well that's interesting

Hmm... I've noticed that while I get a lot of page views I get very few comments here which makes me wonder a bit who's actually reading. I received a single email about my last post, one which I am very grateful for, but no comments on the actual page. I will continue to write up here, but I can't really say that the response has been particularly motivating. That's pretty much all I've got to say today, but I do wonder how many people have actually been reading...

Until Next Time, it's hotter than hell here now, seriously peaking at about 110-111 today? Ridiculous...

Holy shit...

So today I thought I'd go back and close out some of my old blogs considering that no one really reads them anymore, but before I did I figured I'd dig through all my old posts for fun and see my opinions on things and how they've changed. What I found wasn't anywhere near as fun as I thought it would be. I realized I don't remember high school. Not just the trivial things, I don't fucking remember writing the things I did, I don't remember faces, I can't recall the sequence of things. I do recall some very vague memories, some names, overall concepts of classes, where we ate lunch. But overall I have huge blank spots in my memory. I knew that I'd forgotten some things, a little more than I should have, but nowhere near this extent of things. It scared the shit out of me to be honest. I used to rely on my memory for everything, I could remember all the little things, I knew dates and times, places, names, faces, entire conversations, now I just recall random facts, things I have no idea where I picked them up, or how I learned them. I sit at a computer and start working on some random thing and suddenly I've solved the problem or a memory I know isn't mine pops up. I just don't know what the fuck is happening to me. I wish I could recall things better, I don't know how to do so though. I don't even know if I can blame this on the meds, I know I can blame some of it on the meds, but how much? And how long until I can't remember it at all? Will I be able to recall what little I do in a few years? If I forget it will I still be the same person? How can I make decisions if I don't know what's happened. Will the person currently known as me even exist outside a physical shell in the future?

I don't pretend to have all the answers, all I know is that I have a choice to make, let it all go, stop worrying about it and press forward on one path to discovering my true self or try and reclaim that which, up to this point, made me who I am. I know that seems a bit paradoxical, but what I mean is, do I keep moving forward and let the past go while working to calm the storm in my mind by gently moving the things that cause the problems aside, or do I look back and try to recover the things that will help me understand what is happening. Both have their merits, but I just can't decide, I feel like I'm approaching a point where I'll need to make this choice and it may involve a drastic lifestyle change. As always I'd love it if you guys weighed in on the subject either in a post or in an email to lhocke89@gmail.com.

Until Next Time, I feel like I'm walking towards the edge, I just don't know if it's time to run and throw myself off and see what's next, or if I should just stop and turn around. For now I'll just keep smiling, but the decision is going to be coming soon I fear

*EDIT* I forgot to say RIP Senator Ted Kennedy, your contributions to this world will be remembered and you will be missed.

Late night talks with good friends

So, last night/this morning, I received a pleasant surprise which has made the entirety of my recent misfortune ebb away. I received a message from a good friend I hadn't talked to in nearly a year, and amazingly we were able to carry on a rather lengthy conversation about our lives. In all we talked for almost eight hours, something that never happens with me, usually I run out of things to say within the first few minutes of a conversation, but for some reason we just connect when we talk. This happy occurrence has given me cause to talk about my friends and what I have to appreciate and be thankful for.

I want to thank all my friends who have been there for me in the past and put up with all my faults and problems. I know that I haven't always been the easiest person to work with, or live with, or even deal with at times, and I am trying to change that. Really I'm just glad that you have all stuck through it with me, especially those who have been there with me when I've stood at the edge and stared into the darkest parts of myself, contemplating the perceived futility of my actions. Those of you who weren't able to be there with me, I understand why, and I harbor no ill will towards you. I do understand that it has strained my relationships with people, and cost me some potential friends or loves, but I also hope that you understand that I spend each day fighting with two demons, each trying to destroy me in a different way. Living with Bipolar Disorder is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Some people think, and have told me, that it is nothing major and everyone has mood swings. While true that most people experience mood swings it is difficult to describe just how painful it is to go to sleep unable to tell if you'll wake up stable, manic, or too depressed to move.

The worst part of having this disease is not the lack of an actual cure, or the uncertainty of how you will react or behave, it's the ignorance of others that hurts the most. Every time I meet someone I can't tell them I'm Bipolar, and those that I do don't always accept it. I've had people cut off contact entirely, or watch me like I'm suddenly going to attack them, but the worst are the people who look at me as though I'm going to infect them with something. In today's supposedly enlightened world and society it seems that the disabled or ill are always relegated to a substandard view. Struggling with myself everyday to keep it together, it hurts more than most could imagine to hear someone say that I shouldn't be here. I have just as much right to be attending college as anyone else, and telling me that I'm not suited for it does nothing to help me. Sometimes I wonder just when I'm going to get my break, when are things going to ease up on me and let me get back on my feet.

My life has always seemed wonderful to people who only know me by reputation, or just know my parents, but beneath the carefully constructed facade and the masks that I wear I've been fighting my own demons for a long time.

My Trip and The Doctors

hey everyone, I'm back from LA, Pasadena, and Oakland, with a good deal of things that have happened, mostly they are good, but tonight I feel like I should just put up a couple of those that aren't so great, and we'll get to the good ones next time. Sorry if you were expecting an uplifting post, I just don't have it in me right now to do so. The trip itself was off to a bit of a rocky start when my train broke down before it left the station and we were relegated onto a bus into LA. The trip down wan't awful, I actually got a really nice view of teh clouds, but it's what happened once I hit Anaheim that started things off badly. I was changing my shirt when my dad noticed a spot on my side which had originally been a birthmark was now raised and irregularly shaped and colored. Of course he tells me I need to get it checked out ASAP, which was monday. I made the appointment, and prepared to spend the rest of the week enjoying myself. A couple days later I nearly collapsed with a massive headache and was unable to see anything in a way that made sense. I recovered and made it back to my hotel, but I was starting to get worried. On Monday I got to the doctor's and he basically looked at it, and said, "well I don't know, it's a tumor, but i'm not certain if it's malignant." Feeling a little better I asked what I should do, he basically just looked at me and said I need to consult with someone and he'd set up an appointment. The next doc then referred me to Dermatology to have it removed and analyzed. That third doctor looked at it, made a small hmm and then cut it off. She couldn't tell if it was cancerous, so now I'm waiting until next week to find out if it's good news or bad. The wait made me completely sick to my stomach yesterday, and although I'm feeling a little better today, the wound is healing slowly and hurts terribly. The one bright spot about all this is that it started to rearrange my priorities, I decided that I should stop being scared of telling people how I feel, and start working on some things that I'd set down and almost forgotten. Of course the universe loves to laugh at me and these plans were put once more on indefinite hold. So now I'm still in a holding pattern, once more circling and looking for a place to land, my port in the storm, or any other number of cliches that you may wish to throw at me. I suppose most of it right now is I just need some support now to get me through this, whether I'm sick or not. It's scared the hell out of me, and I feel like I'm staring again into a blackness that I thought I had locked away for a very long time. I have been getting back in touch with old friends though, so that's good, and I'm trying to be on AIM a bit more often than I have been in a while. So please, feel free to pick up the phone and call me, or email me, or text me, or IM me, I look forward to hearing from you

Until Next Time, I'm clinging to threads of my life and feeling it spiral again, I need someone to reach out a hand, and keep me from my fall.

Well after a few mishaps...

> Okay everyone, I've finally reached th final leg of my trip into
> anaheim after an aparent mechanical problem forced usbto take a bus
> from SLO to LA's Union Station. The ruse wasn't bad as far as bus
> trips go, but definitely not the best way to travel. I did have a
> very nice view of the clouds all the way down which was very nice.
> So I guess anquicm recap is in order, I spent the night on the couch
> of a friend so that I would actually be awake in time to catch my
> train, ended up falling asleep sometime after two this morning, and
> surprisingly slept pretty comfortably. I then woke up at 6 and ate a
> quick breakfast before being driven to the train station by Brian,
> so thanks very much for that! :) as I type this we are currently
> headed south, so I should arrive in Anaheim very soon, then it's
> time for Disneyland! I'll email in a few more updates probably,
> though they will definitely be short, not much I can type quickly in
> an email, my thumbs get tired :( also you cna follow menon Twitter
> where I will be posting regularly my screenname is @lhocke
>
> Until next time, enjoy this summer weather and those of you on the
> semester schedule enjoy these last few weeks of summer!
>
> P.s as always my phone is on so feel free to call, text or email me
> anytime! I'll get back to you as soon as I get some time :)

Ahhhhh, summer vacation

So, tomorrow morning I'm headed out to the train station at 6:30 AM for a 6:45 AM train to Anaheim where I will be going to Disneyland with my family, followed by a return to the Bay where, hopefully, I will be able to procure tickets to the soccer game in ATT Park on Saturday night, followed by Singin' in the Rain at Woodminster on Sunday. Then monday I'll be going to the dentist, the optometrist, and to transfer the title on my Grandmother's 2000 Toyota Camry to my name. I will be returning to SLO on the 11th, with the car. So basically the next week is going to be a littel hectic, but fun, so give me a call or text me if you want to hang out this weekend while I'm back, or if you want to come down to SLO anytime. That's pretty much it for right now, I'm crashing on a friend's couch tonight so he can drive me to the train station. I'll post again when I get back, not sure if I'll have a decent internet connection while in the hotel.

Until Next Time, I'm glad to see more people are jumping on the twitter bandwagon and I hope that more of you will consider joining in! follow me @Lhocke