I feel so alone again

*sigh* i guess I should be sleeping but after being around my friends and feeling pretty good it just suddenly hit me as I walked back to my apartment alone, I'm tired of coming back to an empty apartment and having only myself to be with. Without anyone close by to talk to or even just feel the presence of another human being, I'm left to stew in my own thoughts, and they always seem to turn darkest at three predictable times, Valentine's day, the beginning of summer, and Christmas. I know, kind of a weird list but all with their own reasons, first V-Day or Singles' Awareness Day (SAD) hurts because I never seem to find a date for it, usually I can't even get a group of single's together for a chance to just laugh together and take my mind off of it. Christmas I dread because it means an extended period of keeping secret's under the guise of holiday cheer, it also just feels false to smile at everyone who comes over and pretend that everything is alright, Sometimes I just want to scream at the world and let it all out, all the pain and pent up anger, frustration, secrets. It's toxic to hold onto, but letting it go is so hard, because there is just so much of it. When it comes to summer i guess it's just a little strange, sumer should be a time of happiness and fun, but to me summers are marred in much the same way as Christmas. I have extended periods of time in which I'm required to bottle up everything that I am and pull on a mask and costume of who I am to my parents and relatives. I remember family trips with a great hope at the beginning that always fades into frustration and regret. Summer also marks a time of sadness for me, every time the end of school approaches it's a reminder of my grandfather's death. It's hard to describe what else causes it, partially my weird brain, but it still just makes me want to lie down and give up sometimes.

Anyway the point of my writing this post was to try and put down what it is I'm feeling tonight. I love my friends and am so glad to have them around, I do wish that some of my older friends were in my life more but there is always so much getting in the way, I hold no grudges on that point, but my friends aren't always near me, and that's where part of the problem starts. I'm fine with other people around, but without them I have very little support for myself. I'm not saying that all I do on my own is sit and mope, I do get out, exercise, shop, hike by myself, and that's all well and good, but it's the knowledge that at the end of the day, I'm sleeping alone, there is no one I'll meet up with at my place and just hang with or cuddle with, no one who's place I'd really feel good about just crashing at. Maybe some of my friends wouldn't mind, but I'm not the kind to try and impose that on anyone. I guess really right now I just feel a bit like my personal relationships are spinning out of control all around me I see people who are looking at summer romances, beginning to consider who they want to pair off with. I'm happy for them all but it leaves me alone still. I often get phone calls, texts, and emails from people who are having all sorts of relationship drama, and I'm willing to help out, to listen to these problems and give any insights I might have, I can even laugh about them sometimes, but it just underscores something that I don't have. It seems like right now everyone I look at is either unwilling to enter a relationship, eyeing someone else, already taken, or not interested. (NOTE: This does not apply to the vast majority of you who may be reading this.) I just don't know what to do at this point I'm conflicted, happy for everyone who are entering relationships, or have that secret crush, but also tired of having only my crushes, or short relationships which are doomed from the beginning. I'm also holding so many secrets of others it feels like I'm going to explode sometimes. I've already stopped going to two therapists because all that happened was I felt guilty about my choices, one of them tried to tell me I could change who I was genetically coded to be (stopped seeing him as soon as I left his office that day). So now I'm left without a therapist, with pills that are slowly losing there usefulness, a deep sense of depression, and an empty space of time in which I'll take classes, try and see my friends and then return at night to this same cozy piece of my personal hell. I just really really need a hug and a shoulder to cry on right now