Well let's see

Okay, so this day was going pretty well, things got done, weather wasn't horrible, felt pretty content, until I started listening to music and dancing around and started thinking about old friends and school dances, and all the old social events that I used to have. As we go into the fall and soon winter months the changing weather and colors just seem to remind me that I'm alone. As much as I can brush off the idea of being single and say that I enjoy not being too attached to a relationship, at night in the dark and cold I wish I had someone there with me. I just don't really feel hungry for anything, don't want to do much, just sit here and try to lose myself in something. I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I just disappeared, who would miss me? Who would notice? How long would anyone search for me? These questions really have no business being in my head most of the time but they still arise occasionally when I'm doing some mundane task, really I just want to curl up and cry when they come up, but I haven't cried in a while, I've tried but I just can't seem to do so.

I guess the point I was trying to make is that I want to speak my mind and my feelings out loud, but I'm just so scared of rejection and how it will change things. I'm a changer by nature, a catalyst in many situations, but I've always been afraid of change, the unknown is scary, but it's even worse when I can read a situation and still can't figure out a way to change it as it happens. I have answers for others but none for myself. I keep all the questions and can't seem to ever find satisfactory answers. I sometimes wonder if I even experience the same things that others do. I just want someone there with me, someone to hold, to trust, someone I can talk to and listen to, someone whose warmth I can share. I'm afraid of what change will happen if my feelings are not reciprocated, of the potential changes if they are and things fall apart. My relationship history isn't exactly spotless, some of them collapsing completely. I know I keep dancing around the issue, but really what else can I do? I'm almost always right on the edge of an issue and need a shove to get me into a situation. most conflicts between others I try and stay neutral until I have to choose a side, not because i want to be on the winning one, but because I like to know what all is going on with each party before choosing who I agree with. Once I've chosen a side I'll passionately defend it until proven wrong, but it's that initial bit that I hold onto for too long sometimes.

I know this post is a bit longer than usual but please bear with me for a little longer. I feel like this post is a little whiny, but I just need to get it out there, I can't keep doing things this way. I just feel like such a fraud whenever I avoid the issue, I have the opportunities right there in front of me an I always let them slip past, I can even feel them come and go, like waves. The advice I get is always the same. "Do what you feel is right." "Go for it." "Just tell them and let it fall as it may." " The worst that'll happen is they'll say no." It's just that worst is not the rejection, it's the awkwardness following it, the dancing on eggshells as each of you try and redefine your friendship, and if you can't the potential divide in friends, the fracturing of groups or voluntary exile. I feel like this situation is too familiar to me. I've watched it happen before, hell I've been in the middle of it, usually the guy who tries to keep people from getting out of hand and spreading the fight amongst everyone remotely connected to it. Really I guess the point I'm trying to make is I need a wingman here who has no vested interest in the other party, someone who I can be perfectly candid with before going in. I suppose I've already made up my mind, but I need someone there to support me if it doesn't go well, and that's where I fall down. Too many of our circles converge, and it causes more problems than I can adequately express in written word.

Until Next Time, it's times like this I wish telepathy existed so I could just show someone how I felt and adequately express my hopes and fears in their truest form.