Anyway the point of my writing this post was to try and put down what it is I'm feeling tonight. I love my friends and am so glad to have them around, I do wish that some of my older friends were in my life more but there is always so much getting in the way, I hold no grudges on that point, but my friends aren't always near me, and that's where part of the problem starts. I'm fine with other people around, but without them I have very little support for myself. I'm not saying that all I do on my own is sit and mope, I do get out, exercise, shop, hike by myself, and that's all well and good, but it's the knowledge that at the end of the day, I'm sleeping alone, there is no one I'll meet up with at my place and just hang with or cuddle with, no one who's place I'd really feel good about just crashing at. Maybe some of my friends wouldn't mind, but I'm not the kind to try and impose that on anyone. I guess really right now I just feel a bit like my personal relationships are spinning out of control all around me I see people who are looking at summer romances, beginning to consider who they want to pair off with. I'm happy for them all but it leaves me alone still. I often get phone calls, texts, and emails from people who are having all sorts of relationship drama, and I'm willing to help out, to listen to these problems and give any insights I might have, I can even laugh about them sometimes, but it just underscores something that I don't have. It seems like right now everyone I look at is either unwilling to enter a relationship, eyeing someone else, already taken, or not interested. (NOTE: This does not apply to the vast majority of you who may be reading this.) I just don't know what to do at this point I'm conflicted, happy for everyone who are entering relationships, or have that secret crush, but also tired of having only my crushes, or short relationships which are doomed from the beginning. I'm also holding so many secrets of others it feels like I'm going to explode sometimes. I've already stopped going to two therapists because all that happened was I felt guilty about my choices, one of them tried to tell me I could change who I was genetically coded to be (stopped seeing him as soon as I left his office that day). So now I'm left without a therapist, with pills that are slowly losing there usefulness, a deep sense of depression, and an empty space of time in which I'll take classes, try and see my friends and then return at night to this same cozy piece of my personal hell. I just really really need a hug and a shoulder to cry on right now
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I feel so alone again
*sigh* i guess I should be sleeping but after being around my friends and feeling pretty good it just suddenly hit me as I walked back to my apartment alone, I'm tired of coming back to an empty apartment and having only myself to be with. Without anyone close by to talk to or even just feel the presence of another human being, I'm left to stew in my own thoughts, and they always seem to turn darkest at three predictable times, Valentine's day, the beginning of summer, and Christmas. I know, kind of a weird list but all with their own reasons, first V-Day or Singles' Awareness Day (SAD) hurts because I never seem to find a date for it, usually I can't even get a group of single's together for a chance to just laugh together and take my mind off of it. Christmas I dread because it means an extended period of keeping secret's under the guise of holiday cheer, it also just feels false to smile at everyone who comes over and pretend that everything is alright, Sometimes I just want to scream at the world and let it all out, all the pain and pent up anger, frustration, secrets. It's toxic to hold onto, but letting it go is so hard, because there is just so much of it. When it comes to summer i guess it's just a little strange, sumer should be a time of happiness and fun, but to me summers are marred in much the same way as Christmas. I have extended periods of time in which I'm required to bottle up everything that I am and pull on a mask and costume of who I am to my parents and relatives. I remember family trips with a great hope at the beginning that always fades into frustration and regret. Summer also marks a time of sadness for me, every time the end of school approaches it's a reminder of my grandfather's death. It's hard to describe what else causes it, partially my weird brain, but it still just makes me want to lie down and give up sometimes.
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you're awesome, dude. it's gotta' be tough livin' alone.
ReplyDeletewhat are your plans for next year? will you have people to stay with?
Sadly I will be on my own again, since both John and Marcel are being RA's again and I didn't really know anyone else who was looking anywhere else when I renewed my lease.
ReplyDeletefind some new people. you're a friendly guy. I think you can make a good group of friends.
ReplyDeleteyou have it in you to be who you want to be. you just gotta' put yourself out there to do it.
Yeah, the only problem is I'm actually pretty shy most of the time, I don't usually initiate conversations
ReplyDeletehave you ever thought about why you're so shy?
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying I have a solution or anything. I'm just curious, 'cause I used to be real quiet when I was younger.
It's mostly that I've felt isolated my entire life due to a constant over-analysis of everything. It's just the way my mind works, can't keep my mind from trying to keep everything organized. I do try to be less shy, but usually it only happens if I assume a character, using my name but tricking myself into playing a character of me, sounds kinda crazy but it's the only thing that seems to help
ReplyDeleteso this over-analysis keeps you from being yourself?
ReplyDeletewhat do you mean by analysis?
find myself following all the potential lines of conversation, the subtext of everything people say, the nuances of tones. It doesn't help that I have an ear for different tones, and it's not so much that I can't be myself so much as I have to pull on my own personality like a costume, it's actually really hard to explain. I mean everything i do and say is a facet of my personality it's just that I've had to compartmentalize everything I've done since I was a kid. It's gotten worse since I realized I'm bi and the thought of slipping up around my parents and that my secret will get out only adds to it.
ReplyDeleteI mean my close friends know a lot about me but when it comes to meeting new people I assess them first before approaching with the appropriate portion to introduce myself with, then reveal different parts along the line. example, meeting someone at a party, either the outgoing but quiet flirt or the guy who's not the full on life of the party but just out there enough to be noticed. of course meeting someone at a party usually is short term, but then there are things like friends of friends, or just meeting someone at the store or some such. always a different face, but all the same core person. heh the more i type the more i realize I should probably just make this a whole new blog post
one line that can pretty accurately sum it up for me comes from V for Vendetta, when Stephen Fry's character says, "The truth is, you wear a mask for so long you forget who you are beneath it." I still know some of who I am, but it's become much to easy to slip into an exaggerated version for the benefit of some people
ReplyDeleteyou and I have way more in common than I expected...
ReplyDeleteI recognize the nuances in speech, too. I usually know exactly what people mean when they say something. I tend to read into things when I shouldn't, but it helps. I usually know what's going on, even if it isn't explicit.
I rarely show my real emotions to anyone. There's a lot that has gone on in my life that I've never told anyone about and don't plan on telling. Think about it, when have you not seen me energetic or excited? I'm really not always like that. Just when I'm around people (I feed off people's energy, I think).
As for your parents, I don't think you should worry about that. It may not be my place to say that, but my family's Catholic and I'm Atheist. It's one of those facets of my life my parents don't have to see and I feel it's the same in your case.
As for the secret getting out - your parents should love you all the same. "Should" is the operant word. It's not always true that your family will support you, but you'll have support from your friends (and mostly yourself) if your family doesn't support you.
Also, parents can be pretty oblivious.
Don't let your masks become yourself. People are fleeting - they come and go. Stay true to yourself. You know you'll always be there (until you're not, but then you probably won't know that anyways...).
Yeah I understand what you're saying and every time I see you I kinda get the feeling that you build off of other people's energy, I do the same. As far as my family goes I know that my dad would be cool with it, but it's my mom and all my other relatives who would ostracize me. to them it's a failure to be any sort of gay, not sure how my mom feels about it, I've tried to bring it up but usually she gives me a vague answer about how it's okay but if someone in the family was she might be upset. Sometimes I can't decide if I even want them to support me because it always feels like there are a large number of conditions to be met that I don't even know about. I do empathize with you over hiding things from our families, I just wish sometimes that I had someone there with me when I do tell them in case things go wrong
ReplyDelete