I did mean to actually do a post over the Holidays, but I got caught up in the family trip, Christmas, and then I got sick on New Year's Day, and I'm still a bit sick. So I guess down to business for this post.
I started my break pretty stressed and a little depressed, looking forward to seeing my family, but dreading the inevitable drama of family gatherings. Really things went pretty well for the first few days, and the trip to Disneyland went pretty smoothly at first, we actually made it a full 48 hours without someone yelling or fighting. That changed pretty quickly when we went to go see a taping of Jay Leno and got there a few minutes later than we should have and didn't get in. Blame started flying and I put my battle tested plan of action into effect, I got the hell out of there and wandered around for about four or five hours, wondering when things would calm down enough for me to go back into the room, and if they had even noticed when I took off. I've learned that once the fight starts I'm pretty much invisible unless they want someone to take a side. When I got back to the room things had settled into an uneasy truce, but at least no one was yelling anymore. We finished the trip, with passive-aggresive attacks from both my parents, and I spent the next couple days just trying to keep as out of the way as possible. It went well right up until Christmas dinner, when things got a little weird again.
One things you need to understand about my family and family gatherings is that my family will tease about anything, so being able to judge the tension in a room is both useful and extraordinarily painful. This year the usual insults were thrown around, mostly with people laughing about them, and although I laughed dutifully at the ones thrown at me, I felt like each one was slowly cracking the mask I've carefully worn for the last twenty years around my extended family. It's part of the reason why I did what I did, something which, while justified, I feel guilty about. My cousin brought along her boyfriend, who seemed to be an average popular teen guy, convinced that he's the shit, and offended when someone doesn't do things his way. I get tired of people like this very, very, very, quickly so I was already into the this-guy-is-a-complete-douche-but-I--can-just-ignore-him-for-the-rest-of-the-day phase. At least I was right up until the point when my cousin said something, and he hit her for it. That's right the bastard actually hit her, in front of the family, on Christmas. Everything seemed to stop while we all took in what had just happened, I don't know what other people registered in that moment, but what I saw was the look on her face. Not surprise, but resignation, like she was used to this sort of treatment. Three things happened at once in the few short seconds after he hit her. One, her father and brothers stood up and started towards him. Two, plates, cups and food were all quickly pulled out of the way as everyone realized what exactly was about to happen. Three, my fist connected with his face and knocked him to the floor. As soon as that happened it seemed like everything snapped back to a normal speed and I stood there feeling a bit dazed, unable to really believe that I had just hit him. After that I pretty much just retreated while my dad set his nose and the rest of my family calmed her brothers down.
That pretty much fucked up my day right there. Most of my family kept congratulating me on taking action, but I still felt like shit for hitting him. Usually I would have just restrained him and thrown him out. Instead I just took out my frustrations for the past couple of days on him. I feel extremely shitty about hitting him, not because he didn't deserve it, but because I've worked so hard to keep myself under control, trying to get my emotions back into balance, and now I feel like I've let myself down. I tried to make up for it by hanging out with my cousins some more over the next few days, playing cards and board games. I even read a little bit of some old poetry I've written and never really had the guts to share with anyone. I even let my cousins kidnap me and watched twilight with them, and then listened to them discuss the books. A side note on my cousins, they don't worship the characters and actors the way that most fans seem to, they actually discuss the merits of the books, and the facets of characters. I'd probably have taken off but they actually got me curious enough to read the first novel. To my great surprise, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, I actually kinda enjoyed it. I know it's weird, but there's something about the way the book is written that just seems to keep it moving. I can't really describe it much more than that. Suspension of disbelief is pretty key when reading things or watching movies, and it's something that I often find other people can't seem to do. They get hung up on the details in fiction, rather than letting the story flow and introduce its own universe. But I've gotten a bit off track.
After hanging out with my cousins (which I will swear up and down that they kidnapped me and brainwashed me if you ask me in public, I gotta at least try and keep some of my credibility right?), I was feeling a bit better, I even managed to win a fair amount of money playing poker with my family. Things were starting to go pretty well, I got to hang out with Spencer, who I've known long enough I practically consider him family, even if I don't get to see him as often as I should, which is mostly my fault for having a mind that can't seem to keep track of time beyond what is happening directly in front of me. I also got a chance to see both Avatar and Sherlock Holmes, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed, and I don't really give a shit what others think about them, especially Avatar, I might make a whole post griping about the inability of some people to just enjoy the story. Everything was actually pretty good right up until New Year's Day, when I woke up, excited for 2010, and was hit with a sharp pain in my gut, vertigo, and nausea. I spent the next four days puking and curled up trying to get the pain to go away. Turns out I had a fever of over a hundred and two, and spent part of the time delirious while my family was out doing other things. A few of my cousins did come over to help me and I'm extremely grateful to them for doing so, even if we did watch twilight a few more times and my nails were painted, but I love them and they were trying to cheer me up so I forgive them. Of course standing was a bit of a problem for me sometimes I even had this bit of conversation with the floor.
Floor: Hey, dude. Uh, you're kinda heavy can you please get up?
Me: Whafuck? How the hell did I end up on the floor?
Floor: Oh hey, you're awake now please get off me, people are gonna think it's weird.
Me: Holy shit, did you just talk?
Floor: ...
Me: ... I don't think I'm gonna be going back to SLO today...
Yeah, that was Monday morning, and I still have no idea how I ended up face down on the floor.
So that pretty much catches everyone up to where I am right now, except for the events of the last few days. I got into SLO Thursday night and went to Farmer's, which was fun right up until I started to feel nauseated again. So I spent Friday unpacking a bit and trying to completely recover, and then went out Saturday to help judge a cooking competition for a couple of friends. The food was good, and my stomach had no problems with it, but more importantly to me was that got to meet some new people. One of whom I found I could talk with very easily and had a great time with. After the competition she joined a small group of my friends in going downtown to see Avatar again, and then we went back to her friend's place to watch Star Wars. I have to say, I was amazed at how much that just brightened my day. I felt awesome after meeting her, and I'd love to be friends with her, only I don't want to seem creepy and just knock on her door, so I'm kinda doing the little insecure head dance, but that's not really new. I went to bed last night feeling great, and slept without having a nightmare for the first time in months. Today was pretty good, I hung out with friends, and enjoyed having all my work done, right up until just a few hours ago when I suddenly felt my mood take a downward swing. I'm now filled with self-doubt. I just feel like I'm looking for a way out of a dark room where the walls keep retreating. Every now and then I'll meet someone who will provide me with a spot of illumination which will allow me to navigate sections without stumbling over the metaphorical furniture, but there are still gaps, huge areas of darkness that it seems like nothing can penetrate.
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