Sushi (or Week 3)

I think it's safe to say that everyone reading this knows the situation that I've been in the past few weeks. Thus far I've held up pretty well, preexisting quirks aside. I'm going through day by day, doing my best to keep it together. I'm also not drinking, as much as I might want to at times, it would be easier to lose myself partying right now and I don't want to go down that road if I can avoid it.

Tonight three things happened which have sent me on a little bit of a downward slide. First, my mom started moving out, taking the stuff from my apartment that's in boxes with her. She also asked me to help her get her utilities turned on at her new place. Second, my dad stopped wearing his ring today, first time I've ever seen him without it. The finality of it all hit me when we went out for dinner. We went to a local sushi restaurant, something I usually enjoy but tonight it's just one less meal that we'll have together. Sushi was always something we did to celebrate, a symbol of happy times. Now it's just a bitter reminder of the fact that the pieces of my childhood I liked are becoming tainted by current events.

Everyday I wake up and feel like I'm still asleep. I stumble through my routine and go to school, slipping into the persona that began as a protective shield and is now more like a constant companion whispering in my ear. I want to open up, to share myself with other people, but instead I laugh and joke. I deflect questions and serious discussion with jokes. I throw obstacles in the way of people I'm trying to get to know. It's not a new problem, but i sabotage my relationships because I don't feel worthy enough to be in one. I'm angry at my parents for dropping this on me, and angry at myself for all the times in the past I wished they would.

I just can't take this shit, I want to throw myself into something, I want to work and release my frustration. But I seriously blew it at my audition, I froze. I know it sounds stupid but I needed this. I needed this audition to go well so I wouldn't be alone with myself. I'm the cliché, the artist who's afraid to be alone with his own thoughts. I don't feel worthy of any of my talents, I don't feel worthy of praise given, I just feel inadequate. I apologize constantly, I seek the approval of others while trying to stay true to myself, whoever that is anymore. I've begun to discover myself again and I'm afraid that I'll slide back into my old pattern of simply hiding myself inside a stronger persona to keep from being hurt.

I want to stand in the light and feel the warmth on my face but the dark beckons with her siren call.