just a quickie

Okay, just a quick little blog post, had an awesome weekend, wrote some, hung out with friends a lot, saw Transformers 2 (review up soon), impulsively went to Morro bay with Brian and Jen at 9 pm on saturday, followed by an 11 o'clock run to in 'n out until 1, watching reefer madness until 3:30 or 4, collapsing on my bed, getting up at 12 on sunday, getting lunch at Tim's, hanging out, Costco run (thanks Jen! =D), semi-impulsively going to Avila Beach with Brian, Jen, and Em, running into the ocean, swinging at the beach coming back to SLO and getting dinner at 8:30, returing to my place with most of the stuff from Costco, crashing again at 10. All in all a good weekend, I do wish I wasn't up so early, but meh, not so bad. I've checked the poll results and currently 4 votes for being both emotionally and physically close without a relationship, 1 for physical only, and 4 for emotional only. None of you who have voted thus far believe that these connections constitute a relationship (for the sake of disambiguation, relationship here means a romantic relationship, and though I might not have made it clear, when it says physically close, it means sex, just in case you didn't get that. Again, I ask that anyone who voted, if you wish, to comment on why you voted the way you did, or send an email to lhocke89@gmail.com

Until next time, me brain feels like it's on fire when I write, good? bad? not sure, but when I've got a couple hundred words of creativity down it feels pretty awesome =D

P.S. There's still almost a full day left to vote before the poll closes, a new one will go up the day after probably

ZOMBIES!!!!!!

OK so yesterday I promised a post about the zombie apocalypse, this morning I woke up with my mind bursting with a plot for said zombie apocalypse, so now I'm writing a story on that, call it a relief project. Thus far I have seven main characters, four of whom sadly must die, but three will definitely survive. Of course, following my normal incomplete process, I only have names for six of the seven characters... But that's beside the point unless any of you have a strong female name I can use?

But anyway, some of you have heard the theory i have jokingly proposed in conversations about zombies, where the first stop is a gun store, followed by a hardware warehouse, and then to Costco. Really it would be a pretty good way to live it out as long as you have a large enough group of people to grab all the guns and ammo, then send one group to secure Costco and another larger one to procure supplies from the hardware store to reinforce the doors and generators for more power. Of course, this is all well and good, but I'm not going to let my characters have it that easy at all }:-> I hate to put them in a mall, as it's really a seriously clichéd place to hide out, but that's where they may end up, school is out of the question, too many windows, not enough cover, and almost impossible to barricade, warehouse is good, but like I said too easy. So now it probably is a mall unless I have a sudden flash about somewhere better, military base maybe, that one'll let me have soldier zombies =D But anyway, I still need one more name, Kelly was suggested, but it doesn't quite feel right, not sure what will, but I'm still developing her backstory so maybe she'll give me her own name.

Until next time, hehe converting aspects of one's friends into archetypes is fun *sly smile*

*EDIT: Okay since first posting this people have also suggested Kait and Norah, I like both the names, but can't justify creating another female character. I have four guys, and three girls, which works out well in terms of pairing, as one guy must be the one desiring a girl who desires the emotionally unavailable guy. hmm, guess at this point I'm still working on a backstory for all of them, which likely no one but myself will ever see*

*EDIT #2: Alright I've started writing, currently I'm about 1300 words in, not as far as I had hoped to get this weekend, but the weather demanded friends and the beach, so who am I to deny such impulses? Anyway, at this point, they aren't zombies but people who I think I'll be calling The Infected. Also as much as I didn't want to put them in a mall, it's really the only thing that's gonna work out with my current plotline, but a decent chunk of the story is leading up to the mall scenes, so it's not a "Hey we're running from zombies, look we're in a mall, oh hey there's stuff to fight with, oh no they're getting in, oh damn we're fucked" kind of book. Hopefully it'll be pretty established what's happened by the time they're blocked off, other than that, y'all will have to wait a bit and see what is actually going to happen to each character ;) one last little tidbit though, when I finally get this done and sent out, getting attached to any one character may make you said }>:-) hehehe, I'm so mean to my characters sometimes...*

Well now that the internet is back a new post!

For anyone who doesn't know, my cable and internet went out yesterday afternoon, and I suddenly realized how empty my apartment is without the them. It was quite depressing, and I couldn't do anything about it because I had work to get done. So when the cable company agreed to send out a tech this morning I was pretty happy about it, until my time window passed and no one had shown up, so there went my morning. After three more calls to Charter they finally agreed to track down the tech and found out someone had said the problem was fixed. I spent about twenty minutes explaining that I still had no service, only to have them argue back that the computer said it was fixed... I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle someone. When the tech finally got here he checked the box, tried to call his supervisor and got put on hold. So finally he just went to the main junctions and found that yesterday someone else pulled the connection for my neighbors and included mine in the disconnect >:-(. but long story short he got me hooked up again and back to my vices, but now I really feel the need to be out there with people, so anyone who is in SLO please, please, please let me know when y'all are available so we can hang out, it gets boring downtown by myself.

until next time, hmm... I wonder what to do now about getting food, and anyonw who want to come by tonight is always welcome to

well, I'm posting for the sake of posting tonight

I just feel like rambling a bit tonight, so bare with me for a bit. It's summertime and the weather is good most of the time, sometimes a little overcast which sucks when bike and foot are your only methods of transportation. That should be solved sooner than later however as plans for my motorcycle license continue to move forward as I have now found another person interested in taking the course this summer. So once I've gotten that taken care of the next problem is actually getting my hands on a motorcycle to ride. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but getting my license would be pretty awesome. In other news, if you're here in SLO I'll be having a party on thursday night, and probably several others in the coming months, but if you're available and interested just give me a call and I'll get you the details. Other little pieces of what's going on here, it's pretty lax, not much going on here. I've applied for a few jobs, but haven't heard back on any of them yet, so it's pretty boring right now. I know I promised to have a bit of my writings available soon, but I've hit a snag and I'm trying to work around some creative issues, so as soon as I can get m mind back on track with the story it'll begin again. I've also discovered a wonderful new TV show from Showtime called Nurse Jackie. Awesome new hospital show, centered around a nurse whose life is falling apart and how she deals with her job, addiction, and family. The show is funny and thoughtful which is pretty awesome considering it's only a half hour long. I highly recommend that if you get Showtime that you watch it, if you don't hopefully you can pick it up when it's released on DVD. So a short post tonight, I'll have more coming of course, including an update of my review of the Hangover with a more in-depth description of the movie.

Until next time, anyone who wants to go paintballing this summer it's on!

Year One = Fail

Okay, usually I review films the day after I see them, unless it's completely awesome or it just fails horribly. Year One is a case of the latter. After seeing The Hangover last night, I was sorely disappointed in this film. I'm not certain where to begin in this review, but I guess I'll start with casting. I'm a fan of Jack Black, usually an underrated actor in my opinion, but in this film he's just awful, then of course there's Michael Cera, an actor who I think has a very very limited range of characters. He's only able to play the awkward, shy, guy who is unable to win the girl which, while endearing in films like Juno and Nick & Nora, just gets annoying. The whole film I wanted to scream at him to man up and do something, take a stance, punch the heinously disgusting high priest in the face instead of slathering him with oil. Which brings me to the writing, it just wasn't very memorable, I chuckled at parts, but no real laugh out loud, side-hurting laughter. The jokes were okay, but for the most part it was making fun of biblical figures and not much else. Probably one of the most confusing parts of the movie was the progression between the ages with only the passage of a few weeks. Really the plot was weak, two guys get kicked out of their home and on a journey to find and redeem themselves, big woop it's been used to many times, they find out the world is much bigger than they imagined and in their first encounter with the outside world, they see Cain murder Abel. Up to this point the movie is okay, not great but okay, some laughs and one horribly awful shit-eating moment. Then of course we meet Noah and Cain has an adolescent lashout over dinner when asked about Abel, despite the fact that he's got to be in his mid to late twenties, not cool. From there it just kind of slowly goes downhill, we meet Abraham as he's about to sacrifice Isaac, Jack Black claims to be an agent of God to save him, there's a few circumcision jokes, some Sodom/Las Vegas jokes, and then just a whole bunch of hey we're in Sodom, we have power, we're slaves again, hey we have power again, nope we don't, hey look at that Michael Cera got the girl, and then of course, wait what that's the end? Not a "I really wanted more" that's the end, but more of a "I'm not quite sure what the hell just happened in the last hour and a half. There's a lot of of comedy talent in this film, just not much of it actually makes it out, then of course there's two scenes I wanted to just puke, actually started gagging at one point, and a whole lot of hey we're in sodom so we have to make veiled gay jokes. I say if you really want to see this film, rent it, or better yet borrow it from someone else who rents it. It's just a bad film, it had potential, definitely had talented actors, but it fell flat. Biggest disappointment is Michael Cera, seriously the guy just needs to get some different roles and stop mumbling! Overall, if you skip this film, you aren't missing much of anything.

until next time, I wonder what would happen if you mixed chocolate, pineapple, graham crackers, oranges, strawberries and bananas, for some reason it sounds delicious...

"The Hangover!"

Okay, so I just got back from seeing the hangover and now must share it's awesomeness. First off let me say I had my reservations about this film, nothing against it really just I'm not a huge fan of comedy. I was expecting something that would make me laugh, but nothing really memorable, but I was pleasantly surprised. I laughed my ass off the entire time, so much so that I'm going to have to see it a second time to actually try and hear the lines. The casting was awesome, the script well written, although some of the jokes were placed to close together so the laughter covered them, and the plot was phenomenal. Is it Oscar material, probably not, but it is good quality entertainment that was pretty amazing. I don't like giving away too much in a review, but the easiest thing to say is that if you've seen the commercials you've got the idea of the movie. It's not really deep or inspiring, and it doesn't pretend to be, the whole movie is set up as a joke, and it succeeds completely. I give it two thumbs up, or some witty form of ranking that I'll come up with later, much too tired right now to do so. One little warning though, if you see this film, which I highly recommend you do, be warned that at the end of the film during the credits there are some pictures that may offend, disgust, or freak out some people. Just saying, you're warned. Anyway, The Hangover is playing now, and I definitely recommend you see it now and buy it on DVD when it comes out, easily tied with UP for my favorite film of the season.

Until next time, if you see the film and you party, you should empathize with Stu when he wakes up on the floor of the hotel room, the camera shot tells it all

a 2nd post today?!

Okay so some of you are going to know what I'm talking about, others aren't, but you'll probably know anyway before to long. I was going through a bunch of stuff today, and started thinking about changing my profile page on facebook, but for some reason I really couldn't do it, kinda like how I keep freezing whenever I try and tell my parents. goddamnmotherfuckingbastard. Any questions, comments, or just random bits welcome.

until next time, happy fluffy things are going to get some serious hurt tonight >:-(

why is there no bus service after 7?

Okay, so this has been bothering me for a bit, I've been going to shabbat services on Friday nights at the local reform congregation, but it's becoming a real pain to get back. Riding my bike there is pretty simple because it's mostly downhill, but riding uphill in a suit for a few miles just isn't fun. With this in mind I decided it would be a great idea to catch a bus home, of course in SLO that's not an option as the buses stop running after 7, so I can take the bus there, but once services start the bus stops running. I don't want to take a taxi home, because it's just annoying to have to pay for something so simple. Of course I could carpool, but I haven't met anyone who lives near me. So yes that's today's gripe, I want to get to temple and back easily, but I can't, stupid SLO city council.

Until next time, every day I feel the need to get my motorcycle license more... either that or get a car

I think my body is punishing me...

So I decided at the beginning of this month to lose weight, gain muscle and start training for a half-marathon or triathlon in the next two years, extremely ambitious, but hopefully attainable. I've been working out to try and do this, felt great until today when suddenly my body decided that working out for four hours a day, sometimes more, that I should begin to suffer. I woke up this morning almost completely unable to move and, to use a cliché, aching in places I didn't even know I had. So today I'm going to scrap the planned bike ride and jog, and instead maybe go for a leisurely ride and a walk. If I had the money I would love to go to the spa for a nice massage and relaxation day, but alas this is not so, and I'd feel weird alone. So yes two things in there, one if you'd like to join me for a day of relaxation this summer please do, and two if you'd like to help me train, please do :) Other than that I don't have much else to say right now, other than my tan is looking nicer, and hopefully I'll be in shape enough soon to get to the beach and help it along

until next time, I loves me my advil

It's back!!!

Well I'm overjoyed to once again have my laptop in my possession after the past 5 days it was being serviced. Yes I realize how geeky that sounds, and yes I really did feel like there was a hole in my life without it, so I though I'd take a moment to comment on the rather sad state of socializing in today's society. I did get out of my apartment and hang out with friends, even had a few down here yesterday from out of town, but at the same time I felt like I was missing connections that exist only in cyberspace, I have now doubt that my WoW guild is probably freaking out and will virtually yell at me when I sign on, i will undoubtedly be blamed for failed raids for lack of a healer or DPS (yes more nerd speak here, but please it's a nerd post, what did you expect?). At this point I don't even know if it's worth logging back on to WoW, I'm kind of enjoying life without it, but I know that it will inevitably suck me back in, it's like a bad drug you just can't stop using. OK so that's that little tidbit, other than that I just realised I don't have anything to really complain about other than no pandora, but that's not really a big deal, although i did have to resort to using vista *soul withers and dies a bit* really the worst part of that was i was trying to write something and the machine decided to update and reboot, so like an idiot I hadn't saved yet and spent the next two hours trying to put together what I'd just written so that sucked.

Speaking of writing I think I'll be comfortable sending out samples of my intro to the novel starting late next week, I was going to send them out tomorrow, but that was before the tech problems started and then I just got really insecure with it, so it's going back to self-edit and we'll see how it comes out.

Until next time, enjoy your summer! Also there are only 4 votes on the poll but I found those four interesting, so anyone who wants to comment anonymously about why they voted the way they did please do, or shoot me an email at lhocke89@gmail.com

p.s. some of you may note that I used the british spelling of realise, yes it is a correct spelling, just different, stupid webster helping make two dictionaries

a good night

It's been while since I've had as much fun as I did last night, which really was a lot of fun, even if I'm incredibly sore now. Basically it started when I went downtown and met some people, had a really great time out for a few hours just messing around, then we went back to their place and continued having fun, I arrived at the party with one guy, but saw a girl I was more interested in there so we socialized for a while, until her boyfriend showed up, were he not so huge I would've maybe chanced it, but he was like a huge wall, and I wasn't completely steady at that point. So instead I left after a little while more and went for a run. After that things get a little fuzzy, but I remember talking to Tim, and going over to someone else's place and eventually ending up at my place again, and falling asleep at around 5 this morning. So yes parts of last night are very fuzzy, but it was fun. I'm not sure I really want to do that again, but it's a good memory, especially since I tried to commit it all to memory last night by constantly reviewing what I'd done. Of course my head feels like it's about to explode, but now I have the Stanley Cup finals to watch =D at the time I'm posting this, we're 20 minutes in and there's no score, thanks to Fleury's awesomeness =D. GO PENGUINS !

Also let's celebrate the strat of summer! Anyone who wants to come visit over the next few months, please do. Just gimme a call and I'll give4 the particulars on how to get to my place in SLO =D

Damn it...

While u thoroughly enjoy my iPhone, I don't like that it's now my only
method of digital communication. Long story short my computer is in
fir service and my options are to use my phone, or use my PoC
*shudder* (btw those of you who understood the acronym, congrats, this
who didn't, think about it for a while, it'll come to you). Anyway
like I said, I've only got my phone for know, which makes me sad. The
whole story is much to long to attempt a post via email, but as soon
as i've got my laptop back I promise to tell you all about it. The
worst part is, I can't type up my new ideas for stories but thank god
for time machine.

hm, another early morning post?!

Well to be perfectly honest it's actually a late night post for me since I haven't gone to bed yet. I've been entertaining friends at my place until just a few minutes ago, and had a great time with it :-). To be perfectly honest, I couldn't care less if I get any sleep today, that's how good I feel right now. The evening started off without anyone else here, so I started the dinner slightly worried that no one would show, but most everyone showed up that I had hoped would come. We were missing Jeff, which does make me a bit sad, as it would have been really nice to see him out and about having fun. I was glad to spend time with my friends, albeit a little irked over some matters not completely pertaining to the party. We had a good time, eating, laughing, watching a movie, talking some, but eventually most of the people headed home a little after midnight, and to my pleasant surprise, a few people actually stayed behind for a while! We continued to hang out, this time spending nearly four hours talking and walking outside for a bit to get slurpees. Of course during this time I got confirmation on a few things that I had been wondering, and grew closer to two guys I had hoped to become friends with. We basically just talked about life and what was going on with each of us, I learned several surprising things about each of them, which frankly I was proud that they shared with me.

Truly, if only for a few hours, we were three sharing a mind, speaking about our pasts experiences and what we should do with our present. It's one of those things were a group of people can just connect and speak together, opening up and just letting the dialogue flow. Thinking about it I'm actually proud of myself for actually being able to open up like I did, granted I had a bit of help, but I'm happy that I at least talked about it with my friends. After actually talking with these guys I've realized just how much I've missed having people to just talk to completely relaxed and free of assumptions. Not that my other friends aren't there for me, or that I think I can't tell them things, it's just that sometimes I get the feeling that when I'm telling my story, it becomes something secondary to whomever is listening. Tonight I got the feeling that I was actually able to speak and be heard while listening to the others. It's been a while since I've had that kind of open exchange, something I wish I had in my family, but we're just not really touchy-feely people, or at least most of the family isn't. I don't mind the physical contact, I actually enjoy it, but my family is more the "let's-talk-about-it-and-then-we'll-go-from-there" kind of family. Anyway, I do wish that my family was closer, instead of just talking it out. It's gotten to the point where I've realized that talking it out with my family is just not going to happen, or rather talking it out truthfully while my mom and brother are there won't happen. I could probably talk candidly with my dad but he has proven in the past that what I tell him and ask him to keep secret won't stay that way for any extended period of time. It's a little beside the point, or maybe it is the point, either way what I'm saying is that I have problems trusting people, some of you know this already, some of you don't, but if you didn't now you do. I can't say for certain what it is that first started my lack of trust, but I suspect that the way my family operates is part of it. I can't change the past, and if I could I'm not sure that I necessarily would. I mean yeah I'd probably try and change a few things but nothing major, it's shaped to much of who I am now.

Last little segment of my post, I'm getting back into my writings, having scrapped, or at least shelved, the last manuscript I was working on, as it was just too painful to try and finish. As I write more I will try to post segments of it for all of you to view. I do feel that I must warn you about the potentially dark nature of what I'm writing. As a mainly stream-of-consciousness writer many of my own demons manifest themselves along the way, some of them may seem benign while others terrify me, I don't know how they come across to others as I haven't actually had anyone read of them, or really see what it is that flows through my mind in the darkest hours of day and night.

If you want to read a bit of the intro please leave a comment or email me about it and I'll send you the intro I have right now, extremely rough, but hopefully it can be refined. One condition to receiving the draft, you must send me your thoughts on what I send you. Really not a big deal, but I would appreciate your input to the process.

Well, thanks for reading and please, please, please, vote in the poll on the side of the blog

Late NIght!!!! (or Early Morning...)

I'm starting to write this post at 2:45 in the morning, an hour which has become strangely familiar to me despite all my efforts to sleep. I've increased my exercise, tried changing my diet, going to bed at a reasonable hour, none of it works. As a last resort I went to sleeping pills from my doctor, of course i stopped taking those recently because I started having trouble waking up. Anyway this is a pretty short post since I've pretty much forgotten what I was going to say, I'll update the post later I guess, but since I'm still writing I'll say this. Apparently I've replaced sleep with chores...

Feel better?

Well that's the question I've been asking myself today, do I feel better? I supposed the general answer is yes, I do feel better than I did last night especially since I had so many people around at bike night, I got my own endorphins going, and let my body pump me full of more from the mood of everyone around me. After a comment conversation with a friend on my last post, I realized something that I used to think and then kinda just forgot about. He mentioned that he feels like he sometimes feeds off the energy of others, and it felt suddenly like I was talking with someone who feels that connection. I do feed off of the emotions of others, usually I can tell when someone is upset, or worried before they say anything, just by looking at the way they carry themselves but also, I just feel it. Of course it's not 100% accurate, sometimes I don't feel anything, and other times I'm right about the feeling but not the degree to which the person is feeling it. Oftentimes I find myself wondering if others feel this way, like they can hear the secret meanings behind the words, or feel the problems before they come to light. It's just one of those weird things that I assumed were normal when I was a kid, and then started to wonder about as I saw more and more people acting with complete ignorance as to the effects of their actions. Anyway this is just a short post saying I'm feeling better than I did last night, but still wrapped up in a swarm of emotions, the one most absent that I wish I had is romantic love, or at least someone to hold.

I'll post again tomorrow, thanks for the comments on my last post they really did help. Also please vote on the side of my blog, just curious about how you all feel on the issue

I feel so alone again

*sigh* i guess I should be sleeping but after being around my friends and feeling pretty good it just suddenly hit me as I walked back to my apartment alone, I'm tired of coming back to an empty apartment and having only myself to be with. Without anyone close by to talk to or even just feel the presence of another human being, I'm left to stew in my own thoughts, and they always seem to turn darkest at three predictable times, Valentine's day, the beginning of summer, and Christmas. I know, kind of a weird list but all with their own reasons, first V-Day or Singles' Awareness Day (SAD) hurts because I never seem to find a date for it, usually I can't even get a group of single's together for a chance to just laugh together and take my mind off of it. Christmas I dread because it means an extended period of keeping secret's under the guise of holiday cheer, it also just feels false to smile at everyone who comes over and pretend that everything is alright, Sometimes I just want to scream at the world and let it all out, all the pain and pent up anger, frustration, secrets. It's toxic to hold onto, but letting it go is so hard, because there is just so much of it. When it comes to summer i guess it's just a little strange, sumer should be a time of happiness and fun, but to me summers are marred in much the same way as Christmas. I have extended periods of time in which I'm required to bottle up everything that I am and pull on a mask and costume of who I am to my parents and relatives. I remember family trips with a great hope at the beginning that always fades into frustration and regret. Summer also marks a time of sadness for me, every time the end of school approaches it's a reminder of my grandfather's death. It's hard to describe what else causes it, partially my weird brain, but it still just makes me want to lie down and give up sometimes.

Anyway the point of my writing this post was to try and put down what it is I'm feeling tonight. I love my friends and am so glad to have them around, I do wish that some of my older friends were in my life more but there is always so much getting in the way, I hold no grudges on that point, but my friends aren't always near me, and that's where part of the problem starts. I'm fine with other people around, but without them I have very little support for myself. I'm not saying that all I do on my own is sit and mope, I do get out, exercise, shop, hike by myself, and that's all well and good, but it's the knowledge that at the end of the day, I'm sleeping alone, there is no one I'll meet up with at my place and just hang with or cuddle with, no one who's place I'd really feel good about just crashing at. Maybe some of my friends wouldn't mind, but I'm not the kind to try and impose that on anyone. I guess really right now I just feel a bit like my personal relationships are spinning out of control all around me I see people who are looking at summer romances, beginning to consider who they want to pair off with. I'm happy for them all but it leaves me alone still. I often get phone calls, texts, and emails from people who are having all sorts of relationship drama, and I'm willing to help out, to listen to these problems and give any insights I might have, I can even laugh about them sometimes, but it just underscores something that I don't have. It seems like right now everyone I look at is either unwilling to enter a relationship, eyeing someone else, already taken, or not interested. (NOTE: This does not apply to the vast majority of you who may be reading this.) I just don't know what to do at this point I'm conflicted, happy for everyone who are entering relationships, or have that secret crush, but also tired of having only my crushes, or short relationships which are doomed from the beginning. I'm also holding so many secrets of others it feels like I'm going to explode sometimes. I've already stopped going to two therapists because all that happened was I felt guilty about my choices, one of them tried to tell me I could change who I was genetically coded to be (stopped seeing him as soon as I left his office that day). So now I'm left without a therapist, with pills that are slowly losing there usefulness, a deep sense of depression, and an empty space of time in which I'll take classes, try and see my friends and then return at night to this same cozy piece of my personal hell. I just really really need a hug and a shoulder to cry on right now