hm, another early morning post?!

Well to be perfectly honest it's actually a late night post for me since I haven't gone to bed yet. I've been entertaining friends at my place until just a few minutes ago, and had a great time with it :-). To be perfectly honest, I couldn't care less if I get any sleep today, that's how good I feel right now. The evening started off without anyone else here, so I started the dinner slightly worried that no one would show, but most everyone showed up that I had hoped would come. We were missing Jeff, which does make me a bit sad, as it would have been really nice to see him out and about having fun. I was glad to spend time with my friends, albeit a little irked over some matters not completely pertaining to the party. We had a good time, eating, laughing, watching a movie, talking some, but eventually most of the people headed home a little after midnight, and to my pleasant surprise, a few people actually stayed behind for a while! We continued to hang out, this time spending nearly four hours talking and walking outside for a bit to get slurpees. Of course during this time I got confirmation on a few things that I had been wondering, and grew closer to two guys I had hoped to become friends with. We basically just talked about life and what was going on with each of us, I learned several surprising things about each of them, which frankly I was proud that they shared with me.

Truly, if only for a few hours, we were three sharing a mind, speaking about our pasts experiences and what we should do with our present. It's one of those things were a group of people can just connect and speak together, opening up and just letting the dialogue flow. Thinking about it I'm actually proud of myself for actually being able to open up like I did, granted I had a bit of help, but I'm happy that I at least talked about it with my friends. After actually talking with these guys I've realized just how much I've missed having people to just talk to completely relaxed and free of assumptions. Not that my other friends aren't there for me, or that I think I can't tell them things, it's just that sometimes I get the feeling that when I'm telling my story, it becomes something secondary to whomever is listening. Tonight I got the feeling that I was actually able to speak and be heard while listening to the others. It's been a while since I've had that kind of open exchange, something I wish I had in my family, but we're just not really touchy-feely people, or at least most of the family isn't. I don't mind the physical contact, I actually enjoy it, but my family is more the "let's-talk-about-it-and-then-we'll-go-from-there" kind of family. Anyway, I do wish that my family was closer, instead of just talking it out. It's gotten to the point where I've realized that talking it out with my family is just not going to happen, or rather talking it out truthfully while my mom and brother are there won't happen. I could probably talk candidly with my dad but he has proven in the past that what I tell him and ask him to keep secret won't stay that way for any extended period of time. It's a little beside the point, or maybe it is the point, either way what I'm saying is that I have problems trusting people, some of you know this already, some of you don't, but if you didn't now you do. I can't say for certain what it is that first started my lack of trust, but I suspect that the way my family operates is part of it. I can't change the past, and if I could I'm not sure that I necessarily would. I mean yeah I'd probably try and change a few things but nothing major, it's shaped to much of who I am now.

Last little segment of my post, I'm getting back into my writings, having scrapped, or at least shelved, the last manuscript I was working on, as it was just too painful to try and finish. As I write more I will try to post segments of it for all of you to view. I do feel that I must warn you about the potentially dark nature of what I'm writing. As a mainly stream-of-consciousness writer many of my own demons manifest themselves along the way, some of them may seem benign while others terrify me, I don't know how they come across to others as I haven't actually had anyone read of them, or really see what it is that flows through my mind in the darkest hours of day and night.

If you want to read a bit of the intro please leave a comment or email me about it and I'll send you the intro I have right now, extremely rough, but hopefully it can be refined. One condition to receiving the draft, you must send me your thoughts on what I send you. Really not a big deal, but I would appreciate your input to the process.

Well, thanks for reading and please, please, please, vote in the poll on the side of the blog