Another update

I’ve taken to blogging about once a week in order to keep a regular schedule, but tonight I feel the need to write more.

This past week was pretty difficult for me, general quandaries and all, and as stupid as it sounds my audition was a big part of it. I’m still dealing with all the emotional crap in my life, but I’ve got friends who are helping me out and I’m extremely grateful to them, I really don’t think I can ever express just how much I appreciate their help.

It really hit hard when I brought a friend over for the first time in years. I don’t mean someone I’ve known for awhile, I mean someone coming over for the first time. I never really noticed the silence of my house, I try to fill it with music and movies, but while we were watching TV after dinner she looks around whispers, “Is it always this awkward?” I looked up and for the first time I noticed my parents sitting in separate rooms, my brother on his computer, the house in silence aside from the TV. It was nothing new, but I never realized how odd it actually was until that moment. The silence was thick and heavy, everyone in my family is a stranger to me.

I know she didn’t mean to point it out, to make things more awkward for me, but it gave me a lot to think about. In many ways I’ve spent my entire life alone, living with people who I’m connected to only by blood. I feel like I have heard so many stories, that I don’t know what is true anymore. I don’t know what I’m saying really, I just feel like I’m all alone in this big house. There are people here, but we just pass by like strangers in the hall.

I just want to be needed, to be held and wanted. I want to feel that connection that I haven’t felt in so long.