dimensions of them change as he moves, oh and my favorite bit they shimmer! And when I say shimmer i mean that they actually glow at times, they went from bad ass to light source. There are a few good scenes where we see the young mutants, and Professor Xavier makes an appearance sans wheelchair. I did enjoy Deadpool, who if you stay through the credits, may actually have his own movie, or spinoff, which i thoroughly approve of. Bottom line, skip it in theaters and rent it when it come out.

Well the summer is just beginning and there are several more movies out there to see, including the next Transformers movie, which I'm a little leery of, but the review will keep on coming as they do.

Note: I am not a professional critic, I am just an ordinary guy saying what I though of these films, everyone is entitled to there own opinions so please don't harp at me for speaking my mind. Thank you

A new post

WARNING: THERE BE STRANGENESS OF DREAMS AHEAD

It's been a little while since I lay updated so I figured I'd get back to this. Summer is almost here and it is quite amazing how the weather seems to make everything look happier, sounds weird I know but hey, my mind is a little weird. I went to the new terminator movie this evening, thoroughly enjoyed it, although the plot needed a little work.

I'll be staying in SLO over the summer so hopefully some of you will come down and visit me. Really anytime anyone wants to visit just come on over, of course if you're visiting from out of town you may want to call me first, I'd love to see people here, but would rather not come home to find that one of you has been waiting outside my door :-P. Anywho, point is I'll be enjoying the weather, taking some classes and working, but I always leave room for friends and I'll be making a point of cooking good food for any of you who want to visit.

I realize that this post in its entirety is going up at 3:30 in the morning, most of this post was supposed to have been typed up and published before midnight, but i hit send on the email to post before I was ready, so now I'm back finishing this up. Point is, I'm tired but can't sleep very well, haven't been able to do so for a while. I'll sleep one day for 16 hours and then spend the next few days unable to sleep more than a few hours or I'll have days when I go to sleep at 10 and wake up at noon the next day for no reason at all. Whether or not this has to do with my bipolar disorder or not I don't know, I suspect so , but I don't know. In a similar vein, most nights that I get an average amount of sleep it is interrupted by strange dreams, dreams that are muddled and confused to the waking mind, but in the state in between, they are some of the most frightening dreams I have ever experienced. Lately they've begun to recur, the same sequence of dreams, a locked room with no exits, no lighting but still filled with white light, no shadows, no furniture, I try to get out but the door has no handles, no keyhole, no visible way of opening it. The passage of time in the dream is distorted, as best I can tell I make it out of the room after an hour or so and then find myself in a long white hallway running, looking for a way out, every doorway is closed and locked, as I make a final turn I see an open door, so I sprint for it, catching a glimpse of what I'm wearing for the first time, white scrubs, no shoes, I'm a few feet from the when something dark drops in front of the door, massive and shapeless. I turn to run, slipping and scrambling away, and as I run, panicked, I hear it coming after me. I wake up as it envelops me, covered in sweat. The other dreams are variations on this one, always in a facility I can't escape, always something coming for me. I don't always get caught or even chased, but I'm never fully alone in whatever the place is. The look changes slightly, different parts of the building (I assume it's a building) are in different states of disarray and decomposition. Anyway the main thread is I'm trapped, no idea where I am, without any idea how to get out, and something is coming for me. Psychoanalysis of the dreams is boring, mostly a mix of fear of death and a feeling of being trapped in my life. It's pretty much bull, I don't know what it really means, but I do know that I've been having this series of dreams on and off over the last 8 years. Anyway that's a long meandering description of what I've been going through recently, and why I'm not asleep like a normal human being at this hour =/.

Next Post: the promised review of Star Trek, Wolverine, and Terminator

Once again, the rambling I apologize for. Late night posts tend to end up like this

Really?

Well this was supposed to have uploaded at 1 this morning, not sure why i didn't but here's my snippet from last night.

 Ok so the plan has been put on indefinite hold pending the resolution of some potential problems, so we'll see how this all pans out =/ Until then it looks like no lovin' for me. Um since it's 1am I'm going to keep it brief an post more tomorrow, which will include a review of the new star trek movie.

Until then, peace

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The Blog is alive once more! Check it out http://lhocke.blogspot.com/

Been a little while, but I'm still here

Well it's been about a week since I last posted, and things are going better, since last week a few things have happened, most good. First I've been exercising more which has been giving me more energy :) also helping me stabilize a bit. Unfortunately it also appears that I'm going to need a retainer again, boooooooo. So yeah I'm going to need to get that next week some time, probably after I do the Bay to Breakers in a week. The race is actually why I've stated exercising more, I really need to get in shape before trying this. So yeah I'm running and biking and going all out for the next week to get in shape, and then probably continuing after that to see what kind of shape i'll be in to maybe run a marathon in a year or two.

So that's the exercise/physical portion of my life, but there's on other little tidbit. I talked with some of my friends, and I've come to a decision as to what I should do about one of my dilemmas so the result of that should come soon, not sure whether I'll ask today or later this week but basically it's going to happen this week . The result will be posted later, but hopefully it won't change to much, I'm mostly planning on it not. Apologies for the vagueness of the explanation, but yeah feeling the need to be vague today. So yeah that's pretty much the new stuff, nothing fancy or two exciting going on right now. Next big post expect a review of either Star Trek or Wolverine, and potentially the result of my conversation.

Until then enjoy the day, and summer is coming :)

one more thing...

Oh and yeah i just got a call asking if I was still on my meds, yeah the things that ensure I don't go flying off the handle doing whatever the hell pops into my mind, the answer is yes, always yes, I take them, I ensure that I take them by marking it down. They make me woozy sometimes, fuck with my weight, and taste like shit sometimes, but yes I take them, because i know THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES. Really that's all I can say right now, other than that I'm very close to wishing all sorts of things upon the one who asked the question. None of them are soft and fluffy. >=(

Funny how they can ruin it so fast.

I hate to say it but I'm not just upset with my family I'm fucking pissed. I don't know why some of them think that they can just say something and it'll all be better, I'm not "going through a phase" it's not "Emotional issues" I have a fucking disease. Pure and simple. I didn't ask for this, I didn't wake up one morning and say hey, you know what would be cool? Being bipolar! I was fucking born this way, something that they should understand, but apparently that's too much to ask for...

If you're wondering what triggered this, it's fairly wimple, I came back and was relaxing today, got a call from my mom, and it all blew up within about the first 30 seconds of the call. First thing she want's to know is what i did this weekend, an innocuous question for most people, one hell of a land-mine when talking to her. Despite my having told her for weeks what I was going to be doing, she asks anyway, and when my answer is not quite detailed enough she starts to grill me about what exactly I did. I'm tired of it. All of it. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to pick up the phone and talk to my family anymore, my brother doesn't care, I have no idea what my mother is thinking, half the time it seems like she's well intentioned but misguided, and the other half it's like she's convinced that no one else knows what the fuck they're doing. I don't know why I bother anymore, I can talk to my dad when no one else is around, but that connection doesn't hold when the rest of teh family is around. I find myself once more lost and confused, spun about so that I don't know where to turn. All teh doors are unmarked, each one with the same confusing, loud, frightening noise coming from behind, with only one marked clearly with silence from behind. The one door I don't want to take, the door I don't even want to look at. Right now I really don't want to be alone, I just need to talk to someone, anyone, and try and explain this pain that no one seems to understand.