sleep, the elusive prey

Well once again I find myself awake with practically no sleep, I would say that I got none except that at 6 AM when I was planning on getting up I inexplicably passed out, really there's no better way to describe it, I awoke about 2 and a half hours later feeling groggy and worse than I did before, strange how that works isn't it? Anyway it got e thinking again about the last time I had a really good night's sleep, uninterrupted by bad dreams, or trouble actually falling asleep, and truth be told the last time that happened it was the middle of the day and I had been up for 2 days straight, the last time that happened at night, I can't really say, not because it was so long ago, but because it's such a rare occurrence that it's hard to nail down precisely when it happened. I could go back to sleeping pills, but they make me so groggy in the morning, and it means that I have to be asleep before 11 which, sorry, just isn't going to happen in the near future. It's a little ironic that all the advice I've been given from medical professionals about this problem is to exercise more, can't really do that as I push myself to the point of exhaustion every day while working out, I suppose I could work out twice a day but I feel like I'm tempting fate as it is. Anyway point is, none of it seems to work, I've just got a screwed up biological clock that just needs to sync with someone else's in order to work properly. Hm, time to pick up the search for a relationship again? Who knows the answer to that question, it's probably not even answerable, oh well.

Since it's just to plain to see

-Lhocke

The reviews! Finally!

Well I've seen 4 of the major movies of the summer thus far, X-Men, Star Trek, Terminator and UP! All good movie, especially Star Trek and UP. So thus far my rankings are:

1. UP!

2. Star Trek

3. Terminator

4. X-Men

So I'll review them for you in that order, shall we begin? "UP!" is a fun well developed story with some amazing animation, the lighting especially is breathtaking. It's hard to review "UP!" without giving away too much of the plot, which is almost fully laid out before the audience within the first 15 minutes of the film, allowing the audience to actually discover what the characters discover. It's a film that I believe all ages would enjoy, although I must warn there are parts of this film that can be unbelievably sad. Really that's about all I can say without giving anything away, I can't vouch for how the movie looks in 3D as I didn't see it in 3D format, but even without it the film is still visually stunning. If you don't get out to see it I'd say it's a most definite buy on DVD.

Now on to Star Trek, I know that my view is slightly biased as a trekker (one who follows all the star trek series) but I'll try to remain impartial. Star Trek is not a typical Star Trek film, at it's core it is an action film with a plot. Several of the elements that are considered laughable in most of Star Trek such as the long winded debates about what to do in an action situation, the dramatic pauses of Shatner, time travel paradoxes, etc. Best parts of this film were the constant action with a purpose, it had enough of a plot to carry the action so that it didn't become dull and repetitive. Also the visual effects were wonderful and if you're familiar with the series, quite a few inside jokes make a comeback. The casting was flawless, I applaud the acting of Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto (also known as Sylar from "Heroes"), Simon Pegg, Karl Urban (who also played Eomer in LOTR), John Cho (Harold of "Harold and Kumar"), and Zoe Saldana. I do have one gripe about the film, it was too short. Several of the plot points could have been explored with a little more depth, but over all it is great film and I highly recommend it to all.

Terminator I was a little disappointed with, the story was decent, the action was good, and the acting was actually quite good. The problem is they didn't really mesh very well. Alone each portion was good, the Story lays itself out pretty well with a few continuity issues and several plot points that are abandoned about 15 minutes after they are revealed, often without any explanation. The action sequences were well choreographed, some nice explosions thrown in here and there, cool new machines which still resembled the machines we were introduced to in T1 and T2, but somehow just fail to fit in with the story line that's being built up. Basically the resistance is not led by John Connor, it's led by a group of crabby old men in a submarine who give orders without any regard as to the cost, because hell, they're practically invisible (apparently Skynet doesn't use sonar). Connor and his team discover a new terminator type is being constructed with human tissue and organs, of course, that's not what command wants, instead they want some random radio signal that can apparently shut down the machines as long as it's broadcast, of course no one knows where the tip came from, or why they got the the terminal without seeing any guards hmmm. And then of course a nuke gets dropped on the facility after Connor gets out and tries to radio the nearest base, whoops, looks like he's the only one with this knowledge now. Anyway, we do get to listen to the tapes we see being recorded in the first movie, we see John meet Kyle Reese for the first time, although even after the mentions of his brother Derek in the films and tv show, he's mysteriously missing, as in nonexistent. With the emotional level that Christian Bale is at throughout the entire film it's not hard to see why he snapped at the crew when something went wrong, honestly as an audience member I was slightly scared of the dude. All in all it's an ok film, but not a terminator film. It's decent enough to warrant and in theatre viewing, but I wouldn't buy it when it comes out on DVD unless you have a giant screen and at least 5.1 surround sound.

Now on to the final film which, sadly, I was sorely disappointed with. Hugh Jackman is wonderful as Wolverine, and it's great to see his backstory, but after he's pumped full of adamantium and escapes, well let's just say it kinda slides downhill., yes we see gambit, which is great, but really he's pretty annoying and a two-dimensional character. My biggest gripe though are the claws. In the first 3 X-Men movies those claws were kick ass, now they remind me of teh singing sword in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" if you don't know what I'm talking about, they look like a cartoon. The shine when there isn't enough light on them to warrant shining, the dimensions of them change as he moves, oh and my favorite bit they shimmer! And when I say shimmer i mean that they actually glow at times, they went from bad ass to light source. There are a few good scenes where we see the young mutants, and Professor Xavier makes an appearance sans wheelchair. I did enjoy Deadpool, who if you stay through the credits, may actually have his own movie, or spinoff, which i thoroughly approve of. Bottom line, skip it in theaters and rent it when it come out.

Well the summer is just beginning and there are several more movies out there to see, including the next Transformers movie, which I'm a little leery of, but the review will keep on coming as they do.

Note: I am not a professional critic, I am just an ordinary guy saying what I though of these films, everyone is entitled to there own opinions so please don't harp at me for speaking my mind. Thank you

A new post

WARNING: THERE BE STRANGENESS OF DREAMS AHEAD

It's been a little while since I lay updated so I figured I'd get back to this. Summer is almost here and it is quite amazing how the weather seems to make everything look happier, sounds weird I know but hey, my mind is a little weird. I went to the new terminator movie this evening, thoroughly enjoyed it, although the plot needed a little work.

I'll be staying in SLO over the summer so hopefully some of you will come down and visit me. Really anytime anyone wants to visit just come on over, of course if you're visiting from out of town you may want to call me first, I'd love to see people here, but would rather not come home to find that one of you has been waiting outside my door :-P. Anywho, point is I'll be enjoying the weather, taking some classes and working, but I always leave room for friends and I'll be making a point of cooking good food for any of you who want to visit.

I realize that this post in its entirety is going up at 3:30 in the morning, most of this post was supposed to have been typed up and published before midnight, but i hit send on the email to post before I was ready, so now I'm back finishing this up. Point is, I'm tired but can't sleep very well, haven't been able to do so for a while. I'll sleep one day for 16 hours and then spend the next few days unable to sleep more than a few hours or I'll have days when I go to sleep at 10 and wake up at noon the next day for no reason at all. Whether or not this has to do with my bipolar disorder or not I don't know, I suspect so , but I don't know. In a similar vein, most nights that I get an average amount of sleep it is interrupted by strange dreams, dreams that are muddled and confused to the waking mind, but in the state in between, they are some of the most frightening dreams I have ever experienced. Lately they've begun to recur, the same sequence of dreams, a locked room with no exits, no lighting but still filled with white light, no shadows, no furniture, I try to get out but the door has no handles, no keyhole, no visible way of opening it. The passage of time in the dream is distorted, as best I can tell I make it out of the room after an hour or so and then find myself in a long white hallway running, looking for a way out, every doorway is closed and locked, as I make a final turn I see an open door, so I sprint for it, catching a glimpse of what I'm wearing for the first time, white scrubs, no shoes, I'm a few feet from the when something dark drops in front of the door, massive and shapeless. I turn to run, slipping and scrambling away, and as I run, panicked, I hear it coming after me. I wake up as it envelops me, covered in sweat. The other dreams are variations on this one, always in a facility I can't escape, always something coming for me. I don't always get caught or even chased, but I'm never fully alone in whatever the place is. The look changes slightly, different parts of the building (I assume it's a building) are in different states of disarray and decomposition. Anyway the main thread is I'm trapped, no idea where I am, without any idea how to get out, and something is coming for me. Psychoanalysis of the dreams is boring, mostly a mix of fear of death and a feeling of being trapped in my life. It's pretty much bull, I don't know what it really means, but I do know that I've been having this series of dreams on and off over the last 8 years. Anyway that's a long meandering description of what I've been going through recently, and why I'm not asleep like a normal human being at this hour =/.

Next Post: the promised review of Star Trek, Wolverine, and Terminator

Once again, the rambling I apologize for. Late night posts tend to end up like this

Really?

Well this was supposed to have uploaded at 1 this morning, not sure why i didn't but here's my snippet from last night.

 Ok so the plan has been put on indefinite hold pending the resolution of some potential problems, so we'll see how this all pans out =/ Until then it looks like no lovin' for me. Um since it's 1am I'm going to keep it brief an post more tomorrow, which will include a review of the new star trek movie.

Until then, peace

--
The Blog is alive once more! Check it out http://lhocke.blogspot.com/

Been a little while, but I'm still here

Well it's been about a week since I last posted, and things are going better, since last week a few things have happened, most good. First I've been exercising more which has been giving me more energy :) also helping me stabilize a bit. Unfortunately it also appears that I'm going to need a retainer again, boooooooo. So yeah I'm going to need to get that next week some time, probably after I do the Bay to Breakers in a week. The race is actually why I've stated exercising more, I really need to get in shape before trying this. So yeah I'm running and biking and going all out for the next week to get in shape, and then probably continuing after that to see what kind of shape i'll be in to maybe run a marathon in a year or two.

So that's the exercise/physical portion of my life, but there's on other little tidbit. I talked with some of my friends, and I've come to a decision as to what I should do about one of my dilemmas so the result of that should come soon, not sure whether I'll ask today or later this week but basically it's going to happen this week . The result will be posted later, but hopefully it won't change to much, I'm mostly planning on it not. Apologies for the vagueness of the explanation, but yeah feeling the need to be vague today. So yeah that's pretty much the new stuff, nothing fancy or two exciting going on right now. Next big post expect a review of either Star Trek or Wolverine, and potentially the result of my conversation.

Until then enjoy the day, and summer is coming :)

one more thing...

Oh and yeah i just got a call asking if I was still on my meds, yeah the things that ensure I don't go flying off the handle doing whatever the hell pops into my mind, the answer is yes, always yes, I take them, I ensure that I take them by marking it down. They make me woozy sometimes, fuck with my weight, and taste like shit sometimes, but yes I take them, because i know THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES. Really that's all I can say right now, other than that I'm very close to wishing all sorts of things upon the one who asked the question. None of them are soft and fluffy. >=(

Funny how they can ruin it so fast.

I hate to say it but I'm not just upset with my family I'm fucking pissed. I don't know why some of them think that they can just say something and it'll all be better, I'm not "going through a phase" it's not "Emotional issues" I have a fucking disease. Pure and simple. I didn't ask for this, I didn't wake up one morning and say hey, you know what would be cool? Being bipolar! I was fucking born this way, something that they should understand, but apparently that's too much to ask for...

If you're wondering what triggered this, it's fairly wimple, I came back and was relaxing today, got a call from my mom, and it all blew up within about the first 30 seconds of the call. First thing she want's to know is what i did this weekend, an innocuous question for most people, one hell of a land-mine when talking to her. Despite my having told her for weeks what I was going to be doing, she asks anyway, and when my answer is not quite detailed enough she starts to grill me about what exactly I did. I'm tired of it. All of it. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to pick up the phone and talk to my family anymore, my brother doesn't care, I have no idea what my mother is thinking, half the time it seems like she's well intentioned but misguided, and the other half it's like she's convinced that no one else knows what the fuck they're doing. I don't know why I bother anymore, I can talk to my dad when no one else is around, but that connection doesn't hold when the rest of teh family is around. I find myself once more lost and confused, spun about so that I don't know where to turn. All teh doors are unmarked, each one with the same confusing, loud, frightening noise coming from behind, with only one marked clearly with silence from behind. The one door I don't want to take, the door I don't even want to look at. Right now I really don't want to be alone, I just need to talk to someone, anyone, and try and explain this pain that no one seems to understand.

I'm BAAAAAaaaack

Well I'm back from Wildflower, with awesome new tan-ness in my arms, altho one is more like a sunburn =( but anyway, it's good to be home, to be able to sleep on an actual bed instead of the ground, to have my own bathroom, and well actually that's really all that's different, more of my friends here in SLO and I'll get to them over the next few days, but right now I'm on my own and need some time to decompress before getting back out there and socializing. By time I mean probably no more than a few hours today, I may go up to join them for dinner. I have noticed however that there are no comments or views on my blog yet, which is sad but I'll keep posting for now, hopefully someone will actually bother to say something or read it... Yes I just made a slight plea for someone to read my blog on a blog that isn't being read. Anyway, no pictures from wildflower, too busy working, i do s recommend that you go one year, it's a lot of fun, and an amazingly cool place, with some really cool people. Well that's all for now, more to come later to so stay tuned. And in the theme of tv shows and movies, thththththththhththat's all folks!

a quick update

Well, I've made it safely to Wildflower, it was really early but still it's been a lot of fun thus far. We had some problems with teh radios, and getting power to the radios, and everything else was going about the same, but long story short, it's all working now, the internet is up, and even though it's raining a bit, it's not really coming down hard. So that's it for now, longer post coming monday, there may be a few small updates before that. Until next time :)

Well...

Okay, so I was going to hold off on posting again for a few days, but right off the bat I can't find the setting to automatically add a witty signature at the bottom of my posts so instead I'l have to think up something witty or profound for each post. Hmm.... well it'll come to me.

Until next time, remember there are always things that will go bump in the night, usually it's your neighbors. =P

A welcome to all

Those of you who read the note I published know that I've decided to start blogging again on a new site, so welcome. Those of you who don't well here you are, enjoy it, or hate it, or enjoy hating it, doesn't really matter. So hooray first post, feel free to comment, although flaming is never appreciated and most likely the comments will just get removed if they serve no purpose other than to insult. I'll be posting here mostly every few days, sometimes more sometimes less. it should go without saying that some of my posts may be nothing more than long ramblings with little to no purpose than to bitch about things that are going on, while others will be meant to promote discussion. Some of you who've known me for a while should understand my blogs title, those of you who haven't known me for so long, it's a reference to my struggle to keep myself balanced. Really right now there's nothing much to report, so thank you all for reading, and hopefully you'll be back! One final thing, my second post probably won't be going up until monday, as this weekend I will be volunteering at the Wildflower Triathlon! Of course I'll be posting any photos that I take, so stay tuned!