Who the hell is that?

Hey everyone, been a while I know, but life's been kinda interesting. Long story short I've been auditioning for things, had a run of Cabaret that I crewed, and I've been writing. Oh and I got a girlfriend :). But that's not what tonights post is about, rather I'd like to talk about the past a bit.

I've mentioned before to people, usually jokingly, that I don't really remember a lot of things I've done, people I've met, or places I've been. Mostly people laugh. Sorry to say, it's true, I really don't remember chunks of high school, and sometimes I don't remember old friends. The thing is, I never realized just how much I don't remember until I started importing photos from an old hard drive I found. I found photos from three years ago that I don't even remember taking or being in. I don't mean "Oh hey I'd totally forgotten about that" I mean I don't revall being present at the time, even though the evidence is right there. It's terrifying.

What does it say about a person when you're so out of your own life that you can't remember doing things with your friends? When you can recall details from a book you read seven years ago but can't call to mind the face of a friend you've known for 15 years? Am I losing my memory or am I just utterly incapable of maintaining connections with the people and places of my past?

Honestly, I don't know which scares me more

A beginning

Okay, it’s been a while since I’ve posted and I’ve got a few things on my mind but this post is about writing, why I began writing and why I’ve decided that I want to do this for the rest of my life.

I’ve been writing since I could read, mostly just nonsense stories, things from the imagination of a child. i wasn’t serious about it until about five years ago when I slid into a deep depression and was struggling to find my way out. I was told to try a myriad of different therapies, but the one that really stuck with me was keeping a journal and writing. I let everything I thought flow onto the page until I was drained. Most of what I wrote during that time is dark and confused, some of it I don’t even remember writing, but it started me on my current path.

I continued writing for therapeutic reasons until two years ago when I decided to finally venture in the catacombs of my memory and confront the demons of my past. Most of my writing is very close to my heart and some is very difficult for me to put down, one story in particular tears me up inside every time I work on it. I believe that writing is supposed to reveal a truth, and a good story should make the reader feel something. Surprisingly some of the people I’ve discussed this with disagree.

I’ve been told that my writing is depressing, that my stories need happy endings, and that people feel uncomfortable reading some of my poems. My response is always “Good.” My writing comes from my heart and is meant to provoke. I’m not writing some coffee table book for hipsters to buy and never open just so they can say they have it.

Anyway that’s kind of vague, but since I started writing seriously I’ve experienced moments of near tranquility that I never knew before. These moments of peace inspired me to look into actually studying and improving my craft and the more I work on and share my work with peers, the more I realize that I don’t just want to do this, I need to do it. So it’s actually a fairly simple story, with just one last little tag since I’ve been asked why I prefer fiction to non-fiction. I write stories that are based on life, it’s fiction only because I see the world differently from most people. Too me everything is a story waiting to be told and who wants a bland story?

Until Next Time, just two full days guys, just 2!

Tea Party

OKay, I know that all of you have differing opinions about politics and our society but I'd like to take a minute to talk about what happened today in Delaware. Early this evening Christine O'Donnell, a conservative candidate backed by the Tea Party with very little experience, won the Republican primary. This woman has some rather, um, interesting views on what we should and should not do in our personal lives. I'll let you see for yourself




Yeah, she's against masturbation. Not sure how she'd plan to try and enforce any kind of policy about that, but I'm scared to find out

In all fairness she may have changed her views, but this is indicative of a bigger problem. The "Tea Party" began as a push to shove a bunch of vocal, bitter, people into the spotlight to attack the "Liberals", an interesting strategy. Since then it has become a monster made up of radical fringe groups that should have never received any mainstream attention. People are voting emotionally right now, and in their fear they are turning to a group of people who would never be considered during stable times. I don't have much to say really other than, these people terrify me. I'm pretty much the exact opposite of what they think an American is, despite having a family history on this continent that extends before the founding of the colonies, and I'm scared shitless that we may wake up one morning to find that the anti-government people elected out of fear and hatred have destroyed the way of life we know and love.

What 9/11 Should Mean to America

*I came across this on Facebook today, take a moment to read it and think*


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By Rabbi Sanford Akselrad

Every year I, like rabbis throughout the world, sit down to write our High Holiday sermons. Coming up with topics, themes and messages that reflect our passion and the tenor of our times is our greatest challenge. Usually, I stay away from topical events because they fade away and are overcome by the next news story.

But this year I decided to speak on a subject that is not only topical, but one which I think will define our nation. I refer to the controversy over the proposed so-called mosque planned to be built two blocks away from ground zero.

There are reasonable opinions on both sides of the debate as to whether this Islamic center should be built there. Some people argue that building a mosque near ground zero is an affront to the memory of those who died — that it would be a symbol of Islamic triumphalism.

Others argue that they have every legal right to build a house of worship there. And that freedom of religion is what our loved ones died for.

These questions are important. But perhaps even more important than the answers is the tenor in which these questions are being asked. Ugly demonstrations against Islam, acts of violence and even the threat of burning the Quran by a “man of cloth.”

Everywhere we turn, people are talking about this issue. And what comes out are not words of tolerance. Rather, they are words of fear, hatred and bigotry. When are we going to stand up and say “enough”?

Nine years ago, a short while after Sept. 11, I organized an interfaith gathering at the Clark County Amphitheater. I had people of many different faiths. And I had representatives from the Muslim community whom I had known for many years.

We had hundreds of people who gathered to add their voices of support. I remember the pain that we all felt about what had happened to our country. And I remember the fear and concern that emanated from the Muslim community about how they would be received by their non-Muslim neighbors.

Our goal was to stand as a community in solidarity with one another. We sought to identify the perpetrators of these vile acts as representatives of radical Islam and not Islam itself. To some this nuance is naive. To others, impossible. And to others still, the right thing to do. They did not feel it proper or American to brand 1 billion people with the same paint brush of radicalism.

Since that time, many years have gone by. Two wars have been launched. Many have died. And, yes, the fighting still continues. Homeland security has been totally reshaped and redefined. Our sense of safety isn’t the same. Whereas before we counted history from Pearl Harbor, we now count history from what has become known as 9/11.

Next year will mark the 10th anniversary of 9/11. And undoubtably there will be countless documentaries, programs, observances and articles written about what 9/11 means to our country.

But I question whether we actually know what it means. I think we as a nation are still in the process of deciding what it means. In fact I think that the controversy about the mosque near ground zero is a reflection of that process.

This past summer my wife and I went to what is the interim memorial for 9/11 next to ground zero. We walked through quietly. Looking at the remnants of what were human lives. Photos of the horror. Artifacts that were found. Recordings of the last words of those who died as they spoke to their loved ones. I was moved to tears in much the same way as when I have visited Holocaust memorials. The sadness is palpable.

If this is not holy ground, I don’t know what is.

But just as it took us time to define what the Holocaust meant to us as a Jewish community, so too do I think that it will take time, perhaps many more years, for us as a nation to fully understand the meaning of 9/11.

I remember initially when it happened, I like many rabbis gave a sermon which declared, “After 9/11 we are all Israelis.” It was an observation that our nation would no longer be able to live with the naive belief that we were safe from harm on our native soil. Like Israel, we had felt the brunt of the terrorists’ might and determination. And we knew that our world would never be the same.

But Israel has gone through challenges with terrorism a lot longer than we have. We are new to this scourge. In this struggle, there is one challenge that I think overrides all other challenges:

How does a nation retain its democratic character and its moral principles when fighting terrorists? How can we remain true to our values and our sense of morality when we are fighting people who know allegiance to no particular country, follow no rules of engagement, and commit atrocities no civilized nation on earth would think of doing?

Remaining morally centered has been an ongoing struggle for the Israeli people. Sometimes, in their zeal to fight terrorists, they go too far. Sometimes, in their desire to uphold the moral high ground, they put their people at risk. It is never easy, but it is always, always part of the equation politically, militarily and morally. As Americans, we are just beginning to go through that process. Perhaps the most we can do right now is say what 9/11 does not mean:

• 9/11 does not mean that we should let our fears and passions rule us.

• 9/11 does not mean that politicians have the right to prey upon our fears for political gain.

• 9/11 does not mean that clergy have the right to prey upon our fears to denigrate the religion of Islam in order to bolster their own faith.

• 9/11 does not mean that televised “talking heads” have the right to convince us that we are morally weak and, unless we defend ourselves “right now,” the terrorists are going to destroy us.

We live in difficult, uncertain times. The economy has impacted millions of people. Millions have lost their homes. Many millions still look for work. Their worlds are turned up side down. Our nation remains at war. And terrorism is still a very real threat to our way of life.

Such uncertainty may bring out the best in people, but all too often it brings out the worst. People look for someone to blame. They look for easy answers to complex problems.

As Jews, we have known more than our share of prejudice and periods of persecution. Having felt hatred’s pain, we have a special obligation to speak up for what is right.

If we remain silent, we will be guilty of helping to create a society that is intolerant. If we remain silent, we embolden those who feel it is their right to impose their values on us by force and intimidation. If we remain silent, we abandon our moral imperative to bring about Tikun Olam — wholeness to a broken world.

I think some Jewish organizations understand this. The Anti-Defamation League, for example, has tried to walk a thin line between being sensitive to the victims of 9/11 and maintaining its mission to fight prejudice of all kinds. Its national director, Abe Foxman, has been relentless in his condemnation of recent attacks against Islam:

“The tragedy of Sept. 11 should never be exploited, and we should not let bigots defile the memory of the victims of 9/11 with offensive rhetoric and hate speech. That stands against everything this country and our long tradition of religious freedom represents.”

Such statements of tolerance and mutual respect are important. But their effectiveness ultimately will be judged by how each of us acts toward each other in our own individual communities.

We cannot remain silent, nor turn our heads away in fear. We must not only support leaders of great courage, but we must personally do what we can to stand together with people of all faiths to uphold the values and ideals that bring strength and character to our society.

As we move closer to the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I am certain that we will all give much thought as to what that day means to us. Amongst the many meanings, I think it will come to be a day in which we remember that for one sad, solitary moment, we as a nation — regardless of religion, color or creed — came together and stood as one.

From that rare moment, I hope the strength of our country’s moral character will be permanently forged. A strength that will guide us through the coming years with our core values alive and intact. So that we will be, and will always be, a nation ruled not by fear, but by the power of our convictions. A nation which holds all of its citizens with equal regard. A nation which stands tall among all nations as a beacon of hope and humanity. In the words of the prophet Amos, “Let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.”

Another update

I’ve taken to blogging about once a week in order to keep a regular schedule, but tonight I feel the need to write more.

This past week was pretty difficult for me, general quandaries and all, and as stupid as it sounds my audition was a big part of it. I’m still dealing with all the emotional crap in my life, but I’ve got friends who are helping me out and I’m extremely grateful to them, I really don’t think I can ever express just how much I appreciate their help.

It really hit hard when I brought a friend over for the first time in years. I don’t mean someone I’ve known for awhile, I mean someone coming over for the first time. I never really noticed the silence of my house, I try to fill it with music and movies, but while we were watching TV after dinner she looks around whispers, “Is it always this awkward?” I looked up and for the first time I noticed my parents sitting in separate rooms, my brother on his computer, the house in silence aside from the TV. It was nothing new, but I never realized how odd it actually was until that moment. The silence was thick and heavy, everyone in my family is a stranger to me.

I know she didn’t mean to point it out, to make things more awkward for me, but it gave me a lot to think about. In many ways I’ve spent my entire life alone, living with people who I’m connected to only by blood. I feel like I have heard so many stories, that I don’t know what is true anymore. I don’t know what I’m saying really, I just feel like I’m all alone in this big house. There are people here, but we just pass by like strangers in the hall.

I just want to be needed, to be held and wanted. I want to feel that connection that I haven’t felt in so long.

Sushi (or Week 3)

I think it's safe to say that everyone reading this knows the situation that I've been in the past few weeks. Thus far I've held up pretty well, preexisting quirks aside. I'm going through day by day, doing my best to keep it together. I'm also not drinking, as much as I might want to at times, it would be easier to lose myself partying right now and I don't want to go down that road if I can avoid it.

Tonight three things happened which have sent me on a little bit of a downward slide. First, my mom started moving out, taking the stuff from my apartment that's in boxes with her. She also asked me to help her get her utilities turned on at her new place. Second, my dad stopped wearing his ring today, first time I've ever seen him without it. The finality of it all hit me when we went out for dinner. We went to a local sushi restaurant, something I usually enjoy but tonight it's just one less meal that we'll have together. Sushi was always something we did to celebrate, a symbol of happy times. Now it's just a bitter reminder of the fact that the pieces of my childhood I liked are becoming tainted by current events.

Everyday I wake up and feel like I'm still asleep. I stumble through my routine and go to school, slipping into the persona that began as a protective shield and is now more like a constant companion whispering in my ear. I want to open up, to share myself with other people, but instead I laugh and joke. I deflect questions and serious discussion with jokes. I throw obstacles in the way of people I'm trying to get to know. It's not a new problem, but i sabotage my relationships because I don't feel worthy enough to be in one. I'm angry at my parents for dropping this on me, and angry at myself for all the times in the past I wished they would.

I just can't take this shit, I want to throw myself into something, I want to work and release my frustration. But I seriously blew it at my audition, I froze. I know it sounds stupid but I needed this. I needed this audition to go well so I wouldn't be alone with myself. I'm the cliché, the artist who's afraid to be alone with his own thoughts. I don't feel worthy of any of my talents, I don't feel worthy of praise given, I just feel inadequate. I apologize constantly, I seek the approval of others while trying to stay true to myself, whoever that is anymore. I've begun to discover myself again and I'm afraid that I'll slide back into my old pattern of simply hiding myself inside a stronger persona to keep from being hurt.

I want to stand in the light and feel the warmth on my face but the dark beckons with her siren call.

Two weeks in

By now those of you who read my blog already know what’s been going on, and those of you who don’t well you aren’t reading this any way so who cares. Sorry, that’s a bit rude but I’m in kind of a crappy mood tonight.

It’s been almost two weeks wince my parents told me they’re getting a divorce, and thus far I’ve handled it fairly well around them. I’m not drinking, I’m not being reckless, I’m going to and participating in my classes, and I’m getting ready to audition in a few days. By looking at the way I’ve been getting through I guess you’d say I look like I’m taking it well. Inside I feel like shit. I want to just go out and do something stupid, who cares right?

I’m glad to have friends who care and have sent me emails and comments, giving me advice and supporting me through this, but I feel like I’m just drifting. I’ve moved away from a lot of my friends, I suck at trying to reconnect with old friends, and I feel like any new friends I make I’l be leaving them in a year so how can you really get close in that short a time?

I’m a man lost at sea, searching for the harbor. My ship is sturdy and reinforced with the love and support of my friends, but I’m still tossed about inside it.

I’ve been tweeting through the week about how I feel, and I’ve ben throwing some things up on facebook, although I’m more open about my tweets since less people read them apparently, but who knows.

Anyway, earlier I tweeted:

so here's a problem I'm supposed to write a love poem for my poetry class and I can't get past the first line w/o my life getting in the way

I’m having a huge issue with keeping my real life separate from my creative life right now, something which is normally okay but i’m in a class now where we share our works. I don’t know how comfortable I am with sharing all this with people I don’t know. And yes the irony of posting this on the web does not escape me. I’m just having a hard time dealing with my issues on my own, and to have the outlet I desperately need, critiqued by a group of people who don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want to explain every time I read my work, and I don’t like that the fear of criticism is affecting my work. I want to go back to writing and creating on my own terms, writing for me and damn the opinions of everyone else.

I’m especially shaken by the assignment to write a poem about love. To me it’s a foreign emotion, while at the same time it’s incredibly familiar.

I can say I love animals, I love dogs, I love nature, I love the theatre, I love my friends, but what about romantic love? How do you know you’re in love? How do you appropriately capture that feeling in words and set them on a page?

Right now I can say I’m attracted to someone, that I think she’s a great friend, that I would like to see if we could be more. I’ve told her so but it seems like I’m always chasing the ones who “aren’t ready” or just aren’t interested. It’s weird that these things just don’t add up for me, or I guess it’s more of my timing just kinda sucks. Or that I’m overanalyzing things and I actually do have a chance but I’m the idiot who just can’t see it.

The poem just makes things harder and more confusing, I want to write it generic, but then it feels weak and cliche, so I aim for slightly personal and end up with overly personal. I don’t write poetry or stories with specific people in mind for the most part, because it makes things awkward when feelings aren’t the same. I ended up writing a short story and using a character’s voice to craft a poem. A cheap cop out that’s actually pretty transparent.

I’m also having an issue with my poetry coming out angry. I want something emotional and powerful but it seems like all the happiness I have right now exists only in the moment and right on the surface. I open up my mental box of emotions and my frustration just flows out.

I know I’ve written some lengthy blog posts lately and I feel like there will probably be a few more in the near future. I really want to write about something happy and tell you all that everything’s alright but I honestly don’t know if it will. I look ahead and I know that things will balance eventually but I just feel like every time I start to climb out of my hole another mountain of shit gets dumped on me.

I want to be selfish, to say “fuck the world”, go out and just pick up anyone, lose myself in shallow desires and forget who I am. I can’t do that. I’m too firmly attached to my beliefs, flexible as they may be, and who I’ve come to define myself as. I can be an ass, but I’m not a asshole. I can be mean, but I’m not a bully. I may ignore people, but I’m not a jerk. I’m not prefect, but I just can’t go against my own solidly fluid morals. I cannot hurt others, or rather I will not if I can possibly avoid it. I’m the friend, the supporting character in everyone’s life. I want to be the leading man, the guy who gets the girl, the underdog who comes out on top. Instead I’m the best friend of the underdog, the guy who no one remembers when the movie’s over.

Until next time, well that’s the question isn’t it.

One Week Later

Exactly one week ago my parents called my brother and myself down to the living room for a chat. Now before I go on, you should understand some things about my family. First, we don’t talk that often unless there’s a problem. Second, we never all get together in one room to talk about something unless it’s a huge deal. Third, well I guess you really only need to know the first two to get a sense of the apprehension I felt while descending onto the main floor and sitting on the uncomfortable, yet fashionable, couch. Come to think of it, uncomfortable yet fashionable seems to sum up my home life pretty well.

Anyway, to get back to the story, my brother and I took our places, wondering what was wrong, what we may have done, who might have died. Instead we looked across as our mom said “Your Father and I have been talking and...” “you’re getting a divorce” I interjected. I was right. There was a lot of “it’s not about you kids” “We weren’t keeping it a secret, we just didn’t want to bother you.” Really my first reaction upon hearing that they didn’t want to trouble us was an emphatic “Bullshit.” I start school tomorrow, 9 days after they told me they were getting a divorce. I also get to continue working on an audition piece that I have no idea how long it should be.

Right now I’m completely up in the air, so out of it that I don’t know what day it is, or what time it is. I’m a functioning zombie. I went to work all last week, I went to see friends. I got my books, went and got new clothes, but I’m completely on autopilot. If someone were to tell me I was about to die I’d probably just say “Oh, that’s nice” and keep on going. I keep feeling like I’m stuck in a weird dream. It’s not a bad dream, and it’s not a good dream, it’s just like a dream that I can’t wake from.

In my current distracted state I took a leap of faith, which really was more of a leap of numb dissociation and told her how I felt, asked her about taking things to the next level. I wasn’t shot down, but it didn’t go as well as I had hoped it would. So now I sit here, in the middle of a family that was over years ago but is just now starting to break away, no real relationship experience to tell me how to proceed with her. I feel a bit like Dr. Horrible when I keep righting her. Only it’s not a vlog, and I’m not singing, and I’m not a super-villian, and I’m nowhere near as cool as NPH. So now that we have that settled I guess I’ll get back to the point.

I’m lost. I don’t know how to interact with my parents. I keep hearing more than I really care to know about each side and their plans. My kitchen stuff, still boxed up from my apartment, is going with my mom to her new place along with some of my lamps, a few of my office supplies, and some other crap that I don’t seem to have a say about. I’m almost 21 fucking years old and I feel like a kid with no say in what goes on.

I have a few useful though frustrating abilities in my mental arsenal which I’m bringing into full play now. First is my ability to dissociate from everything and just drift numbly observing everything to write down later as a piece of fiction. I know that I probably shouldn’t pour as much of myself into my work as I do, but I don’t know any other way, my writing is mainly for me anyway and if other people like it, good for them. Second, I can block out a lot of my memories, a kind of selective amnesia. I forget anything painful that I don’t want to remember, it resurfaces eventually, but I can shove it way back in a box and compartmentalize. The third is not so much a mental trick as it is an acting trick, I pull on whatever mask I need to make people think I’m okay. I go about my day unable to open up because of my instinctual reaction to protect myself from the world. I’ve talked about it before, but I feel like I need to project the strongest image of myself that I can and try to become that person. I present a version of myself that people like, because I feel like most people would hate or at least be very uncomfortable with the person I am.

Everyone who I’ve actually told about my struggles with being bipolar have seen who I am, and know some of what I’ve been through. Those of you who read this and that I went to high school with, I’m sorry. I never fully presented who I was then, and I’ve also changed a lot from who I was. I’m still a good listener, I can still keep your secrets, but I’m not the guy who is content to help others anymore. I thought I could, there was a time when I would lay down my life to protect my friends, but now I don’t know if I could. I love my friends, I really do, but I’m much less logical than I used to be. I guess part of it is I’ve learned to compartmentalize so well that I basically use three aspects of my personality now. The writer, the lover, and the friend. I am a combination of all three, but all three have a say in what i do. To clarify a bit, and I know it makes me sound like a bit of an ass, I don’t really do relationships anymore. I want to have fun, to connect and be involved but with the understanding that it will lead where it leads, and if it becomes serious great if not, at least we had fun and can still be friends. As a writer everything I see can make a story, everything has something that needs to be expressed. Parts of my life find their way into my stories and poems, oftentimes I have to shelve my work because it’s too painful, or a story is too much like a real event with real people.

I’m incredibly grateful that my friends have been there to help me through this and, as weird as it may sound, I’m grateful that I can share it with you all at once. I’m still confused and I want to talk to all of you, but the fact that I only have to really put this out there once, without all the heartache and pain of retelling the story, makes it easier to be honest about it all.

It’s late now and I have to take my car into the shop in the morning before class, but I’ll write more later. My cell phone is always on and you can also reach me on facebook, twitter or at lhocke89@gmail.com. Really I do hope to hear from all of you.

Until Next Time, I might look okay in public, but if you see me when I think no one’s looking you’ll see it.

Because some of your don't know w00tstock

Eternal Arr from Dan Coulter on Vimeo.

Oh the times they are a changing

        I’ve known for a while that Star Tours at Disneyland was closing but I learned today that the flights to Endor are at an end. Tonight or tomorrow the ride will close down so that a new version can be installed, with the destination of Tattooine and a podrace. Yes, a fucking podrace.

        I remember my first time riding Star Tours, it was my first “Big Kid” ride, and it was amazing. I loved the immersive experience, the line which wound its way through the terminal, complete with characters from the movies and enough realism to blow my mind. Over the years I figured out the best seats, the ones that allowed you to really feel the acceleration. I memorized the dialogue, pointed out George Lucas to friends who had never ridden the ride before. Star Tours was a unique experience, where the ride began the moment you stepped into line, without using cheap cheesy gimmicks to distract you from the wait.

        I loved Star Tours and I’m sorry that when I was in Disney two months ago I didn’t take the chance to ride it, something I’ll regret for some time. Just one more missed opportunity that, strange as it sounds, reminds me to take more chances, bigger risks, because tomorrow it could be gone

The Creative Project is on hold for now

Okay all, thanks for your fantastic suggestions, but I regret to say that I won’t be able to get to any of them right now since I only get about 2.5 hours a day to do non work, school, or commute related items, so I’ll be putting the project on hold until I can either reduce my work hours or after classes end, Sorry everyone.

Until next time, hang loose and enjoy the summer

P.S. I’m still feeling like MacJournal is one of the most awesome blog tools ever, I’ll try and upload some audio stuff later this week, or maybe so photos from my ashland trip in a couple weeks.

A summer project

I’m spending this summer in Oakland taking some classes and working and I need something to ensure I don’t go mad, with that in mind I’ve decided to take up a creative writing project. Send me a short idea and I will write a short story or poem about it, or send me a photo to write about. I’m experimenting with getting more writing done and I think that this is a fun way to get people involved and stay connected.

Here’s what you need to do, first think of a word, theme, picture, or sentence that you want a story about. Second, email your idea to lhocke89@gmail.com with the subject line of creative project (you can also leave a comment on this post if you wish). Third, sit back and relax while I work over it. Hopefully I’ll be able to spend less than two weeks on each piece, with a few overlapping. If this works out I’ll keep it going as a regular thing so submit your ideas before the end of June for this first batch and we’ll go from there!

Until Next Time, It’s fucking summertime, holy shit let’s relax :)

P.S. I’d just like to mention how awesome it is that I can compose this blog post when I have internet and then upload it when I get home. Every time I use it I just love MacJournal a little more.

P.P.S I meant to upload this on Monday, but life got a bit crazy

Packing's a bitch

I’m taking a short break from packing up my stuff for the drive back to Oakland, and let me tell you it’s a bitch and a half. I’m packing up clothes, electronics, files, and papers for this trip and next time I get to do dishes, utensils, and all that random crap I have sitting around here for some reason. I have no idea how I’m going to fit all this shit into my car, but I’ll figure it out I guess. I also still need to get a bike rack and a few more boxes, so anyone who feels inclined to help me out, I’d love it :)

I’ll write some more later about just why I’m heading back so early, until then enjoy the day!

EDIT: I just found out that I can edit my blog entries from MacJournal!!!! Holy fucking shit that’s just awesome

It comes in waves

        I’ve been thinking a lot lately about pretty much anything and everything, which is not a particularly good sign. I’ve always got my mind open and pondering new ideas and old questions, but lately it’s like trying to describe every passengers of seven different trains as they barrel past in different directions, or maybe planes is a better example. Anyway the point is I can’t shut it off, everything I see sends my mind into an overwhelming state of turmoil. I know I joke in public about my mental state and all the crap that comes with it but the truth is I hate this disease, I hate that I feel like I’m losing control and that I’m tumbling further and further down the metaphorical rabbit hole. Which is actually a pretty apt description as one of the theories about Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass is that it’s about the slide into mental chaos.

        Tonight it’s especially bad, I find myself sitting alone and wondering just how much worse things can get, what kind of crap can the universe throw at me next. I’ve described it like standing on unstable ground at the edge of a dark pit that you can never quite scramble away from. Each time I come back from the edge I just start sliding back towards it. Worse than depression and struggle is the frustration of finding balance only to lose it again when my body builds up a tolerance to the meds I’m on.

        I want out, I just want this shit to be over, I want it to be done with. I don’t know why I even try anymore. Truly I can’t think straight now, and I need to get away somewhere that I won’t be alone. I want to reach out for help but I just don’t know where to go. Going to a friend with this burden is a huge favor, something that you can’t ask lightly. I want to trust my friends, I truly do, but I’m scared of what might happen.

        I don’t know what set it off this time, earlier today I had so much energy I couldn’t focus on anything, now I just want to break down sobbing over anything and everything.

        I don’t know what else to say, I feel like crap and I want to reach out but this is the only way I can even begin to try. I want to believe that things will get better, and I know that you can’t run from your problems forever, but I feel like maybe if I run fast enough and far enough I just might by myself some time. It’s a stupid idea.

        I guess the point of this is I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, I just want some direction. I want things to make sense again, I want some reason for my pain. Hell, I’d be willing to take it all if it meant that others didn’t have to suffer.

        I’m tired and just want to lie down and let it all wash over me, let the calm waters gently wash away my troubles, but I stand in a troubled sea and the nearest land is just out of reach.

Musings on Facebook

I’ve blogged and tweeted about this issue quite a bit lately but I think that I need to take the time to fully flesh out my thoughts. Like all social networking networking sites Facebook has its Pros and Cons, and for a while the Pros far outweighed the Cons for me. I’ve had a Facebook account since they were first opened up to High School students and I immediately got down to the business of finding friends, posting on that fabulous wall, and sharing photos with friends who’d moved away. Everything was about sharing with friends, it was like hanging out with your friends when they couldn’t be there with you. Now Facebook is flooded with apps and ads, fan pages which exist only to spread viruses or steal personal information. It’s becoming almost impossible to keep track of the amount of personal information that Facebook shares with almost anyone who asks. I posted an article earlier showing a tree of the privacy options on Facebook, and showing the evolution of the Privacy Agreement. The most recent agreement is now longer than the American Constitution. Yep, that’s right, Facebook’s privacy policy is now longer than one of the most important documents in American history. It astounds me that I can type my name into Google and come back with 100s of hits, when just two years ago I could find maybe 12 that were directly linked to me. The worst part about all this is the complete apathy from many people I talk to about this. It seems like we’ve become a generation of people completely oblivious to the consequences of our online actions. Photos of parties are posted and willingly tagged, often with comments like “Dude I was so wasted that night, you remember I hooked up with that chick”, or “OMG that night was amzing can’t wait til next week!!” I’ll admit to my share of partying, I enjoy hanging out with friends and embracing the freedom of college life, but just try and find a publicly accessible photo of me partying. I avoid cameras and camera phones as much as possible because of a justifiable paranoia of my actions being spread across the internet. With devices that can easily and discretely record events and then upload them directly, I don’t see any reason not to be concerned about someone seeing me int a potentially compromising situation. I know it’s incredibly cheesy and cliché but once it’s on the internet, there’s no getting it back. It seems like our entire generation has missed that lesson, we post our deepest and darkest secrets on sites with the assumption that they will be kept private, only to be seen by those we choose to share them with. Some of us, like myself, choose to willingly share our feelings and situations with anyone who cares to read them, but we control the flow of information about these events. I realize that I seem to be a bit of a hypocrite considering I have several public blogs and a public Twitter account, but I keep my Facebook page pretty private. The reason I’m upset and concerned about Facebook’s policies is either people don’t know or don’t care that all the information they are sharing on a supposedly secure sight, is easily accessible to anyone with an internet connection. There’s a growing movement of people threatening to cancel their Facebook accounts and I must say that I’m considering it. I’m not completely convinced that I should do so, for one thing I can keep up with my family anywhere easily, and I can easily send out event invites. Then again, I’m tired of receiving friend requests from people I’ve never met, or people who know I don’t wish to speak to them and add me just to increase their friend count. What it comes down to is the question of where Facebook goes from here. Does it continue to become more and more public until every bit of privacy dissapears? Or does it return to being a semi-private forum in which friends can openly share with each other without fear of reprisal. Of the two I found the former infinitely more likely, and perhaps we’ll soon see the rise of another social networking site which will be loved by a few at first, gain popularity and then fail as it attempts to cater to the masses. Anyway that’s just my two cents on the matter and I always welcome differing opinions, so feel free to comment.

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A night of fun

My idea of a fun night has changed significantly in the last year, from a night out with a group laughing and reveling, to a simple chance to just get away from my work and walk with a friend.  Tonight I ditched my homework and decided to see what was happening at Emily's (which shall henceforth be referred to as The House, as I don't want to have to type out everyone's name who lives there).  Anyway, I went out to The House since I hadn't seen any of them in a while and arrived to find Ariel hanging out with Emily and her boyfriend.  I said hi to Tim and Igor and then settled in to watch some TV.  Emily and her boyfriend took off after a little bit, and I was left with Ariel.  We watched a bit more TV and then decided to head downtown and get some food.  We walked around for a while and ended up at Bel Frites, first time I've ever in been there actually.  We ended up talking for a couple hours as we walked and ate, and it was nice to actually get out and just relax with someone for a while.  Usually my nights and weekends are filled with work and stress and I forget how good it feels to just hang with people.
Really it's my fault, I take on so many projects and spend so much time in my apartment that it's hard for others to know my schedule and what's going on.  I'm going to try harder to actually get out, and to actually see people.  So if I show up randomly or start sending out a ton of messages, which I'm apt to do in the near future, just let me know if you want to join in.  And now that spring has begun I think I'll be doing some picnics and hiking, so be aware that I'll be sending some notices about those out soon.
Until next time, thanks to my friends for being there with me and helping me through the pile of shit I seem to be constantly wading through

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The Lake Visit!

I’m up at the lake right now for lake visit 2.5 and imagine my surprise when I found out that we have internets! We’ve gotten most of the things we needed to do done today, and tomorrow we get to test the trackers and digipeaters. I thought I might have more to say, but suddenly I can’t think of what I wanted to say. Oh well I’ll write more tomorrow or monday after I get back.

Until Next Time, I really want to learn how to play the violin so I think this summer I’ll take some lessons

Fuck Yeah Wil Wheaton

Okay so maybe I’m the only one who loves keynotes enough to give this a Fuck Yeah title but still

Twitterfeed and Blogspot

Let’s be honest here, I used to love Twitterfeed. It was simple to use, and did everything behind the scenes, all I had to do was write an entry and leave it alone, but then it got all wonky and started to crash so I abandoned Blogspot in search of a site that would allow me to post to facebook and twitter automatically, that’s when I found TypePad. TypePad was like an oasis in the desert of blogs, it had everything I needed to post to everyone at once. But after a time I became weary of the lack of customization options offered to basic users and, unwilling to pay for my blogs, I decided to go in search of something new once more, I landed on WordPress, which is fantastic for provacy and keeping track of everything, but again has no free customization options. So now I’m updating across three different blogs, all with mostly the same content, in the hopes that I’ll be able to pull together some kind of unity in them all.

Until next time, I hope twitterfeed is working again, and I want to figure out how to sign these things automatically

Posting from MacJournal

In the last Macheist bundle I bought there were some pretty nice apps, my favorites being RapidWeaver, Tracks, Coverflow, and Tweetie, but now I’ve started opening up the others and seeing just what I can do with them, imagine my delight when I began to use MacJournal and found that I can write a single entry on my desktop and then just move it from blog to blog, it’s fantastic! That’s really all for now, but there’ll be more to come, especially now that I can write entries offline and then post them whenever, so rock on people.

A new blog site

Hey everyone, I'm moving my blog over to TypePad for a bit, since twitterfeed seems to have stopped working and TypePad has an integrated aggregator, so that's where my business is headed. if you want to keep following me just head over to lhocke.typepad.com updates will continue to be posted on twitter and facebook

what a whirlwind

Hey everyone, life's been pretty crazy recently and I'm going to have to change how I post. When I started blogging again I was trying to update at least once a week. As you can all see I've fallen far short of that mark, so now I'm just going to post occasionally. Of course the updates will still be posted on twitter and facebook.

I did mean to actually do a post over the Holidays, but I got caught up in the family trip, Christmas, and then I got sick on New Year's Day, and I'm still a bit sick. So I guess down to business for this post.

I started my break pretty stressed and a little depressed, looking forward to seeing my family, but dreading the inevitable drama of family gatherings. Really things went pretty well for the first few days, and the trip to Disneyland went pretty smoothly at first, we actually made it a full 48 hours without someone yelling or fighting. That changed pretty quickly when we went to go see a taping of Jay Leno and got there a few minutes later than we should have and didn't get in. Blame started flying and I put my battle tested plan of action into effect, I got the hell out of there and wandered around for about four or five hours, wondering when things would calm down enough for me to go back into the room, and if they had even noticed when I took off. I've learned that once the fight starts I'm pretty much invisible unless they want someone to take a side. When I got back to the room things had settled into an uneasy truce, but at least no one was yelling anymore. We finished the trip, with passive-aggresive attacks from both my parents, and I spent the next couple days just trying to keep as out of the way as possible. It went well right up until Christmas dinner, when things got a little weird again.

One things you need to understand about my family and family gatherings is that my family will tease about anything, so being able to judge the tension in a room is both useful and extraordinarily painful. This year the usual insults were thrown around, mostly with people laughing about them, and although I laughed dutifully at the ones thrown at me, I felt like each one was slowly cracking the mask I've carefully worn for the last twenty years around my extended family. It's part of the reason why I did what I did, something which, while justified, I feel guilty about. My cousin brought along her boyfriend, who seemed to be an average popular teen guy, convinced that he's the shit, and offended when someone doesn't do things his way. I get tired of people like this very, very, very, quickly so I was already into the this-guy-is-a-complete-douche-but-I--can-just-ignore-him-for-the-rest-of-the-day phase. At least I was right up until the point when my cousin said something, and he hit her for it. That's right the bastard actually hit her, in front of the family, on Christmas. Everything seemed to stop while we all took in what had just happened, I don't know what other people registered in that moment, but what I saw was the look on her face. Not surprise, but resignation, like she was used to this sort of treatment. Three things happened at once in the few short seconds after he hit her. One, her father and brothers stood up and started towards him. Two, plates, cups and food were all quickly pulled out of the way as everyone realized what exactly was about to happen. Three, my fist connected with his face and knocked him to the floor. As soon as that happened it seemed like everything snapped back to a normal speed and I stood there feeling a bit dazed, unable to really believe that I had just hit him. After that I pretty much just retreated while my dad set his nose and the rest of my family calmed her brothers down.

That pretty much fucked up my day right there. Most of my family kept congratulating me on taking action, but I still felt like shit for hitting him. Usually I would have just restrained him and thrown him out. Instead I just took out my frustrations for the past couple of days on him. I feel extremely shitty about hitting him, not because he didn't deserve it, but because I've worked so hard to keep myself under control, trying to get my emotions back into balance, and now I feel like I've let myself down. I tried to make up for it by hanging out with my cousins some more over the next few days, playing cards and board games. I even read a little bit of some old poetry I've written and never really had the guts to share with anyone. I even let my cousins kidnap me and watched twilight with them, and then listened to them discuss the books. A side note on my cousins, they don't worship the characters and actors the way that most fans seem to, they actually discuss the merits of the books, and the facets of characters. I'd probably have taken off but they actually got me curious enough to read the first novel. To my great surprise, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, I actually kinda enjoyed it. I know it's weird, but there's something about the way the book is written that just seems to keep it moving. I can't really describe it much more than that. Suspension of disbelief is pretty key when reading things or watching movies, and it's something that I often find other people can't seem to do. They get hung up on the details in fiction, rather than letting the story flow and introduce its own universe. But I've gotten a bit off track.

After hanging out with my cousins (which I will swear up and down that they kidnapped me and brainwashed me if you ask me in public, I gotta at least try and keep some of my credibility right?), I was feeling a bit better, I even managed to win a fair amount of money playing poker with my family. Things were starting to go pretty well, I got to hang out with Spencer, who I've known long enough I practically consider him family, even if I don't get to see him as often as I should, which is mostly my fault for having a mind that can't seem to keep track of time beyond what is happening directly in front of me. I also got a chance to see both Avatar and Sherlock Holmes, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed, and I don't really give a shit what others think about them, especially Avatar, I might make a whole post griping about the inability of some people to just enjoy the story. Everything was actually pretty good right up until New Year's Day, when I woke up, excited for 2010, and was hit with a sharp pain in my gut, vertigo, and nausea. I spent the next four days puking and curled up trying to get the pain to go away. Turns out I had a fever of over a hundred and two, and spent part of the time delirious while my family was out doing other things. A few of my cousins did come over to help me and I'm extremely grateful to them for doing so, even if we did watch twilight a few more times and my nails were painted, but I love them and they were trying to cheer me up so I forgive them. Of course standing was a bit of a problem for me sometimes I even had this bit of conversation with the floor.

Floor: Hey, dude. Uh, you're kinda heavy can you please get up?

Me: Whafuck? How the hell did I end up on the floor?

Floor: Oh hey, you're awake now please get off me, people are gonna think it's weird.

Me: Holy shit, did you just talk?

Floor: ...

Me: ... I don't think I'm gonna be going back to SLO today...

Yeah, that was Monday morning, and I still have no idea how I ended up face down on the floor.

So that pretty much catches everyone up to where I am right now, except for the events of the last few days. I got into SLO Thursday night and went to Farmer's, which was fun right up until I started to feel nauseated again. So I spent Friday unpacking a bit and trying to completely recover, and then went out Saturday to help judge a cooking competition for a couple of friends. The food was good, and my stomach had no problems with it, but more importantly to me was that got to meet some new people. One of whom I found I could talk with very easily and had a great time with. After the competition she joined a small group of my friends in going downtown to see Avatar again, and then we went back to her friend's place to watch Star Wars. I have to say, I was amazed at how much that just brightened my day. I felt awesome after meeting her, and I'd love to be friends with her, only I don't want to seem creepy and just knock on her door, so I'm kinda doing the little insecure head dance, but that's not really new. I went to bed last night feeling great, and slept without having a nightmare for the first time in months. Today was pretty good, I hung out with friends, and enjoyed having all my work done, right up until just a few hours ago when I suddenly felt my mood take a downward swing. I'm now filled with self-doubt. I just feel like I'm looking for a way out of a dark room where the walls keep retreating. Every now and then I'll meet someone who will provide me with a spot of illumination which will allow me to navigate sections without stumbling over the metaphorical furniture, but there are still gaps, huge areas of darkness that it seems like nothing can penetrate.