Exactly one week ago my parents called my brother and myself down to the living room for a chat. Now before I go on, you should understand some things about my family. First, we don’t talk that often unless there’s a problem. Second, we never all get together in one room to talk about something unless it’s a huge deal. Third, well I guess you really only need to know the first two to get a sense of the apprehension I felt while descending onto the main floor and sitting on the uncomfortable, yet fashionable, couch. Come to think of it, uncomfortable yet fashionable seems to sum up my home life pretty well.
Anyway, to get back to the story, my brother and I took our places, wondering what was wrong, what we may have done, who might have died. Instead we looked across as our mom said “Your Father and I have been talking and...” “you’re getting a divorce” I interjected. I was right. There was a lot of “it’s not about you kids” “We weren’t keeping it a secret, we just didn’t want to bother you.” Really my first reaction upon hearing that they didn’t want to trouble us was an emphatic “Bullshit.” I start school tomorrow, 9 days after they told me they were getting a divorce. I also get to continue working on an audition piece that I have no idea how long it should be.
Right now I’m completely up in the air, so out of it that I don’t know what day it is, or what time it is. I’m a functioning zombie. I went to work all last week, I went to see friends. I got my books, went and got new clothes, but I’m completely on autopilot. If someone were to tell me I was about to die I’d probably just say “Oh, that’s nice” and keep on going. I keep feeling like I’m stuck in a weird dream. It’s not a bad dream, and it’s not a good dream, it’s just like a dream that I can’t wake from.
In my current distracted state I took a leap of faith, which really was more of a leap of numb dissociation and told her how I felt, asked her about taking things to the next level. I wasn’t shot down, but it didn’t go as well as I had hoped it would. So now I sit here, in the middle of a family that was over years ago but is just now starting to break away, no real relationship experience to tell me how to proceed with her. I feel a bit like Dr. Horrible when I keep righting her. Only it’s not a vlog, and I’m not singing, and I’m not a super-villian, and I’m nowhere near as cool as NPH. So now that we have that settled I guess I’ll get back to the point.
I’m lost. I don’t know how to interact with my parents. I keep hearing more than I really care to know about each side and their plans. My kitchen stuff, still boxed up from my apartment, is going with my mom to her new place along with some of my lamps, a few of my office supplies, and some other crap that I don’t seem to have a say about. I’m almost 21 fucking years old and I feel like a kid with no say in what goes on.
I have a few useful though frustrating abilities in my mental arsenal which I’m bringing into full play now. First is my ability to dissociate from everything and just drift numbly observing everything to write down later as a piece of fiction. I know that I probably shouldn’t pour as much of myself into my work as I do, but I don’t know any other way, my writing is mainly for me anyway and if other people like it, good for them. Second, I can block out a lot of my memories, a kind of selective amnesia. I forget anything painful that I don’t want to remember, it resurfaces eventually, but I can shove it way back in a box and compartmentalize. The third is not so much a mental trick as it is an acting trick, I pull on whatever mask I need to make people think I’m okay. I go about my day unable to open up because of my instinctual reaction to protect myself from the world. I’ve talked about it before, but I feel like I need to project the strongest image of myself that I can and try to become that person. I present a version of myself that people like, because I feel like most people would hate or at least be very uncomfortable with the person I am.
Everyone who I’ve actually told about my struggles with being bipolar have seen who I am, and know some of what I’ve been through. Those of you who read this and that I went to high school with, I’m sorry. I never fully presented who I was then, and I’ve also changed a lot from who I was. I’m still a good listener, I can still keep your secrets, but I’m not the guy who is content to help others anymore. I thought I could, there was a time when I would lay down my life to protect my friends, but now I don’t know if I could. I love my friends, I really do, but I’m much less logical than I used to be. I guess part of it is I’ve learned to compartmentalize so well that I basically use three aspects of my personality now. The writer, the lover, and the friend. I am a combination of all three, but all three have a say in what i do. To clarify a bit, and I know it makes me sound like a bit of an ass, I don’t really do relationships anymore. I want to have fun, to connect and be involved but with the understanding that it will lead where it leads, and if it becomes serious great if not, at least we had fun and can still be friends. As a writer everything I see can make a story, everything has something that needs to be expressed. Parts of my life find their way into my stories and poems, oftentimes I have to shelve my work because it’s too painful, or a story is too much like a real event with real people.
I’m incredibly grateful that my friends have been there to help me through this and, as weird as it may sound, I’m grateful that I can share it with you all at once. I’m still confused and I want to talk to all of you, but the fact that I only have to really put this out there once, without all the heartache and pain of retelling the story, makes it easier to be honest about it all.
It’s late now and I have to take my car into the shop in the morning before class, but I’ll write more later. My cell phone is always on and you can also reach me on facebook, twitter or at lhocke89@gmail.com. Really I do hope to hear from all of you.
Until Next Time, I might look okay in public, but if you see me when I think no one’s looking you’ll see it.
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