Two weeks in

By now those of you who read my blog already know what’s been going on, and those of you who don’t well you aren’t reading this any way so who cares. Sorry, that’s a bit rude but I’m in kind of a crappy mood tonight.

It’s been almost two weeks wince my parents told me they’re getting a divorce, and thus far I’ve handled it fairly well around them. I’m not drinking, I’m not being reckless, I’m going to and participating in my classes, and I’m getting ready to audition in a few days. By looking at the way I’ve been getting through I guess you’d say I look like I’m taking it well. Inside I feel like shit. I want to just go out and do something stupid, who cares right?

I’m glad to have friends who care and have sent me emails and comments, giving me advice and supporting me through this, but I feel like I’m just drifting. I’ve moved away from a lot of my friends, I suck at trying to reconnect with old friends, and I feel like any new friends I make I’l be leaving them in a year so how can you really get close in that short a time?

I’m a man lost at sea, searching for the harbor. My ship is sturdy and reinforced with the love and support of my friends, but I’m still tossed about inside it.

I’ve been tweeting through the week about how I feel, and I’ve ben throwing some things up on facebook, although I’m more open about my tweets since less people read them apparently, but who knows.

Anyway, earlier I tweeted:

so here's a problem I'm supposed to write a love poem for my poetry class and I can't get past the first line w/o my life getting in the way

I’m having a huge issue with keeping my real life separate from my creative life right now, something which is normally okay but i’m in a class now where we share our works. I don’t know how comfortable I am with sharing all this with people I don’t know. And yes the irony of posting this on the web does not escape me. I’m just having a hard time dealing with my issues on my own, and to have the outlet I desperately need, critiqued by a group of people who don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want to explain every time I read my work, and I don’t like that the fear of criticism is affecting my work. I want to go back to writing and creating on my own terms, writing for me and damn the opinions of everyone else.

I’m especially shaken by the assignment to write a poem about love. To me it’s a foreign emotion, while at the same time it’s incredibly familiar.

I can say I love animals, I love dogs, I love nature, I love the theatre, I love my friends, but what about romantic love? How do you know you’re in love? How do you appropriately capture that feeling in words and set them on a page?

Right now I can say I’m attracted to someone, that I think she’s a great friend, that I would like to see if we could be more. I’ve told her so but it seems like I’m always chasing the ones who “aren’t ready” or just aren’t interested. It’s weird that these things just don’t add up for me, or I guess it’s more of my timing just kinda sucks. Or that I’m overanalyzing things and I actually do have a chance but I’m the idiot who just can’t see it.

The poem just makes things harder and more confusing, I want to write it generic, but then it feels weak and cliche, so I aim for slightly personal and end up with overly personal. I don’t write poetry or stories with specific people in mind for the most part, because it makes things awkward when feelings aren’t the same. I ended up writing a short story and using a character’s voice to craft a poem. A cheap cop out that’s actually pretty transparent.

I’m also having an issue with my poetry coming out angry. I want something emotional and powerful but it seems like all the happiness I have right now exists only in the moment and right on the surface. I open up my mental box of emotions and my frustration just flows out.

I know I’ve written some lengthy blog posts lately and I feel like there will probably be a few more in the near future. I really want to write about something happy and tell you all that everything’s alright but I honestly don’t know if it will. I look ahead and I know that things will balance eventually but I just feel like every time I start to climb out of my hole another mountain of shit gets dumped on me.

I want to be selfish, to say “fuck the world”, go out and just pick up anyone, lose myself in shallow desires and forget who I am. I can’t do that. I’m too firmly attached to my beliefs, flexible as they may be, and who I’ve come to define myself as. I can be an ass, but I’m not a asshole. I can be mean, but I’m not a bully. I may ignore people, but I’m not a jerk. I’m not prefect, but I just can’t go against my own solidly fluid morals. I cannot hurt others, or rather I will not if I can possibly avoid it. I’m the friend, the supporting character in everyone’s life. I want to be the leading man, the guy who gets the girl, the underdog who comes out on top. Instead I’m the best friend of the underdog, the guy who no one remembers when the movie’s over.

Until next time, well that’s the question isn’t it.