I'm glad to have the friends I do, but it sometimes seems like I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and I often feel like the outsider. Almost every time I go to visit someone, or to a party, I feel like everyone else is closer than I am. I don't know if there's any truth to it but it still upsets me.
My family is just as jumbled as ever, with my dad working odd hours so I rarely get to speak to him, and my mom who is constantly calling and trying to be supportive yet always ends up interrogating me when I don't have the exact answer she wants. Most recently is the argument over christmas gifts, no one in my family seems to know what they want which means everyone starts accusing the others of being difficult and not appreciating the gifts they get. Just once I'd like a Christmas to go down without a major fight over someone getting the wrong gift.
For anyone who's heard my history of dating should know that I'm not really the best at maintaing a relationship, or getting one when I want, it's starting to get to the point where relationships are fast becoming a thing of myth. I see other people pairing off or at least entering into their own arrangements while I've reached the point where I'll take just about anything if I can't seem to get the relationships I'd like. I know it sounds odd and and possibly a bit offensive, but I don't care anymore, I just can't bring myself to keep preparing to leap only to find that someone else is already there.
I guess it all piled up and led to this final bit, I can't get the classes I need. I've tried, I've struggled, I've been begging professors to let me into their sections, but unless something changes when I meet with my advisor tomorrow, I will be moving over to Cuesta so that I can get my required classes before trying to transfer back in. I've joked about wanting to graduate at some point but the truth is, I wasn't really joking, I've been worried about this for a while, and now it just looks like one more hurdle in my way. I know that I've tried to put on the smiling face and keep jumping through hoops, going over hurdles, and around obstacles to keep moving, but the truth is I'm tired of it all. I just want to be able to go to sleep content and unworried for once.
So that brings me to tonight, back in SLO, alone in my apartment with just the internet to keep me company. I was out with people earlier, but when they decided to go to the bars, I got left behind. Age is just one more obstacle that keeps me from connecting. It really sucks too, because I really needed to talk to someone tonight, just to get all this stuff off my chest, just to be able to tell someone and actually be listened to and get feedback. Instead I'm sitting here typing it all out. I feel pathetic right now, pathetic, alone, tired, and just longing for a true human connection. I love my friends, I truly do, but I don't know how to take risks anymore.
I've pulled back into my shell again for some reason, I want to just leap and tell people how I feel, hit on others, flirt, and be flirted with, but every time I do so, it's taken as a joke, a friendly gesture. Sometimes it is, but when I'm serious it hurts that I try to put myself out there and I get shot down off hand. Of course I then need to hide it so I laugh it off and put on a smile, maybe take a drink, and then proceed to be loud and boisterous, trying to look happy. The worst part of it all is that people buy into the act, and then forget. It's frustrating that people forget so easily, and that I can't reach out for help. I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid to tell people my problems, so many people don't understand, some dismiss them outright, and some look at me like I'm going to snap at any second. I find that the times at social events when I'm staring into space, trying to solve some of my problems, are increasing, and no one seems to notice. I guess I've become good at hiding, good at sneaking, good at making myself invisible, leaving parties, entering parties, moving throughout the social gatherings trying desperately to make a connection, and at the same time unable to drop the defenses which keep me separate.
I almost apologized for the depressed nature of this post, but I'm not sorry, not really, I'm sick of having to tell people I'm sorry for telling them something's wrong, so really I'm just depressed and a little angry and don't really care if you don't like the post. I would appreciate support, but I'm just so tired of carrying on alone.
Until Next Time, I just want to be held again.
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