hmm...

So it's occurred to me since my last post that the problem of my nightmares could be solved if I just had someone with me. I'm not saying that I need someone to have sex with, though it would be nice... But rather that if I just had someone to sleep in close proximity to it might alleviate some of these problems. Partially because it just seems more secure with someone there. The comforting warmth of another body in the same bed fulfills the human need as social creatures for socialization and clan behavior. Humans are not meant to live in solitude, although it can provide a great deal of time for self-reflection and betterment, of course it's just my belief although there are anthropological, sociological, and psychological studies to back it up. Then again studies can be wrong. I apologize for the randomness of these posts, I just feel the need to type out what's on my mind right now and it's coming out a bit strangely at times. So yeah, my mind is a bit jumbled now and it's gonna be like this until I get a chance to fully collect my thoughts and stop feeling like I'm chasing them down a maze in the dark while blindfolded after being spun around.

Until Next Time, I've nothing witty to say, but I'm going to begin signing my posts, just seems appropriate.

-Lhocke

bad sleep and elvis

I didn't get the best night's sleep last night, seemed like my dreams were filled with all sorts of information that I couldn't really process. I just know that the over feeling I got from them was bad, mostly because I woke up shouting for the first time in a while. Since I can't remember what it was I guess I'll just forget about it for now, but it shook me up quite a bit. not really sure why I mention it, it seemed like it needed to be said when I started this post, but now it just seems like a moot point.

Anyway, onto the second part about Elvis, the supposed King. I recently watched cadillac records and I gotta say, I remembered why I don't really like Elvis. He stole practically everything he recorded and did. He ripped off Muddy Waters and Little Walter as well as several other great Blues musicians, and got credit for a new sound. Really I don't get the hype about him, he came and went just like any other musician, and left nothing behind but a lot of glitz and glamour, nothing original. You may disagree, but I just felt like I had to say it.

Until next time, waking up from a nightmare shouting is not fun in the least, anyone else ever experience it?

oh great, insomnia...

I neglected to mention one more side effect of these attacks, insomnia. most of you already know that i have it, but when these attacks happen it gets even worse, I haven't slept tonight, at all. Instead I've spent the night trying to sleep, tossing and turning. Sometimes I just wish I could stop thinking so much, I end up running loops in my head without any idea where it will end. And usually ends up with me worried about more things than I was when I started. I don't have much more to say than that right now, but I just had to.

panic attacks

I've had a few situations in the past where I have sudden panic attacks where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I have trouble breathing, I can't think, they usually go away if i can get out and just walk around for a while, or go for a drive where I can try and talk to someone until I calm down. Tonight I had one of the worst I've had in a while. I don't know what brought it on either, I was preparing to go out and suddenly couldn't stop shaking, and had trouble breathing. I tried to move but was almost completely paralyzed at first. I finally got myself moving and got into my car with the idea of going for a hike up Bishop Peak and trying to clear my mind, instead I ended up parked at the trail head sobbing and trying to figure out what to do. I've calmed down a bit now, but I'm still a little freaked out. I just don't know what to do. I want to write, but my hands are shaking so badly that I can't get it all out, and I can't think straight. I think that I may finally be buckling under the pressure, I may have burned out. I just want to leave, get on the road and leave everything behind, I know that my problems will follow, but I just need to be somewhere that isn't here. I need to be in the company of friends, I need to just talk to someone face to face, to hold someone. I just can't take this much longer, I feel like I'm drowning, reaching desperately for something to grab onto and stay afloat. Realistically I don't know what I'm doing anymore, or what i'll be able to do in the future. I'm just not as sure as I once was, things have gotten cloudy for me recently. I've misread people and situations recently that I wouldn't have in the past. I feel lost and unsure, and it's just one more thing that I used to have to help me that's begun to fail. My memory and my judgement have been clouded and without them I'm completely lost. I know that I keep saying I don't know and I feel lost, but I can't help it. In the most clear terms I don't have any idea of what the hell is going on or what to do about it.

Until next time, if you're nearby please I need some time and some help with what's going on. I just can't handle all this in my head