Who the hell is that?

Hey everyone, been a while I know, but life's been kinda interesting. Long story short I've been auditioning for things, had a run of Cabaret that I crewed, and I've been writing. Oh and I got a girlfriend :). But that's not what tonights post is about, rather I'd like to talk about the past a bit.

I've mentioned before to people, usually jokingly, that I don't really remember a lot of things I've done, people I've met, or places I've been. Mostly people laugh. Sorry to say, it's true, I really don't remember chunks of high school, and sometimes I don't remember old friends. The thing is, I never realized just how much I don't remember until I started importing photos from an old hard drive I found. I found photos from three years ago that I don't even remember taking or being in. I don't mean "Oh hey I'd totally forgotten about that" I mean I don't revall being present at the time, even though the evidence is right there. It's terrifying.

What does it say about a person when you're so out of your own life that you can't remember doing things with your friends? When you can recall details from a book you read seven years ago but can't call to mind the face of a friend you've known for 15 years? Am I losing my memory or am I just utterly incapable of maintaining connections with the people and places of my past?

Honestly, I don't know which scares me more

A beginning

Okay, it’s been a while since I’ve posted and I’ve got a few things on my mind but this post is about writing, why I began writing and why I’ve decided that I want to do this for the rest of my life.

I’ve been writing since I could read, mostly just nonsense stories, things from the imagination of a child. i wasn’t serious about it until about five years ago when I slid into a deep depression and was struggling to find my way out. I was told to try a myriad of different therapies, but the one that really stuck with me was keeping a journal and writing. I let everything I thought flow onto the page until I was drained. Most of what I wrote during that time is dark and confused, some of it I don’t even remember writing, but it started me on my current path.

I continued writing for therapeutic reasons until two years ago when I decided to finally venture in the catacombs of my memory and confront the demons of my past. Most of my writing is very close to my heart and some is very difficult for me to put down, one story in particular tears me up inside every time I work on it. I believe that writing is supposed to reveal a truth, and a good story should make the reader feel something. Surprisingly some of the people I’ve discussed this with disagree.

I’ve been told that my writing is depressing, that my stories need happy endings, and that people feel uncomfortable reading some of my poems. My response is always “Good.” My writing comes from my heart and is meant to provoke. I’m not writing some coffee table book for hipsters to buy and never open just so they can say they have it.

Anyway that’s kind of vague, but since I started writing seriously I’ve experienced moments of near tranquility that I never knew before. These moments of peace inspired me to look into actually studying and improving my craft and the more I work on and share my work with peers, the more I realize that I don’t just want to do this, I need to do it. So it’s actually a fairly simple story, with just one last little tag since I’ve been asked why I prefer fiction to non-fiction. I write stories that are based on life, it’s fiction only because I see the world differently from most people. Too me everything is a story waiting to be told and who wants a bland story?

Until Next Time, just two full days guys, just 2!

Tea Party

OKay, I know that all of you have differing opinions about politics and our society but I'd like to take a minute to talk about what happened today in Delaware. Early this evening Christine O'Donnell, a conservative candidate backed by the Tea Party with very little experience, won the Republican primary. This woman has some rather, um, interesting views on what we should and should not do in our personal lives. I'll let you see for yourself




Yeah, she's against masturbation. Not sure how she'd plan to try and enforce any kind of policy about that, but I'm scared to find out

In all fairness she may have changed her views, but this is indicative of a bigger problem. The "Tea Party" began as a push to shove a bunch of vocal, bitter, people into the spotlight to attack the "Liberals", an interesting strategy. Since then it has become a monster made up of radical fringe groups that should have never received any mainstream attention. People are voting emotionally right now, and in their fear they are turning to a group of people who would never be considered during stable times. I don't have much to say really other than, these people terrify me. I'm pretty much the exact opposite of what they think an American is, despite having a family history on this continent that extends before the founding of the colonies, and I'm scared shitless that we may wake up one morning to find that the anti-government people elected out of fear and hatred have destroyed the way of life we know and love.

What 9/11 Should Mean to America

*I came across this on Facebook today, take a moment to read it and think*


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By Rabbi Sanford Akselrad

Every year I, like rabbis throughout the world, sit down to write our High Holiday sermons. Coming up with topics, themes and messages that reflect our passion and the tenor of our times is our greatest challenge. Usually, I stay away from topical events because they fade away and are overcome by the next news story.

But this year I decided to speak on a subject that is not only topical, but one which I think will define our nation. I refer to the controversy over the proposed so-called mosque planned to be built two blocks away from ground zero.

There are reasonable opinions on both sides of the debate as to whether this Islamic center should be built there. Some people argue that building a mosque near ground zero is an affront to the memory of those who died — that it would be a symbol of Islamic triumphalism.

Others argue that they have every legal right to build a house of worship there. And that freedom of religion is what our loved ones died for.

These questions are important. But perhaps even more important than the answers is the tenor in which these questions are being asked. Ugly demonstrations against Islam, acts of violence and even the threat of burning the Quran by a “man of cloth.”

Everywhere we turn, people are talking about this issue. And what comes out are not words of tolerance. Rather, they are words of fear, hatred and bigotry. When are we going to stand up and say “enough”?

Nine years ago, a short while after Sept. 11, I organized an interfaith gathering at the Clark County Amphitheater. I had people of many different faiths. And I had representatives from the Muslim community whom I had known for many years.

We had hundreds of people who gathered to add their voices of support. I remember the pain that we all felt about what had happened to our country. And I remember the fear and concern that emanated from the Muslim community about how they would be received by their non-Muslim neighbors.

Our goal was to stand as a community in solidarity with one another. We sought to identify the perpetrators of these vile acts as representatives of radical Islam and not Islam itself. To some this nuance is naive. To others, impossible. And to others still, the right thing to do. They did not feel it proper or American to brand 1 billion people with the same paint brush of radicalism.

Since that time, many years have gone by. Two wars have been launched. Many have died. And, yes, the fighting still continues. Homeland security has been totally reshaped and redefined. Our sense of safety isn’t the same. Whereas before we counted history from Pearl Harbor, we now count history from what has become known as 9/11.

Next year will mark the 10th anniversary of 9/11. And undoubtably there will be countless documentaries, programs, observances and articles written about what 9/11 means to our country.

But I question whether we actually know what it means. I think we as a nation are still in the process of deciding what it means. In fact I think that the controversy about the mosque near ground zero is a reflection of that process.

This past summer my wife and I went to what is the interim memorial for 9/11 next to ground zero. We walked through quietly. Looking at the remnants of what were human lives. Photos of the horror. Artifacts that were found. Recordings of the last words of those who died as they spoke to their loved ones. I was moved to tears in much the same way as when I have visited Holocaust memorials. The sadness is palpable.

If this is not holy ground, I don’t know what is.

But just as it took us time to define what the Holocaust meant to us as a Jewish community, so too do I think that it will take time, perhaps many more years, for us as a nation to fully understand the meaning of 9/11.

I remember initially when it happened, I like many rabbis gave a sermon which declared, “After 9/11 we are all Israelis.” It was an observation that our nation would no longer be able to live with the naive belief that we were safe from harm on our native soil. Like Israel, we had felt the brunt of the terrorists’ might and determination. And we knew that our world would never be the same.

But Israel has gone through challenges with terrorism a lot longer than we have. We are new to this scourge. In this struggle, there is one challenge that I think overrides all other challenges:

How does a nation retain its democratic character and its moral principles when fighting terrorists? How can we remain true to our values and our sense of morality when we are fighting people who know allegiance to no particular country, follow no rules of engagement, and commit atrocities no civilized nation on earth would think of doing?

Remaining morally centered has been an ongoing struggle for the Israeli people. Sometimes, in their zeal to fight terrorists, they go too far. Sometimes, in their desire to uphold the moral high ground, they put their people at risk. It is never easy, but it is always, always part of the equation politically, militarily and morally. As Americans, we are just beginning to go through that process. Perhaps the most we can do right now is say what 9/11 does not mean:

• 9/11 does not mean that we should let our fears and passions rule us.

• 9/11 does not mean that politicians have the right to prey upon our fears for political gain.

• 9/11 does not mean that clergy have the right to prey upon our fears to denigrate the religion of Islam in order to bolster their own faith.

• 9/11 does not mean that televised “talking heads” have the right to convince us that we are morally weak and, unless we defend ourselves “right now,” the terrorists are going to destroy us.

We live in difficult, uncertain times. The economy has impacted millions of people. Millions have lost their homes. Many millions still look for work. Their worlds are turned up side down. Our nation remains at war. And terrorism is still a very real threat to our way of life.

Such uncertainty may bring out the best in people, but all too often it brings out the worst. People look for someone to blame. They look for easy answers to complex problems.

As Jews, we have known more than our share of prejudice and periods of persecution. Having felt hatred’s pain, we have a special obligation to speak up for what is right.

If we remain silent, we will be guilty of helping to create a society that is intolerant. If we remain silent, we embolden those who feel it is their right to impose their values on us by force and intimidation. If we remain silent, we abandon our moral imperative to bring about Tikun Olam — wholeness to a broken world.

I think some Jewish organizations understand this. The Anti-Defamation League, for example, has tried to walk a thin line between being sensitive to the victims of 9/11 and maintaining its mission to fight prejudice of all kinds. Its national director, Abe Foxman, has been relentless in his condemnation of recent attacks against Islam:

“The tragedy of Sept. 11 should never be exploited, and we should not let bigots defile the memory of the victims of 9/11 with offensive rhetoric and hate speech. That stands against everything this country and our long tradition of religious freedom represents.”

Such statements of tolerance and mutual respect are important. But their effectiveness ultimately will be judged by how each of us acts toward each other in our own individual communities.

We cannot remain silent, nor turn our heads away in fear. We must not only support leaders of great courage, but we must personally do what we can to stand together with people of all faiths to uphold the values and ideals that bring strength and character to our society.

As we move closer to the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I am certain that we will all give much thought as to what that day means to us. Amongst the many meanings, I think it will come to be a day in which we remember that for one sad, solitary moment, we as a nation — regardless of religion, color or creed — came together and stood as one.

From that rare moment, I hope the strength of our country’s moral character will be permanently forged. A strength that will guide us through the coming years with our core values alive and intact. So that we will be, and will always be, a nation ruled not by fear, but by the power of our convictions. A nation which holds all of its citizens with equal regard. A nation which stands tall among all nations as a beacon of hope and humanity. In the words of the prophet Amos, “Let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.”

Another update

I’ve taken to blogging about once a week in order to keep a regular schedule, but tonight I feel the need to write more.

This past week was pretty difficult for me, general quandaries and all, and as stupid as it sounds my audition was a big part of it. I’m still dealing with all the emotional crap in my life, but I’ve got friends who are helping me out and I’m extremely grateful to them, I really don’t think I can ever express just how much I appreciate their help.

It really hit hard when I brought a friend over for the first time in years. I don’t mean someone I’ve known for awhile, I mean someone coming over for the first time. I never really noticed the silence of my house, I try to fill it with music and movies, but while we were watching TV after dinner she looks around whispers, “Is it always this awkward?” I looked up and for the first time I noticed my parents sitting in separate rooms, my brother on his computer, the house in silence aside from the TV. It was nothing new, but I never realized how odd it actually was until that moment. The silence was thick and heavy, everyone in my family is a stranger to me.

I know she didn’t mean to point it out, to make things more awkward for me, but it gave me a lot to think about. In many ways I’ve spent my entire life alone, living with people who I’m connected to only by blood. I feel like I have heard so many stories, that I don’t know what is true anymore. I don’t know what I’m saying really, I just feel like I’m all alone in this big house. There are people here, but we just pass by like strangers in the hall.

I just want to be needed, to be held and wanted. I want to feel that connection that I haven’t felt in so long.

Sushi (or Week 3)

I think it's safe to say that everyone reading this knows the situation that I've been in the past few weeks. Thus far I've held up pretty well, preexisting quirks aside. I'm going through day by day, doing my best to keep it together. I'm also not drinking, as much as I might want to at times, it would be easier to lose myself partying right now and I don't want to go down that road if I can avoid it.

Tonight three things happened which have sent me on a little bit of a downward slide. First, my mom started moving out, taking the stuff from my apartment that's in boxes with her. She also asked me to help her get her utilities turned on at her new place. Second, my dad stopped wearing his ring today, first time I've ever seen him without it. The finality of it all hit me when we went out for dinner. We went to a local sushi restaurant, something I usually enjoy but tonight it's just one less meal that we'll have together. Sushi was always something we did to celebrate, a symbol of happy times. Now it's just a bitter reminder of the fact that the pieces of my childhood I liked are becoming tainted by current events.

Everyday I wake up and feel like I'm still asleep. I stumble through my routine and go to school, slipping into the persona that began as a protective shield and is now more like a constant companion whispering in my ear. I want to open up, to share myself with other people, but instead I laugh and joke. I deflect questions and serious discussion with jokes. I throw obstacles in the way of people I'm trying to get to know. It's not a new problem, but i sabotage my relationships because I don't feel worthy enough to be in one. I'm angry at my parents for dropping this on me, and angry at myself for all the times in the past I wished they would.

I just can't take this shit, I want to throw myself into something, I want to work and release my frustration. But I seriously blew it at my audition, I froze. I know it sounds stupid but I needed this. I needed this audition to go well so I wouldn't be alone with myself. I'm the cliché, the artist who's afraid to be alone with his own thoughts. I don't feel worthy of any of my talents, I don't feel worthy of praise given, I just feel inadequate. I apologize constantly, I seek the approval of others while trying to stay true to myself, whoever that is anymore. I've begun to discover myself again and I'm afraid that I'll slide back into my old pattern of simply hiding myself inside a stronger persona to keep from being hurt.

I want to stand in the light and feel the warmth on my face but the dark beckons with her siren call.

Two weeks in

By now those of you who read my blog already know what’s been going on, and those of you who don’t well you aren’t reading this any way so who cares. Sorry, that’s a bit rude but I’m in kind of a crappy mood tonight.

It’s been almost two weeks wince my parents told me they’re getting a divorce, and thus far I’ve handled it fairly well around them. I’m not drinking, I’m not being reckless, I’m going to and participating in my classes, and I’m getting ready to audition in a few days. By looking at the way I’ve been getting through I guess you’d say I look like I’m taking it well. Inside I feel like shit. I want to just go out and do something stupid, who cares right?

I’m glad to have friends who care and have sent me emails and comments, giving me advice and supporting me through this, but I feel like I’m just drifting. I’ve moved away from a lot of my friends, I suck at trying to reconnect with old friends, and I feel like any new friends I make I’l be leaving them in a year so how can you really get close in that short a time?

I’m a man lost at sea, searching for the harbor. My ship is sturdy and reinforced with the love and support of my friends, but I’m still tossed about inside it.

I’ve been tweeting through the week about how I feel, and I’ve ben throwing some things up on facebook, although I’m more open about my tweets since less people read them apparently, but who knows.

Anyway, earlier I tweeted:

so here's a problem I'm supposed to write a love poem for my poetry class and I can't get past the first line w/o my life getting in the way

I’m having a huge issue with keeping my real life separate from my creative life right now, something which is normally okay but i’m in a class now where we share our works. I don’t know how comfortable I am with sharing all this with people I don’t know. And yes the irony of posting this on the web does not escape me. I’m just having a hard time dealing with my issues on my own, and to have the outlet I desperately need, critiqued by a group of people who don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want to explain every time I read my work, and I don’t like that the fear of criticism is affecting my work. I want to go back to writing and creating on my own terms, writing for me and damn the opinions of everyone else.

I’m especially shaken by the assignment to write a poem about love. To me it’s a foreign emotion, while at the same time it’s incredibly familiar.

I can say I love animals, I love dogs, I love nature, I love the theatre, I love my friends, but what about romantic love? How do you know you’re in love? How do you appropriately capture that feeling in words and set them on a page?

Right now I can say I’m attracted to someone, that I think she’s a great friend, that I would like to see if we could be more. I’ve told her so but it seems like I’m always chasing the ones who “aren’t ready” or just aren’t interested. It’s weird that these things just don’t add up for me, or I guess it’s more of my timing just kinda sucks. Or that I’m overanalyzing things and I actually do have a chance but I’m the idiot who just can’t see it.

The poem just makes things harder and more confusing, I want to write it generic, but then it feels weak and cliche, so I aim for slightly personal and end up with overly personal. I don’t write poetry or stories with specific people in mind for the most part, because it makes things awkward when feelings aren’t the same. I ended up writing a short story and using a character’s voice to craft a poem. A cheap cop out that’s actually pretty transparent.

I’m also having an issue with my poetry coming out angry. I want something emotional and powerful but it seems like all the happiness I have right now exists only in the moment and right on the surface. I open up my mental box of emotions and my frustration just flows out.

I know I’ve written some lengthy blog posts lately and I feel like there will probably be a few more in the near future. I really want to write about something happy and tell you all that everything’s alright but I honestly don’t know if it will. I look ahead and I know that things will balance eventually but I just feel like every time I start to climb out of my hole another mountain of shit gets dumped on me.

I want to be selfish, to say “fuck the world”, go out and just pick up anyone, lose myself in shallow desires and forget who I am. I can’t do that. I’m too firmly attached to my beliefs, flexible as they may be, and who I’ve come to define myself as. I can be an ass, but I’m not a asshole. I can be mean, but I’m not a bully. I may ignore people, but I’m not a jerk. I’m not prefect, but I just can’t go against my own solidly fluid morals. I cannot hurt others, or rather I will not if I can possibly avoid it. I’m the friend, the supporting character in everyone’s life. I want to be the leading man, the guy who gets the girl, the underdog who comes out on top. Instead I’m the best friend of the underdog, the guy who no one remembers when the movie’s over.

Until next time, well that’s the question isn’t it.

One Week Later

Exactly one week ago my parents called my brother and myself down to the living room for a chat. Now before I go on, you should understand some things about my family. First, we don’t talk that often unless there’s a problem. Second, we never all get together in one room to talk about something unless it’s a huge deal. Third, well I guess you really only need to know the first two to get a sense of the apprehension I felt while descending onto the main floor and sitting on the uncomfortable, yet fashionable, couch. Come to think of it, uncomfortable yet fashionable seems to sum up my home life pretty well.

Anyway, to get back to the story, my brother and I took our places, wondering what was wrong, what we may have done, who might have died. Instead we looked across as our mom said “Your Father and I have been talking and...” “you’re getting a divorce” I interjected. I was right. There was a lot of “it’s not about you kids” “We weren’t keeping it a secret, we just didn’t want to bother you.” Really my first reaction upon hearing that they didn’t want to trouble us was an emphatic “Bullshit.” I start school tomorrow, 9 days after they told me they were getting a divorce. I also get to continue working on an audition piece that I have no idea how long it should be.

Right now I’m completely up in the air, so out of it that I don’t know what day it is, or what time it is. I’m a functioning zombie. I went to work all last week, I went to see friends. I got my books, went and got new clothes, but I’m completely on autopilot. If someone were to tell me I was about to die I’d probably just say “Oh, that’s nice” and keep on going. I keep feeling like I’m stuck in a weird dream. It’s not a bad dream, and it’s not a good dream, it’s just like a dream that I can’t wake from.

In my current distracted state I took a leap of faith, which really was more of a leap of numb dissociation and told her how I felt, asked her about taking things to the next level. I wasn’t shot down, but it didn’t go as well as I had hoped it would. So now I sit here, in the middle of a family that was over years ago but is just now starting to break away, no real relationship experience to tell me how to proceed with her. I feel a bit like Dr. Horrible when I keep righting her. Only it’s not a vlog, and I’m not singing, and I’m not a super-villian, and I’m nowhere near as cool as NPH. So now that we have that settled I guess I’ll get back to the point.

I’m lost. I don’t know how to interact with my parents. I keep hearing more than I really care to know about each side and their plans. My kitchen stuff, still boxed up from my apartment, is going with my mom to her new place along with some of my lamps, a few of my office supplies, and some other crap that I don’t seem to have a say about. I’m almost 21 fucking years old and I feel like a kid with no say in what goes on.

I have a few useful though frustrating abilities in my mental arsenal which I’m bringing into full play now. First is my ability to dissociate from everything and just drift numbly observing everything to write down later as a piece of fiction. I know that I probably shouldn’t pour as much of myself into my work as I do, but I don’t know any other way, my writing is mainly for me anyway and if other people like it, good for them. Second, I can block out a lot of my memories, a kind of selective amnesia. I forget anything painful that I don’t want to remember, it resurfaces eventually, but I can shove it way back in a box and compartmentalize. The third is not so much a mental trick as it is an acting trick, I pull on whatever mask I need to make people think I’m okay. I go about my day unable to open up because of my instinctual reaction to protect myself from the world. I’ve talked about it before, but I feel like I need to project the strongest image of myself that I can and try to become that person. I present a version of myself that people like, because I feel like most people would hate or at least be very uncomfortable with the person I am.

Everyone who I’ve actually told about my struggles with being bipolar have seen who I am, and know some of what I’ve been through. Those of you who read this and that I went to high school with, I’m sorry. I never fully presented who I was then, and I’ve also changed a lot from who I was. I’m still a good listener, I can still keep your secrets, but I’m not the guy who is content to help others anymore. I thought I could, there was a time when I would lay down my life to protect my friends, but now I don’t know if I could. I love my friends, I really do, but I’m much less logical than I used to be. I guess part of it is I’ve learned to compartmentalize so well that I basically use three aspects of my personality now. The writer, the lover, and the friend. I am a combination of all three, but all three have a say in what i do. To clarify a bit, and I know it makes me sound like a bit of an ass, I don’t really do relationships anymore. I want to have fun, to connect and be involved but with the understanding that it will lead where it leads, and if it becomes serious great if not, at least we had fun and can still be friends. As a writer everything I see can make a story, everything has something that needs to be expressed. Parts of my life find their way into my stories and poems, oftentimes I have to shelve my work because it’s too painful, or a story is too much like a real event with real people.

I’m incredibly grateful that my friends have been there to help me through this and, as weird as it may sound, I’m grateful that I can share it with you all at once. I’m still confused and I want to talk to all of you, but the fact that I only have to really put this out there once, without all the heartache and pain of retelling the story, makes it easier to be honest about it all.

It’s late now and I have to take my car into the shop in the morning before class, but I’ll write more later. My cell phone is always on and you can also reach me on facebook, twitter or at lhocke89@gmail.com. Really I do hope to hear from all of you.

Until Next Time, I might look okay in public, but if you see me when I think no one’s looking you’ll see it.

Because some of your don't know w00tstock

Eternal Arr from Dan Coulter on Vimeo.

Oh the times they are a changing

        I’ve known for a while that Star Tours at Disneyland was closing but I learned today that the flights to Endor are at an end. Tonight or tomorrow the ride will close down so that a new version can be installed, with the destination of Tattooine and a podrace. Yes, a fucking podrace.

        I remember my first time riding Star Tours, it was my first “Big Kid” ride, and it was amazing. I loved the immersive experience, the line which wound its way through the terminal, complete with characters from the movies and enough realism to blow my mind. Over the years I figured out the best seats, the ones that allowed you to really feel the acceleration. I memorized the dialogue, pointed out George Lucas to friends who had never ridden the ride before. Star Tours was a unique experience, where the ride began the moment you stepped into line, without using cheap cheesy gimmicks to distract you from the wait.

        I loved Star Tours and I’m sorry that when I was in Disney two months ago I didn’t take the chance to ride it, something I’ll regret for some time. Just one more missed opportunity that, strange as it sounds, reminds me to take more chances, bigger risks, because tomorrow it could be gone

The Creative Project is on hold for now

Okay all, thanks for your fantastic suggestions, but I regret to say that I won’t be able to get to any of them right now since I only get about 2.5 hours a day to do non work, school, or commute related items, so I’ll be putting the project on hold until I can either reduce my work hours or after classes end, Sorry everyone.

Until next time, hang loose and enjoy the summer

P.S. I’m still feeling like MacJournal is one of the most awesome blog tools ever, I’ll try and upload some audio stuff later this week, or maybe so photos from my ashland trip in a couple weeks.

A summer project

I’m spending this summer in Oakland taking some classes and working and I need something to ensure I don’t go mad, with that in mind I’ve decided to take up a creative writing project. Send me a short idea and I will write a short story or poem about it, or send me a photo to write about. I’m experimenting with getting more writing done and I think that this is a fun way to get people involved and stay connected.

Here’s what you need to do, first think of a word, theme, picture, or sentence that you want a story about. Second, email your idea to lhocke89@gmail.com with the subject line of creative project (you can also leave a comment on this post if you wish). Third, sit back and relax while I work over it. Hopefully I’ll be able to spend less than two weeks on each piece, with a few overlapping. If this works out I’ll keep it going as a regular thing so submit your ideas before the end of June for this first batch and we’ll go from there!

Until Next Time, It’s fucking summertime, holy shit let’s relax :)

P.S. I’d just like to mention how awesome it is that I can compose this blog post when I have internet and then upload it when I get home. Every time I use it I just love MacJournal a little more.

P.P.S I meant to upload this on Monday, but life got a bit crazy

Packing's a bitch

I’m taking a short break from packing up my stuff for the drive back to Oakland, and let me tell you it’s a bitch and a half. I’m packing up clothes, electronics, files, and papers for this trip and next time I get to do dishes, utensils, and all that random crap I have sitting around here for some reason. I have no idea how I’m going to fit all this shit into my car, but I’ll figure it out I guess. I also still need to get a bike rack and a few more boxes, so anyone who feels inclined to help me out, I’d love it :)

I’ll write some more later about just why I’m heading back so early, until then enjoy the day!

EDIT: I just found out that I can edit my blog entries from MacJournal!!!! Holy fucking shit that’s just awesome

It comes in waves

        I’ve been thinking a lot lately about pretty much anything and everything, which is not a particularly good sign. I’ve always got my mind open and pondering new ideas and old questions, but lately it’s like trying to describe every passengers of seven different trains as they barrel past in different directions, or maybe planes is a better example. Anyway the point is I can’t shut it off, everything I see sends my mind into an overwhelming state of turmoil. I know I joke in public about my mental state and all the crap that comes with it but the truth is I hate this disease, I hate that I feel like I’m losing control and that I’m tumbling further and further down the metaphorical rabbit hole. Which is actually a pretty apt description as one of the theories about Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass is that it’s about the slide into mental chaos.

        Tonight it’s especially bad, I find myself sitting alone and wondering just how much worse things can get, what kind of crap can the universe throw at me next. I’ve described it like standing on unstable ground at the edge of a dark pit that you can never quite scramble away from. Each time I come back from the edge I just start sliding back towards it. Worse than depression and struggle is the frustration of finding balance only to lose it again when my body builds up a tolerance to the meds I’m on.

        I want out, I just want this shit to be over, I want it to be done with. I don’t know why I even try anymore. Truly I can’t think straight now, and I need to get away somewhere that I won’t be alone. I want to reach out for help but I just don’t know where to go. Going to a friend with this burden is a huge favor, something that you can’t ask lightly. I want to trust my friends, I truly do, but I’m scared of what might happen.

        I don’t know what set it off this time, earlier today I had so much energy I couldn’t focus on anything, now I just want to break down sobbing over anything and everything.

        I don’t know what else to say, I feel like crap and I want to reach out but this is the only way I can even begin to try. I want to believe that things will get better, and I know that you can’t run from your problems forever, but I feel like maybe if I run fast enough and far enough I just might by myself some time. It’s a stupid idea.

        I guess the point of this is I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, I just want some direction. I want things to make sense again, I want some reason for my pain. Hell, I’d be willing to take it all if it meant that others didn’t have to suffer.

        I’m tired and just want to lie down and let it all wash over me, let the calm waters gently wash away my troubles, but I stand in a troubled sea and the nearest land is just out of reach.

Musings on Facebook

I’ve blogged and tweeted about this issue quite a bit lately but I think that I need to take the time to fully flesh out my thoughts. Like all social networking networking sites Facebook has its Pros and Cons, and for a while the Pros far outweighed the Cons for me. I’ve had a Facebook account since they were first opened up to High School students and I immediately got down to the business of finding friends, posting on that fabulous wall, and sharing photos with friends who’d moved away. Everything was about sharing with friends, it was like hanging out with your friends when they couldn’t be there with you. Now Facebook is flooded with apps and ads, fan pages which exist only to spread viruses or steal personal information. It’s becoming almost impossible to keep track of the amount of personal information that Facebook shares with almost anyone who asks. I posted an article earlier showing a tree of the privacy options on Facebook, and showing the evolution of the Privacy Agreement. The most recent agreement is now longer than the American Constitution. Yep, that’s right, Facebook’s privacy policy is now longer than one of the most important documents in American history. It astounds me that I can type my name into Google and come back with 100s of hits, when just two years ago I could find maybe 12 that were directly linked to me. The worst part about all this is the complete apathy from many people I talk to about this. It seems like we’ve become a generation of people completely oblivious to the consequences of our online actions. Photos of parties are posted and willingly tagged, often with comments like “Dude I was so wasted that night, you remember I hooked up with that chick”, or “OMG that night was amzing can’t wait til next week!!” I’ll admit to my share of partying, I enjoy hanging out with friends and embracing the freedom of college life, but just try and find a publicly accessible photo of me partying. I avoid cameras and camera phones as much as possible because of a justifiable paranoia of my actions being spread across the internet. With devices that can easily and discretely record events and then upload them directly, I don’t see any reason not to be concerned about someone seeing me int a potentially compromising situation. I know it’s incredibly cheesy and cliché but once it’s on the internet, there’s no getting it back. It seems like our entire generation has missed that lesson, we post our deepest and darkest secrets on sites with the assumption that they will be kept private, only to be seen by those we choose to share them with. Some of us, like myself, choose to willingly share our feelings and situations with anyone who cares to read them, but we control the flow of information about these events. I realize that I seem to be a bit of a hypocrite considering I have several public blogs and a public Twitter account, but I keep my Facebook page pretty private. The reason I’m upset and concerned about Facebook’s policies is either people don’t know or don’t care that all the information they are sharing on a supposedly secure sight, is easily accessible to anyone with an internet connection. There’s a growing movement of people threatening to cancel their Facebook accounts and I must say that I’m considering it. I’m not completely convinced that I should do so, for one thing I can keep up with my family anywhere easily, and I can easily send out event invites. Then again, I’m tired of receiving friend requests from people I’ve never met, or people who know I don’t wish to speak to them and add me just to increase their friend count. What it comes down to is the question of where Facebook goes from here. Does it continue to become more and more public until every bit of privacy dissapears? Or does it return to being a semi-private forum in which friends can openly share with each other without fear of reprisal. Of the two I found the former infinitely more likely, and perhaps we’ll soon see the rise of another social networking site which will be loved by a few at first, gain popularity and then fail as it attempts to cater to the masses. Anyway that’s just my two cents on the matter and I always welcome differing opinions, so feel free to comment.

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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/lhocke

A night of fun

My idea of a fun night has changed significantly in the last year, from a night out with a group laughing and reveling, to a simple chance to just get away from my work and walk with a friend.  Tonight I ditched my homework and decided to see what was happening at Emily's (which shall henceforth be referred to as The House, as I don't want to have to type out everyone's name who lives there).  Anyway, I went out to The House since I hadn't seen any of them in a while and arrived to find Ariel hanging out with Emily and her boyfriend.  I said hi to Tim and Igor and then settled in to watch some TV.  Emily and her boyfriend took off after a little bit, and I was left with Ariel.  We watched a bit more TV and then decided to head downtown and get some food.  We walked around for a while and ended up at Bel Frites, first time I've ever in been there actually.  We ended up talking for a couple hours as we walked and ate, and it was nice to actually get out and just relax with someone for a while.  Usually my nights and weekends are filled with work and stress and I forget how good it feels to just hang with people.
Really it's my fault, I take on so many projects and spend so much time in my apartment that it's hard for others to know my schedule and what's going on.  I'm going to try harder to actually get out, and to actually see people.  So if I show up randomly or start sending out a ton of messages, which I'm apt to do in the near future, just let me know if you want to join in.  And now that spring has begun I think I'll be doing some picnics and hiking, so be aware that I'll be sending some notices about those out soon.
Until next time, thanks to my friends for being there with me and helping me through the pile of shit I seem to be constantly wading through

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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/lhocke

The Lake Visit!

I’m up at the lake right now for lake visit 2.5 and imagine my surprise when I found out that we have internets! We’ve gotten most of the things we needed to do done today, and tomorrow we get to test the trackers and digipeaters. I thought I might have more to say, but suddenly I can’t think of what I wanted to say. Oh well I’ll write more tomorrow or monday after I get back.

Until Next Time, I really want to learn how to play the violin so I think this summer I’ll take some lessons

Fuck Yeah Wil Wheaton

Okay so maybe I’m the only one who loves keynotes enough to give this a Fuck Yeah title but still

Twitterfeed and Blogspot

Let’s be honest here, I used to love Twitterfeed. It was simple to use, and did everything behind the scenes, all I had to do was write an entry and leave it alone, but then it got all wonky and started to crash so I abandoned Blogspot in search of a site that would allow me to post to facebook and twitter automatically, that’s when I found TypePad. TypePad was like an oasis in the desert of blogs, it had everything I needed to post to everyone at once. But after a time I became weary of the lack of customization options offered to basic users and, unwilling to pay for my blogs, I decided to go in search of something new once more, I landed on WordPress, which is fantastic for provacy and keeping track of everything, but again has no free customization options. So now I’m updating across three different blogs, all with mostly the same content, in the hopes that I’ll be able to pull together some kind of unity in them all.

Until next time, I hope twitterfeed is working again, and I want to figure out how to sign these things automatically

Posting from MacJournal

In the last Macheist bundle I bought there were some pretty nice apps, my favorites being RapidWeaver, Tracks, Coverflow, and Tweetie, but now I’ve started opening up the others and seeing just what I can do with them, imagine my delight when I began to use MacJournal and found that I can write a single entry on my desktop and then just move it from blog to blog, it’s fantastic! That’s really all for now, but there’ll be more to come, especially now that I can write entries offline and then post them whenever, so rock on people.

A new blog site

Hey everyone, I'm moving my blog over to TypePad for a bit, since twitterfeed seems to have stopped working and TypePad has an integrated aggregator, so that's where my business is headed. if you want to keep following me just head over to lhocke.typepad.com updates will continue to be posted on twitter and facebook

what a whirlwind

Hey everyone, life's been pretty crazy recently and I'm going to have to change how I post. When I started blogging again I was trying to update at least once a week. As you can all see I've fallen far short of that mark, so now I'm just going to post occasionally. Of course the updates will still be posted on twitter and facebook.

I did mean to actually do a post over the Holidays, but I got caught up in the family trip, Christmas, and then I got sick on New Year's Day, and I'm still a bit sick. So I guess down to business for this post.

I started my break pretty stressed and a little depressed, looking forward to seeing my family, but dreading the inevitable drama of family gatherings. Really things went pretty well for the first few days, and the trip to Disneyland went pretty smoothly at first, we actually made it a full 48 hours without someone yelling or fighting. That changed pretty quickly when we went to go see a taping of Jay Leno and got there a few minutes later than we should have and didn't get in. Blame started flying and I put my battle tested plan of action into effect, I got the hell out of there and wandered around for about four or five hours, wondering when things would calm down enough for me to go back into the room, and if they had even noticed when I took off. I've learned that once the fight starts I'm pretty much invisible unless they want someone to take a side. When I got back to the room things had settled into an uneasy truce, but at least no one was yelling anymore. We finished the trip, with passive-aggresive attacks from both my parents, and I spent the next couple days just trying to keep as out of the way as possible. It went well right up until Christmas dinner, when things got a little weird again.

One things you need to understand about my family and family gatherings is that my family will tease about anything, so being able to judge the tension in a room is both useful and extraordinarily painful. This year the usual insults were thrown around, mostly with people laughing about them, and although I laughed dutifully at the ones thrown at me, I felt like each one was slowly cracking the mask I've carefully worn for the last twenty years around my extended family. It's part of the reason why I did what I did, something which, while justified, I feel guilty about. My cousin brought along her boyfriend, who seemed to be an average popular teen guy, convinced that he's the shit, and offended when someone doesn't do things his way. I get tired of people like this very, very, very, quickly so I was already into the this-guy-is-a-complete-douche-but-I--can-just-ignore-him-for-the-rest-of-the-day phase. At least I was right up until the point when my cousin said something, and he hit her for it. That's right the bastard actually hit her, in front of the family, on Christmas. Everything seemed to stop while we all took in what had just happened, I don't know what other people registered in that moment, but what I saw was the look on her face. Not surprise, but resignation, like she was used to this sort of treatment. Three things happened at once in the few short seconds after he hit her. One, her father and brothers stood up and started towards him. Two, plates, cups and food were all quickly pulled out of the way as everyone realized what exactly was about to happen. Three, my fist connected with his face and knocked him to the floor. As soon as that happened it seemed like everything snapped back to a normal speed and I stood there feeling a bit dazed, unable to really believe that I had just hit him. After that I pretty much just retreated while my dad set his nose and the rest of my family calmed her brothers down.

That pretty much fucked up my day right there. Most of my family kept congratulating me on taking action, but I still felt like shit for hitting him. Usually I would have just restrained him and thrown him out. Instead I just took out my frustrations for the past couple of days on him. I feel extremely shitty about hitting him, not because he didn't deserve it, but because I've worked so hard to keep myself under control, trying to get my emotions back into balance, and now I feel like I've let myself down. I tried to make up for it by hanging out with my cousins some more over the next few days, playing cards and board games. I even read a little bit of some old poetry I've written and never really had the guts to share with anyone. I even let my cousins kidnap me and watched twilight with them, and then listened to them discuss the books. A side note on my cousins, they don't worship the characters and actors the way that most fans seem to, they actually discuss the merits of the books, and the facets of characters. I'd probably have taken off but they actually got me curious enough to read the first novel. To my great surprise, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, I actually kinda enjoyed it. I know it's weird, but there's something about the way the book is written that just seems to keep it moving. I can't really describe it much more than that. Suspension of disbelief is pretty key when reading things or watching movies, and it's something that I often find other people can't seem to do. They get hung up on the details in fiction, rather than letting the story flow and introduce its own universe. But I've gotten a bit off track.

After hanging out with my cousins (which I will swear up and down that they kidnapped me and brainwashed me if you ask me in public, I gotta at least try and keep some of my credibility right?), I was feeling a bit better, I even managed to win a fair amount of money playing poker with my family. Things were starting to go pretty well, I got to hang out with Spencer, who I've known long enough I practically consider him family, even if I don't get to see him as often as I should, which is mostly my fault for having a mind that can't seem to keep track of time beyond what is happening directly in front of me. I also got a chance to see both Avatar and Sherlock Holmes, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed, and I don't really give a shit what others think about them, especially Avatar, I might make a whole post griping about the inability of some people to just enjoy the story. Everything was actually pretty good right up until New Year's Day, when I woke up, excited for 2010, and was hit with a sharp pain in my gut, vertigo, and nausea. I spent the next four days puking and curled up trying to get the pain to go away. Turns out I had a fever of over a hundred and two, and spent part of the time delirious while my family was out doing other things. A few of my cousins did come over to help me and I'm extremely grateful to them for doing so, even if we did watch twilight a few more times and my nails were painted, but I love them and they were trying to cheer me up so I forgive them. Of course standing was a bit of a problem for me sometimes I even had this bit of conversation with the floor.

Floor: Hey, dude. Uh, you're kinda heavy can you please get up?

Me: Whafuck? How the hell did I end up on the floor?

Floor: Oh hey, you're awake now please get off me, people are gonna think it's weird.

Me: Holy shit, did you just talk?

Floor: ...

Me: ... I don't think I'm gonna be going back to SLO today...

Yeah, that was Monday morning, and I still have no idea how I ended up face down on the floor.

So that pretty much catches everyone up to where I am right now, except for the events of the last few days. I got into SLO Thursday night and went to Farmer's, which was fun right up until I started to feel nauseated again. So I spent Friday unpacking a bit and trying to completely recover, and then went out Saturday to help judge a cooking competition for a couple of friends. The food was good, and my stomach had no problems with it, but more importantly to me was that got to meet some new people. One of whom I found I could talk with very easily and had a great time with. After the competition she joined a small group of my friends in going downtown to see Avatar again, and then we went back to her friend's place to watch Star Wars. I have to say, I was amazed at how much that just brightened my day. I felt awesome after meeting her, and I'd love to be friends with her, only I don't want to seem creepy and just knock on her door, so I'm kinda doing the little insecure head dance, but that's not really new. I went to bed last night feeling great, and slept without having a nightmare for the first time in months. Today was pretty good, I hung out with friends, and enjoyed having all my work done, right up until just a few hours ago when I suddenly felt my mood take a downward swing. I'm now filled with self-doubt. I just feel like I'm looking for a way out of a dark room where the walls keep retreating. Every now and then I'll meet someone who will provide me with a spot of illumination which will allow me to navigate sections without stumbling over the metaphorical furniture, but there are still gaps, huge areas of darkness that it seems like nothing can penetrate.

Back in SLO, feeling those SLO town blues

It's been a while since I updated this blog, something for which I apologize, I've just been a bit busy and confused lately. I guess a lot of it is just the fact that my life seems to just be coasting right now, stuck in limbo and I'm getting sick of it. Everything in my life seems to be at a distance, friends, family, school, relationships, all within reach but seeming to just slip beyond my fingers when I attempt to grasp them.

I'm glad to have the friends I do, but it sometimes seems like I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and I often feel like the outsider. Almost every time I go to visit someone, or to a party, I feel like everyone else is closer than I am. I don't know if there's any truth to it but it still upsets me.

My family is just as jumbled as ever, with my dad working odd hours so I rarely get to speak to him, and my mom who is constantly calling and trying to be supportive yet always ends up interrogating me when I don't have the exact answer she wants. Most recently is the argument over christmas gifts, no one in my family seems to know what they want which means everyone starts accusing the others of being difficult and not appreciating the gifts they get. Just once I'd like a Christmas to go down without a major fight over someone getting the wrong gift.

For anyone who's heard my history of dating should know that I'm not really the best at maintaing a relationship, or getting one when I want, it's starting to get to the point where relationships are fast becoming a thing of myth. I see other people pairing off or at least entering into their own arrangements while I've reached the point where I'll take just about anything if I can't seem to get the relationships I'd like. I know it sounds odd and and possibly a bit offensive, but I don't care anymore, I just can't bring myself to keep preparing to leap only to find that someone else is already there.

I guess it all piled up and led to this final bit, I can't get the classes I need. I've tried, I've struggled, I've been begging professors to let me into their sections, but unless something changes when I meet with my advisor tomorrow, I will be moving over to Cuesta so that I can get my required classes before trying to transfer back in. I've joked about wanting to graduate at some point but the truth is, I wasn't really joking, I've been worried about this for a while, and now it just looks like one more hurdle in my way. I know that I've tried to put on the smiling face and keep jumping through hoops, going over hurdles, and around obstacles to keep moving, but the truth is I'm tired of it all. I just want to be able to go to sleep content and unworried for once.

So that brings me to tonight, back in SLO, alone in my apartment with just the internet to keep me company. I was out with people earlier, but when they decided to go to the bars, I got left behind. Age is just one more obstacle that keeps me from connecting. It really sucks too, because I really needed to talk to someone tonight, just to get all this stuff off my chest, just to be able to tell someone and actually be listened to and get feedback. Instead I'm sitting here typing it all out. I feel pathetic right now, pathetic, alone, tired, and just longing for a true human connection. I love my friends, I truly do, but I don't know how to take risks anymore.

I've pulled back into my shell again for some reason, I want to just leap and tell people how I feel, hit on others, flirt, and be flirted with, but every time I do so, it's taken as a joke, a friendly gesture. Sometimes it is, but when I'm serious it hurts that I try to put myself out there and I get shot down off hand. Of course I then need to hide it so I laugh it off and put on a smile, maybe take a drink, and then proceed to be loud and boisterous, trying to look happy. The worst part of it all is that people buy into the act, and then forget. It's frustrating that people forget so easily, and that I can't reach out for help. I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid to tell people my problems, so many people don't understand, some dismiss them outright, and some look at me like I'm going to snap at any second. I find that the times at social events when I'm staring into space, trying to solve some of my problems, are increasing, and no one seems to notice. I guess I've become good at hiding, good at sneaking, good at making myself invisible, leaving parties, entering parties, moving throughout the social gatherings trying desperately to make a connection, and at the same time unable to drop the defenses which keep me separate.

I almost apologized for the depressed nature of this post, but I'm not sorry, not really, I'm sick of having to tell people I'm sorry for telling them something's wrong, so really I'm just depressed and a little angry and don't really care if you don't like the post. I would appreciate support, but I'm just so tired of carrying on alone.

Until Next Time, I just want to be held again.

twitterfeed testing

so apparently twitterfeed is now publishing to facebook, so here it goes, twitterfeed test one

Really, not even an apology?

So the justice refuses to apologise for his actions still. You can read the full story here, I'm still at a complete loss for words right now, I'm not really shocked by it, but I can't decide if that makes me more angry or if it's just another sad commentary on the state of the "New South"

Damn racism...

So this story was on CNN the other day, just thought I'd weigh in as a person of a multiethnic background.



I think the rationale for not performing the marriage ceremony was that interracial children are confused and mistreated. I really don't know what to say about it other than I am extremely pissed about this and if you see me in the next few days I may be in a state requiring lengthy rants about racism. Fair warning.

Until Next Time, Oh my god my body is so sore right now, I really really really shouldn't have gone running at 3:40 in the morning.... owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Time for something a little lighter

So I went browsing on youtube today and thought I'd share some of the music from one of my favorite artists, Sam Hart. So here's the embedded vid.



Oh and if you like the Mario Kart Love Song you can buy it on iTunes!!!!

A new book for my collection :)

I've been anticipating the arrival of Wil Wheaton's Memories of the future for the last few months, eagerly downloading each week's podcast and awaiting today. So when the book was released this afternoon I purchased it at Lulu.com and now await it sometime in the next week or so. I'm including a link to information about the book and podcast, and if you're like me you'll enjoy this book. As stated here is the link to much wonder and awesomeness!

Until Next Time, I'm in a scifi mood, so tonight I will watch SG-1 and eat takeout with anyone who wants to join in :)

Well let's see

Okay, so this day was going pretty well, things got done, weather wasn't horrible, felt pretty content, until I started listening to music and dancing around and started thinking about old friends and school dances, and all the old social events that I used to have. As we go into the fall and soon winter months the changing weather and colors just seem to remind me that I'm alone. As much as I can brush off the idea of being single and say that I enjoy not being too attached to a relationship, at night in the dark and cold I wish I had someone there with me. I just don't really feel hungry for anything, don't want to do much, just sit here and try to lose myself in something. I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I just disappeared, who would miss me? Who would notice? How long would anyone search for me? These questions really have no business being in my head most of the time but they still arise occasionally when I'm doing some mundane task, really I just want to curl up and cry when they come up, but I haven't cried in a while, I've tried but I just can't seem to do so.

I guess the point I was trying to make is that I want to speak my mind and my feelings out loud, but I'm just so scared of rejection and how it will change things. I'm a changer by nature, a catalyst in many situations, but I've always been afraid of change, the unknown is scary, but it's even worse when I can read a situation and still can't figure out a way to change it as it happens. I have answers for others but none for myself. I keep all the questions and can't seem to ever find satisfactory answers. I sometimes wonder if I even experience the same things that others do. I just want someone there with me, someone to hold, to trust, someone I can talk to and listen to, someone whose warmth I can share. I'm afraid of what change will happen if my feelings are not reciprocated, of the potential changes if they are and things fall apart. My relationship history isn't exactly spotless, some of them collapsing completely. I know I keep dancing around the issue, but really what else can I do? I'm almost always right on the edge of an issue and need a shove to get me into a situation. most conflicts between others I try and stay neutral until I have to choose a side, not because i want to be on the winning one, but because I like to know what all is going on with each party before choosing who I agree with. Once I've chosen a side I'll passionately defend it until proven wrong, but it's that initial bit that I hold onto for too long sometimes.

I know this post is a bit longer than usual but please bear with me for a little longer. I feel like this post is a little whiny, but I just need to get it out there, I can't keep doing things this way. I just feel like such a fraud whenever I avoid the issue, I have the opportunities right there in front of me an I always let them slip past, I can even feel them come and go, like waves. The advice I get is always the same. "Do what you feel is right." "Go for it." "Just tell them and let it fall as it may." " The worst that'll happen is they'll say no." It's just that worst is not the rejection, it's the awkwardness following it, the dancing on eggshells as each of you try and redefine your friendship, and if you can't the potential divide in friends, the fracturing of groups or voluntary exile. I feel like this situation is too familiar to me. I've watched it happen before, hell I've been in the middle of it, usually the guy who tries to keep people from getting out of hand and spreading the fight amongst everyone remotely connected to it. Really I guess the point I'm trying to make is I need a wingman here who has no vested interest in the other party, someone who I can be perfectly candid with before going in. I suppose I've already made up my mind, but I need someone there to support me if it doesn't go well, and that's where I fall down. Too many of our circles converge, and it causes more problems than I can adequately express in written word.

Until Next Time, it's times like this I wish telepathy existed so I could just show someone how I felt and adequately express my hopes and fears in their truest form.

editing html

So I got tired of my old layout and things getting so constricted, so here we are with a brand new edited html! enjoy it and hopefully this means that any vids I embed from now on won't get smooshed :) so once more enjoy the new series Stargate Universe!

Stargate Universe premiered last week, interesting enough, I'll probably continue to watch it, I'm embedding the video here for you to decide about it though :)

hmm...

So it's occurred to me since my last post that the problem of my nightmares could be solved if I just had someone with me. I'm not saying that I need someone to have sex with, though it would be nice... But rather that if I just had someone to sleep in close proximity to it might alleviate some of these problems. Partially because it just seems more secure with someone there. The comforting warmth of another body in the same bed fulfills the human need as social creatures for socialization and clan behavior. Humans are not meant to live in solitude, although it can provide a great deal of time for self-reflection and betterment, of course it's just my belief although there are anthropological, sociological, and psychological studies to back it up. Then again studies can be wrong. I apologize for the randomness of these posts, I just feel the need to type out what's on my mind right now and it's coming out a bit strangely at times. So yeah, my mind is a bit jumbled now and it's gonna be like this until I get a chance to fully collect my thoughts and stop feeling like I'm chasing them down a maze in the dark while blindfolded after being spun around.

Until Next Time, I've nothing witty to say, but I'm going to begin signing my posts, just seems appropriate.

-Lhocke

bad sleep and elvis

I didn't get the best night's sleep last night, seemed like my dreams were filled with all sorts of information that I couldn't really process. I just know that the over feeling I got from them was bad, mostly because I woke up shouting for the first time in a while. Since I can't remember what it was I guess I'll just forget about it for now, but it shook me up quite a bit. not really sure why I mention it, it seemed like it needed to be said when I started this post, but now it just seems like a moot point.

Anyway, onto the second part about Elvis, the supposed King. I recently watched cadillac records and I gotta say, I remembered why I don't really like Elvis. He stole practically everything he recorded and did. He ripped off Muddy Waters and Little Walter as well as several other great Blues musicians, and got credit for a new sound. Really I don't get the hype about him, he came and went just like any other musician, and left nothing behind but a lot of glitz and glamour, nothing original. You may disagree, but I just felt like I had to say it.

Until next time, waking up from a nightmare shouting is not fun in the least, anyone else ever experience it?

oh great, insomnia...

I neglected to mention one more side effect of these attacks, insomnia. most of you already know that i have it, but when these attacks happen it gets even worse, I haven't slept tonight, at all. Instead I've spent the night trying to sleep, tossing and turning. Sometimes I just wish I could stop thinking so much, I end up running loops in my head without any idea where it will end. And usually ends up with me worried about more things than I was when I started. I don't have much more to say than that right now, but I just had to.

panic attacks

I've had a few situations in the past where I have sudden panic attacks where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I have trouble breathing, I can't think, they usually go away if i can get out and just walk around for a while, or go for a drive where I can try and talk to someone until I calm down. Tonight I had one of the worst I've had in a while. I don't know what brought it on either, I was preparing to go out and suddenly couldn't stop shaking, and had trouble breathing. I tried to move but was almost completely paralyzed at first. I finally got myself moving and got into my car with the idea of going for a hike up Bishop Peak and trying to clear my mind, instead I ended up parked at the trail head sobbing and trying to figure out what to do. I've calmed down a bit now, but I'm still a little freaked out. I just don't know what to do. I want to write, but my hands are shaking so badly that I can't get it all out, and I can't think straight. I think that I may finally be buckling under the pressure, I may have burned out. I just want to leave, get on the road and leave everything behind, I know that my problems will follow, but I just need to be somewhere that isn't here. I need to be in the company of friends, I need to just talk to someone face to face, to hold someone. I just can't take this much longer, I feel like I'm drowning, reaching desperately for something to grab onto and stay afloat. Realistically I don't know what I'm doing anymore, or what i'll be able to do in the future. I'm just not as sure as I once was, things have gotten cloudy for me recently. I've misread people and situations recently that I wouldn't have in the past. I feel lost and unsure, and it's just one more thing that I used to have to help me that's begun to fail. My memory and my judgement have been clouded and without them I'm completely lost. I know that I keep saying I don't know and I feel lost, but I can't help it. In the most clear terms I don't have any idea of what the hell is going on or what to do about it.

Until next time, if you're nearby please I need some time and some help with what's going on. I just can't handle all this in my head

well that's interesting

Hmm... I've noticed that while I get a lot of page views I get very few comments here which makes me wonder a bit who's actually reading. I received a single email about my last post, one which I am very grateful for, but no comments on the actual page. I will continue to write up here, but I can't really say that the response has been particularly motivating. That's pretty much all I've got to say today, but I do wonder how many people have actually been reading...

Until Next Time, it's hotter than hell here now, seriously peaking at about 110-111 today? Ridiculous...

Holy shit...

So today I thought I'd go back and close out some of my old blogs considering that no one really reads them anymore, but before I did I figured I'd dig through all my old posts for fun and see my opinions on things and how they've changed. What I found wasn't anywhere near as fun as I thought it would be. I realized I don't remember high school. Not just the trivial things, I don't fucking remember writing the things I did, I don't remember faces, I can't recall the sequence of things. I do recall some very vague memories, some names, overall concepts of classes, where we ate lunch. But overall I have huge blank spots in my memory. I knew that I'd forgotten some things, a little more than I should have, but nowhere near this extent of things. It scared the shit out of me to be honest. I used to rely on my memory for everything, I could remember all the little things, I knew dates and times, places, names, faces, entire conversations, now I just recall random facts, things I have no idea where I picked them up, or how I learned them. I sit at a computer and start working on some random thing and suddenly I've solved the problem or a memory I know isn't mine pops up. I just don't know what the fuck is happening to me. I wish I could recall things better, I don't know how to do so though. I don't even know if I can blame this on the meds, I know I can blame some of it on the meds, but how much? And how long until I can't remember it at all? Will I be able to recall what little I do in a few years? If I forget it will I still be the same person? How can I make decisions if I don't know what's happened. Will the person currently known as me even exist outside a physical shell in the future?

I don't pretend to have all the answers, all I know is that I have a choice to make, let it all go, stop worrying about it and press forward on one path to discovering my true self or try and reclaim that which, up to this point, made me who I am. I know that seems a bit paradoxical, but what I mean is, do I keep moving forward and let the past go while working to calm the storm in my mind by gently moving the things that cause the problems aside, or do I look back and try to recover the things that will help me understand what is happening. Both have their merits, but I just can't decide, I feel like I'm approaching a point where I'll need to make this choice and it may involve a drastic lifestyle change. As always I'd love it if you guys weighed in on the subject either in a post or in an email to lhocke89@gmail.com.

Until Next Time, I feel like I'm walking towards the edge, I just don't know if it's time to run and throw myself off and see what's next, or if I should just stop and turn around. For now I'll just keep smiling, but the decision is going to be coming soon I fear

*EDIT* I forgot to say RIP Senator Ted Kennedy, your contributions to this world will be remembered and you will be missed.

Late night talks with good friends

So, last night/this morning, I received a pleasant surprise which has made the entirety of my recent misfortune ebb away. I received a message from a good friend I hadn't talked to in nearly a year, and amazingly we were able to carry on a rather lengthy conversation about our lives. In all we talked for almost eight hours, something that never happens with me, usually I run out of things to say within the first few minutes of a conversation, but for some reason we just connect when we talk. This happy occurrence has given me cause to talk about my friends and what I have to appreciate and be thankful for.

I want to thank all my friends who have been there for me in the past and put up with all my faults and problems. I know that I haven't always been the easiest person to work with, or live with, or even deal with at times, and I am trying to change that. Really I'm just glad that you have all stuck through it with me, especially those who have been there with me when I've stood at the edge and stared into the darkest parts of myself, contemplating the perceived futility of my actions. Those of you who weren't able to be there with me, I understand why, and I harbor no ill will towards you. I do understand that it has strained my relationships with people, and cost me some potential friends or loves, but I also hope that you understand that I spend each day fighting with two demons, each trying to destroy me in a different way. Living with Bipolar Disorder is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Some people think, and have told me, that it is nothing major and everyone has mood swings. While true that most people experience mood swings it is difficult to describe just how painful it is to go to sleep unable to tell if you'll wake up stable, manic, or too depressed to move.

The worst part of having this disease is not the lack of an actual cure, or the uncertainty of how you will react or behave, it's the ignorance of others that hurts the most. Every time I meet someone I can't tell them I'm Bipolar, and those that I do don't always accept it. I've had people cut off contact entirely, or watch me like I'm suddenly going to attack them, but the worst are the people who look at me as though I'm going to infect them with something. In today's supposedly enlightened world and society it seems that the disabled or ill are always relegated to a substandard view. Struggling with myself everyday to keep it together, it hurts more than most could imagine to hear someone say that I shouldn't be here. I have just as much right to be attending college as anyone else, and telling me that I'm not suited for it does nothing to help me. Sometimes I wonder just when I'm going to get my break, when are things going to ease up on me and let me get back on my feet.

My life has always seemed wonderful to people who only know me by reputation, or just know my parents, but beneath the carefully constructed facade and the masks that I wear I've been fighting my own demons for a long time.

My Trip and The Doctors

hey everyone, I'm back from LA, Pasadena, and Oakland, with a good deal of things that have happened, mostly they are good, but tonight I feel like I should just put up a couple of those that aren't so great, and we'll get to the good ones next time. Sorry if you were expecting an uplifting post, I just don't have it in me right now to do so. The trip itself was off to a bit of a rocky start when my train broke down before it left the station and we were relegated onto a bus into LA. The trip down wan't awful, I actually got a really nice view of teh clouds, but it's what happened once I hit Anaheim that started things off badly. I was changing my shirt when my dad noticed a spot on my side which had originally been a birthmark was now raised and irregularly shaped and colored. Of course he tells me I need to get it checked out ASAP, which was monday. I made the appointment, and prepared to spend the rest of the week enjoying myself. A couple days later I nearly collapsed with a massive headache and was unable to see anything in a way that made sense. I recovered and made it back to my hotel, but I was starting to get worried. On Monday I got to the doctor's and he basically looked at it, and said, "well I don't know, it's a tumor, but i'm not certain if it's malignant." Feeling a little better I asked what I should do, he basically just looked at me and said I need to consult with someone and he'd set up an appointment. The next doc then referred me to Dermatology to have it removed and analyzed. That third doctor looked at it, made a small hmm and then cut it off. She couldn't tell if it was cancerous, so now I'm waiting until next week to find out if it's good news or bad. The wait made me completely sick to my stomach yesterday, and although I'm feeling a little better today, the wound is healing slowly and hurts terribly. The one bright spot about all this is that it started to rearrange my priorities, I decided that I should stop being scared of telling people how I feel, and start working on some things that I'd set down and almost forgotten. Of course the universe loves to laugh at me and these plans were put once more on indefinite hold. So now I'm still in a holding pattern, once more circling and looking for a place to land, my port in the storm, or any other number of cliches that you may wish to throw at me. I suppose most of it right now is I just need some support now to get me through this, whether I'm sick or not. It's scared the hell out of me, and I feel like I'm staring again into a blackness that I thought I had locked away for a very long time. I have been getting back in touch with old friends though, so that's good, and I'm trying to be on AIM a bit more often than I have been in a while. So please, feel free to pick up the phone and call me, or email me, or text me, or IM me, I look forward to hearing from you

Until Next Time, I'm clinging to threads of my life and feeling it spiral again, I need someone to reach out a hand, and keep me from my fall.

Well after a few mishaps...

> Okay everyone, I've finally reached th final leg of my trip into
> anaheim after an aparent mechanical problem forced usbto take a bus
> from SLO to LA's Union Station. The ruse wasn't bad as far as bus
> trips go, but definitely not the best way to travel. I did have a
> very nice view of the clouds all the way down which was very nice.
> So I guess anquicm recap is in order, I spent the night on the couch
> of a friend so that I would actually be awake in time to catch my
> train, ended up falling asleep sometime after two this morning, and
> surprisingly slept pretty comfortably. I then woke up at 6 and ate a
> quick breakfast before being driven to the train station by Brian,
> so thanks very much for that! :) as I type this we are currently
> headed south, so I should arrive in Anaheim very soon, then it's
> time for Disneyland! I'll email in a few more updates probably,
> though they will definitely be short, not much I can type quickly in
> an email, my thumbs get tired :( also you cna follow menon Twitter
> where I will be posting regularly my screenname is @lhocke
>
> Until next time, enjoy this summer weather and those of you on the
> semester schedule enjoy these last few weeks of summer!
>
> P.s as always my phone is on so feel free to call, text or email me
> anytime! I'll get back to you as soon as I get some time :)

Ahhhhh, summer vacation

So, tomorrow morning I'm headed out to the train station at 6:30 AM for a 6:45 AM train to Anaheim where I will be going to Disneyland with my family, followed by a return to the Bay where, hopefully, I will be able to procure tickets to the soccer game in ATT Park on Saturday night, followed by Singin' in the Rain at Woodminster on Sunday. Then monday I'll be going to the dentist, the optometrist, and to transfer the title on my Grandmother's 2000 Toyota Camry to my name. I will be returning to SLO on the 11th, with the car. So basically the next week is going to be a littel hectic, but fun, so give me a call or text me if you want to hang out this weekend while I'm back, or if you want to come down to SLO anytime. That's pretty much it for right now, I'm crashing on a friend's couch tonight so he can drive me to the train station. I'll post again when I get back, not sure if I'll have a decent internet connection while in the hotel.

Until Next Time, I'm glad to see more people are jumping on the twitter bandwagon and I hope that more of you will consider joining in! follow me @Lhocke

HARRY POTTER!!!!

Hey everyone, been a little while, and I've been busy having fun and class. So the other day I took a break from it all and went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince, which was only the third Harry Potter movie that I've seen. The acting was great, the story phenomenal, the cinematography and effects were the best I've seen in any of the series, and while the script was a little iffy, it was still wonderful. I recently reread the books, and the movie definitely held true to the story. I was absolutely blown away by the cinematography, beautiful sweeping shots of the countryside, an amazing effect watching a cave go from darkness and lit to reveal a vast cavern, and some wonderful steadicam shots and great visual contrast. I find it hard to review the film without giving anything away, so as much as I'd love to talk about all the special effects for the spells, I just can't bring myself to spoil it! So instead, I'll move on to the acting, which was wonderful in this installment. A great deal of humour came from the continued awkwardness of Ginny and Harry, as well as Ron and Hermione. Rupert Grint, Daniel Radcliffe, Bonnie Wright, and Emma Watson are all fantastic in their roles, and all come off very naturally in their roles. One especially wonderful bit happens when Ron (Rupert Grint) eats laced chocolate intended for Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) and falls under the effects of the love potion and becomes infatuated with a girl he has never met, as well as the moon. I really loved teh movie so much that I'm going to see it again, probably this weekend and I hope on a bigger screen, so if anyone wants to join in please feel free to do so. I highly recommend this film to everyone, the characters are much more fully developed than they have been in the past, and the visual effects were simply amazing! My one regret about the film was that it wasn't longer. I wish that it there had been another hour, or maybe a split in this film to make it two parts. I really did love it that much. So again I highly recommend that you go see it!

Until next time, I'm done with summer school this afternoon so I'l be trying to update a bit more often than I have been, I'll also be online more often now that I should have some more free time.

p.s. This post was originally supposed to have gone up on the 15th so you can see just how backed up I am in my work :-/

Welp, I wasn't gonna do this but...

*sigh* It's early in the morning but I'm up and watching Viva Blackpool, and exchanging tweets with Jeff. So instead of getting some sleep, but considering it's the weekend it's okay I guess. Okay, so let's get right down to it shall we?

Last weekend I saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with Jeff, who is a pretty awesome guy, and an awesome friend to see it with. Pretty much the movie was okay, not great but not completely awful, as long as you look at it as an action movie. The action and the explosions were pretty awesome to start but by the end it was just boring, it basically became explosion, explosion, explosion, gunfire, gunfire, explosion, dialogue, more mayhem. Really that was the entire movie, lots of action and explosions, a decent idea for a plot, good CGI, a crappy script, mediocre acting, and Megan Fox's inexplicable ability to get through every disaster without a scrape, bruise, or even a speck of dirt sticking to her. Whilst joking around with some people the other day someone joked that she must be covered with the same coating as the cars, and if you see the movie you'll understand why it applies. She manages to go through the largest explosions completely untouched while Shia LaBeouf gets the shit beaten out of him constantly. Of course that's just one of the strange things about this film. The film is also nowhere near the family friendly film the first one was in both action and dialogue. The previously clean language of the characters is replaced with much more explicit language, the words bitch, asshole, and fuck tend to crop up at moments that seriously call into question the skills of the writer. While the first half of the film was decent, giving us some character development and tension between characters, of course the enjoyment wears of after the first 20 minutes or so, mostly because everything is so overdone and annoying. Anyone who was in a relationship at the end of high school and went to different college should recognise the awkwardness of the situation, but the movie milks it, using it as an excuse to set up the inevitable temptation of Sam, by a girl who is definitely attractive, but follows him rather like a stalker, sorry, not really my cup of tea, thank you very much. Anyway turns out that after pissing off his girlfriend by not showing up for their online date because he was at a frat party, he basically gets jumped by this girl, and surprise, she's a fembot. After that it goes downhill quickly, lots of explosions, but that's it. Nothing else of note really happens. And by now if you've read any other reviews you should know about what is probably the funniest part of the film, when Sam's mom unknowingly eats a pot brownie, resulting in some mild hilarity. Overall I say that if you really must see it, wait for the DVD release, then find someone with a big screen and a good sound system. Trust me you'll be happier and your wallet will thank you as well.

Until next time, Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans, and anyone else, have a great weekend. Next time I'll review Public Enemies and have tales of the week. Take care everyone!

testing out a new feed

Nothing really exciting tonight folks, I know I've promised reviews but right now I'm a bit tired so I'm just trying to get an RSS aggregator that'll work on Facebook, while trying something new with my current twitterfeed.

Until next time, have a wonderful fourth of July! Happy Independence to everyone here in the USA

just a quickie

Okay, just a quick little blog post, had an awesome weekend, wrote some, hung out with friends a lot, saw Transformers 2 (review up soon), impulsively went to Morro bay with Brian and Jen at 9 pm on saturday, followed by an 11 o'clock run to in 'n out until 1, watching reefer madness until 3:30 or 4, collapsing on my bed, getting up at 12 on sunday, getting lunch at Tim's, hanging out, Costco run (thanks Jen! =D), semi-impulsively going to Avila Beach with Brian, Jen, and Em, running into the ocean, swinging at the beach coming back to SLO and getting dinner at 8:30, returing to my place with most of the stuff from Costco, crashing again at 10. All in all a good weekend, I do wish I wasn't up so early, but meh, not so bad. I've checked the poll results and currently 4 votes for being both emotionally and physically close without a relationship, 1 for physical only, and 4 for emotional only. None of you who have voted thus far believe that these connections constitute a relationship (for the sake of disambiguation, relationship here means a romantic relationship, and though I might not have made it clear, when it says physically close, it means sex, just in case you didn't get that. Again, I ask that anyone who voted, if you wish, to comment on why you voted the way you did, or send an email to lhocke89@gmail.com

Until next time, me brain feels like it's on fire when I write, good? bad? not sure, but when I've got a couple hundred words of creativity down it feels pretty awesome =D

P.S. There's still almost a full day left to vote before the poll closes, a new one will go up the day after probably

ZOMBIES!!!!!!

OK so yesterday I promised a post about the zombie apocalypse, this morning I woke up with my mind bursting with a plot for said zombie apocalypse, so now I'm writing a story on that, call it a relief project. Thus far I have seven main characters, four of whom sadly must die, but three will definitely survive. Of course, following my normal incomplete process, I only have names for six of the seven characters... But that's beside the point unless any of you have a strong female name I can use?

But anyway, some of you have heard the theory i have jokingly proposed in conversations about zombies, where the first stop is a gun store, followed by a hardware warehouse, and then to Costco. Really it would be a pretty good way to live it out as long as you have a large enough group of people to grab all the guns and ammo, then send one group to secure Costco and another larger one to procure supplies from the hardware store to reinforce the doors and generators for more power. Of course, this is all well and good, but I'm not going to let my characters have it that easy at all }:-> I hate to put them in a mall, as it's really a seriously clichéd place to hide out, but that's where they may end up, school is out of the question, too many windows, not enough cover, and almost impossible to barricade, warehouse is good, but like I said too easy. So now it probably is a mall unless I have a sudden flash about somewhere better, military base maybe, that one'll let me have soldier zombies =D But anyway, I still need one more name, Kelly was suggested, but it doesn't quite feel right, not sure what will, but I'm still developing her backstory so maybe she'll give me her own name.

Until next time, hehe converting aspects of one's friends into archetypes is fun *sly smile*

*EDIT: Okay since first posting this people have also suggested Kait and Norah, I like both the names, but can't justify creating another female character. I have four guys, and three girls, which works out well in terms of pairing, as one guy must be the one desiring a girl who desires the emotionally unavailable guy. hmm, guess at this point I'm still working on a backstory for all of them, which likely no one but myself will ever see*

*EDIT #2: Alright I've started writing, currently I'm about 1300 words in, not as far as I had hoped to get this weekend, but the weather demanded friends and the beach, so who am I to deny such impulses? Anyway, at this point, they aren't zombies but people who I think I'll be calling The Infected. Also as much as I didn't want to put them in a mall, it's really the only thing that's gonna work out with my current plotline, but a decent chunk of the story is leading up to the mall scenes, so it's not a "Hey we're running from zombies, look we're in a mall, oh hey there's stuff to fight with, oh no they're getting in, oh damn we're fucked" kind of book. Hopefully it'll be pretty established what's happened by the time they're blocked off, other than that, y'all will have to wait a bit and see what is actually going to happen to each character ;) one last little tidbit though, when I finally get this done and sent out, getting attached to any one character may make you said }>:-) hehehe, I'm so mean to my characters sometimes...*